TheRealSharon's Blog











First of all, this post is a positive one or at least I consider it that way.  Please read all the way through before coming to your own conclusions.

After following infertility pages on FB for a while, I have seen and heard differing opinions from people who are experiencing primary infertility (not being able to get pregnant or not being to carry out a pregnancy to its completion for whatever reason) and people who are going through secondary infertility (being able to have 1 or more children then experiencing difficulty having another).  I have also seen people that have gone through both, which means they struggled for years before being able to successfully have a child and are now struggling to have another.  Having seen all of these,gs, but at the same time, I hate all the comparing when it comes to infertility.

I am personally going through infertility.  My type of infertility involves having never been able to get pregnant (at least as far as I am aware of) since I have heard cases of people unknowingly getting pregnant and miscarrying right after without even realizing it.  Yes, that IS possible.  I know people who are going through secondary infertility.  The word “infertility” seems kind of taboo when targeted towards those who were able to have their first child or even more children easily without trying very hard.  I think, not unlike those who have NEVER been able to get pregnant, they struggle with feeling like this makes them a failure in some way.  1 in 8 women struggle with infertility.  A lot of them remain silent.  You are NOT a failure.

Now, for the thing that people with secondary infertility hear often, “At least you have 1 child.”  I see people bringing that up all the time.  I have to admit that there was a time in my life I felt that way.  I am human.  I get jealous.  BUT I have learned to see things in a different way.  I DO think there ARE differences in the situations.  I DO think the viewpoint in infertility vs secondary infertility is different.  Having said that though, I do not think people with secondary infertility hurt any less or should have to just settle with the hand they have been dealt.

I, myself, grew up wanting 10 kids.  In  my position now where I do not even know if I will successfully have 1 of my own, I think I could be happy to just have 1.  If I am honest though, I want more than 1.  Maybe 10 is a little unrealistic for me now, but ideally, I would love to at least have 3 or 4.  If I am able to have 1 within the next couple of years without TOO much trouble…meaning I eventually get to do IUI and it works, I know I will probably want to try for another soon after.  Knowing this, I have really thought about what I WOULD feel like if I were to struggle yet again and be told by people that I should just be happy with the one.  I wouldn’t like for people to judge me in that way just as I hate the things people say to me, whether directly or indirectly.  “Maybe it’s not meant to be.”  Ugh!!!  And multiple babies born to drug addicts or murderers ARE?  Really, people?!  I mean, I know most people mean well, but unless they have ever experienced it themselves, they honestly don’t get how insensitive some of their comments can be.  And people who get pregnant within the first year when they are in their 20’s and feel like they get MY viewpoint?  NO….no, you don’t.  It’s NOT the same thing.  I’m not going to apologize for saying that because it’s the truth.  Does it suck if it took you a whole year and your friend got pregnant the first month? Yeah, I am sure it does, and you have the right to lament over that…just don’t compare apples and oranges.

To those with secondary infertility, I don’t understand your path, and I won’t pretend to.  If you haven’t gone through primary infertility, you don’t get mine.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  I won’t pretend to not be jealous of anyone who has ever had a child, but at the same time, please know that I DO believe you have a right to grieve over the possibility of not being able to have another child.  I’m not going to say “At least YOU have a child” because I think that’s insensitive, and I think all women struggling with infertility need to support each other.  Do I think sometimes those with primary infertility need a forum or a place to vent with people that are in their own boats and those with secondary infertility need their own forum as well? Yes, I do, because they are 2 separate situations, and it makes it easier for those of us who have never had a kid to sometimes talk with those who also have never had children.  There’s a different perspective there, and it helps.  I also believe those with any type of infertility should also get together and chat sometimes too, though.  As in any situation, it IS good to learn all sides of the battle.  Ditto for men with infertility!  It’s good to hear the men’s side of things sometimes as well.

I guess I have said all of this to simply say those of us with infertility need to support each other regardless of our individual situations and stop comparing who has it the worst.  We ALL have it bad.  Let’s just support each other because at the end of the day, we are all in this together!



{June 17, 2015}   T-Shirts for Infertility

Fertility affects “1 in 8 couples” according to The Fast Facts about infertility on Resolve.org which is the National Infertility Association.  Right now, many women AND men are struggling with infertility issues.  Many of these people keep quiet about it due to embarrassment because they feel there is something wrong with them since they are unable to conceive a child on their own.  Others remain quiet because they feel like people don’t want to know or they will feel like it’s oversharing.  I, myself, remained quiet for a long time due to feeling like infertility was a very personal issue that you just weren’t supposed to openly talk about.  Bringing up infertility obviously means bringing up sex and your reproductive system, and people will think it’s TMI.

Because I felt this way for so long, I didn’t have many people to confide in and I definitely didn’t have people going through the same issues to talk and compare stories with.  Dealing with infertility by yourself is a very lonely road, and it doesn’t HAVE to be.  There are resources for you.  There are others that know what you are going through.  There are others who have fought the battle and had success while there are others who didn’t have success but have learned to overcome.  When I started seeing a fertility specialist a few months ago and liking infertility pages, I saw there were thousands of other people going through the same thing I was, and it empowered me.  It gave me strength to know that I wasn’t alone.  It gave me courage to read their words and know that yes, it was okay to talk about what you’re going through, and it helps to do so.  I also saw there were women that were like I used to be.  Women that have not openly talked about their infertility outside of the groups and pages because they were embarrassed or felt like people weren’t interested, etc.  The ones who were open inspired me to be more open about my infertility.  I wanted to be what those women being open were for me.  I want to inspire others to talk about THEIR stories.  I want others to not be afraid what other people think.  Infertility shouldn’t have to be fought alone.

Living in a smaller city now, there are not really many resources for people who are going through infertility.  Even to see my doctor, I have to drive about 2 hours away.  If you read my other posts, you already know I am trying to do fundraising to help pay for my upcoming infertility treatments, but when I came across Teespring, I also had another goal in mind.  I had personally never heard of any Walks for Infertility Awareness although there are some in bigger cities and other states.  I just recently found out what the Infertility Awareness Ribbon looked like….It’s blue and pink for anyone who is curious!  I find it very eye-opening that in the city where I live and possibly in many other areas, infertility is not a very BIG topic.  Why isn’t it?  Why is it not talked about more?  Why have I never seen a shirt that shows support for those of us who are struggling with infertility?

I, personally, would love a shirt that makes people start talking, gets people open and not hiding in silence, and tells others that “Hey, I support you!”  I know I would LOVE to see someone wearing a shirt that shows that they support my fight!

So, I started a Fertility Fundraiser Campaign on Tee Spring.  The front of the shirt says “Some Miracles need a little help.”  A child is a miracle, whether they are naturally given, created through IUI, IVF, a surrogate, etc., or adopted.  I do not believe for one second that the only people meant to have babies are the ones just naturally blessed by God.  I believe some miracles have to be fought for a little harder because maybe that fighting has a purpose.  Maybe some miracles need a little more prayer and struggle to be created.  One thing I most certainly know is that my “miracle” will be very loved and VERY wanted because he or she will have been dreamed of, prayed for, and fought for until the day they arrive.  The back of the shirt says “Support those with infertility.”  It is my hope that people will want to get this shirt to help me promote awareness and to help others like me know that there are people who care and are supporting us.  I also hope others like me will wear it with hope in their hearts and not be afraid to talk about their own journeys.  Yes, I get some money out of it for fundraising, but I made this shirt for so much more than just myself.

So, PLEASE share my campaign with everyone you know.  Help me promote Infertility Awareness.  Help me show support to others with infertility.  Help me towards my dream of starting a family.

Thank you for reading this!

Fundraising

My Infertility Journey



{June 15, 2015}   Fundraising for Fertility

Thanks to my friend, Dayle, who agreed to be my sponsor, I am currently doing a fundraiser through a great website called Filltheirarms.com.  This site offers people who are in need of help with raising money for both fertility treatments or adoption meet their goals by providing them a site in which to share their stories and accept donations where you can keep 100% of your donations other than sites like gofundme.com, which take a percentage of them.

Dayle is a great friend I met through blogging about 4 years ago whom I have never had the pleasure of meeting in person, but we both share a love for writing and we share other commonalities that help us to get along well with each other.  It meant a great deal to me when she agreed to take on writing the fundraising letter for me and offered to help me come up with other ideas, so again, I want to say thank you to her.

To see my page on fill their arms and read what she wrote, go here: https://www.filltheirarms.com/sharon—chad.html

To read my last post about my fight to become a mother, go here: Fighting to be a mother

So far, I have had 1 donation, which I am extremely thankful for, but I have a long way to go in earning money.  Insurance isn’t going to cover the fertility treatment, and sadly, my job is going through some changes and it’s been VERY slow, which means a LOT smaller paychecks.  I know some people would not agree to being so vocal about my infertility or asking for help from others, but infertility IS a huge issue and it’s time we stop stigmatizing it and making people afraid to talk about it. If you are unable to help financially, I won’t love you any less.  All I ask for is that you support me with your positive thoughts and/or prayers whether or not you are able to offer anything monetarily.

I am also considering using a site to make t-shirts that people can buy to support my cause.  Maybe something along the lines of “Sometimes miracles need a little help”, “Helping to fill empty arms”, “Praying for a Baby Hughes”, etc.  I just threw those out there from the top of my head.  Nothing is final yet.  Please comment here or message me privately on FB or through my email, Greeneyedramaqueen@gmail.com if you would be willing or interested to buy a shirt/shirts if I did something like this.  I will only do this if I get enough people who are interested.  If anyone has any other ideas for me and/or would like to help host a fundraiser, I would love to hear from you!



{May 16, 2015}   Fighting to be a Mother

I’ve always wanted to be a mother.  Most people’s first word is “Mom”, “Dad”, or some variation of that.  My first word was “Baby.”  My mom told me I loved them so much that she made me a photo album of babies so I could look through it.  I adored baby dolls of every kind and would hold them and rock them and sing to them.  I became an aunt when I was barely more than 2, and I still have a picture of me holding my first niece.  I was sitting down with adults around, but you could see how happy I was to be holding a baby.  My Mom worked in schools and day cares as I grew up and worked the nursery at church, and I was around babies every second I could possibly be.  My Mom and sisters got the teaching genes.  I played as a teacher some as a kid, but I never had a true desire for it.  My desires were always to be a Mother.

I’ve always loved being an Aunt, and even though my oldest nieces were really more like sisters because of our closeness in age, they mean the world to me.  I cry when big events happen in their life, both happy tears and sad tears, and since the age of 23 when I first became a great Aunt, I have absolutely cherished getting to be in their children’s lives.  If I am honest, I kind of expected I would probably be married with kids before my nieces or at least around the same time as most of them just because I was the oldest but I just didn’t find the man I was supposed to marry until a little bit better.  At 25, almost 26, I finally married and there was a mixed response about the idea of kids.  I had a lot of people saying to wait a while while some seemed to hint at me having kids really soon.  To say that their opinions didn’t affect me would be a lie.  I’ve always been sensitive to other’s opinions, overly sensitive, in fact.  I have never been the type to want to rush into having kids even though I have always known I was meant to be a Mother.  When I took “Home Ec” in high school, we had the standard assignment with the babies that will cry and you turn the key to stop it.  All the other girls were so excited for the assignment, but I wasn’t.  I didn’t want the fake babies.  I had been around babies all my life.  At 15 years old, I valued my sleep and my free time, and I was like, nope!  So I was the one person who took the other assignment, which was a 5-page research paper.  I know they probably thought I was stupid.  They probably thought having the fake baby was a lot easier.  Since I was so shy and bullied in school, I don’t really know what their ending position was about whether I made the better choice, but I honestly feel like they probably ended up thinking my choice was the best.  I know I definitely did because I wasn’t awakened by a fake baby.  I didn’t have to carry the fake baby around all day and worry about it crying.  As much as I wanted kids (in fact, I wanted 10), I had enough sense to know that I wanted to wait until I was mature enough to handle one.

So…I got married and because of all the pressure to wait to start a family, I didn’t “actively try” to start a family.  I am putting that in parentheses because I also wasn’t on birth control, etc.  Without saying more information than you probably want to know, I basically put it in God’s hands and decided, “I’m not going to watch the calender or try hard to have a baby, but if it happens, it happens.”  I honestly felt like it would just naturally happen on its own within 1-2 years, and that was fine by me. I knew I wasn’t financially where I would like to be, which is why I didn’t try so hard, but I also felt like I may never be.  There are people who ARE financially ready for a family then disaster strikes after they have kids, and what then?  They deal with it, right?  When people would ask when I was having kids, I would laugh it off and say, ” Someday” or “eventually” because I was kind of afraid to say what I really wanted to say, which was, “Hopefully soon!”  Like most women, I honestly didn’t expect that I would have any problems.

As the years went on and it didn’t just naturally happen, I started to think that maybe I needed to look at a calendar.  I downloaded a “Pink Pad” app for my Kindle and started keeping track of my cycle, etc. and actually “trying.”  I even had times where I thought I had symptoms and I was a little late only for my period to start.  For the first few months, I still had high hopes then every time my period started, I would just cry.  I went out and bought ovulation tests only to constantly look at them and see I wasn’t ovulating.  I had pretty regular periods, so shouldn’t I be ovulating?  Apparently not…. As more and more people around me started to get pregnant and I wasn’t, I just got more and more depressed.  If you read my blog in the past then you know I went through a weight loss journey where I lost a lot of weight, and I honestly thought that would help me.  During that weight loss journey is when I was trying very hard to start a family, but nothing….I just didn’t know what to do and I was too scared to ask.  I felt like people would just tell me I didn’t need kids because at the time I didn’t have a job yet and my husband was on disability.  I didn’t want to hear that, so I just struggled in silence….or almost silence.  I did confide in a couple of people, but for the most part, I kept quiet.  My middle sister has endometriosis and had to have surgery before she could have kids, so I started thinking that might be a possibility, but without insurance, I put things off.  One of my friends suggested getting on Women’s Health to check into being tested for it, so I did and got on that.  The OB/GYN I had used years before as a teenager only accepted people who used it for “birth control” NOT family planning and the nurse even laughed at me when I asked about that….which was not very helpful at all!  I finally went to my friend’s doctor out of town and had a Pap smear, which came out fine.  They said everything looked good and nothing more was said, so I had no idea I would need an ultrasound as well.

This year, I finally got on insurance and since my old doctor left the practice unexpectedly, I had to go to a different one. The lady I see now is actually a Nurse Practitioner, but she is the only doctor I have ever had that asked me “Do you have kids?” “Do you want kids?”  and when I said “Yes”, she encouraged me to get started because of my age, which is when I told her that I had “started” and let her know my fears.  She sent me for a pelvic ultrasound (an outer one not inner), which also came back normal.  It was then that I told her about buying the ovulation tests and everything, and she referred me to a fertility specialist out of town…as in 2-3 hours away depending on which office I go to!  Apparently this lady was good because my nurse practitioner used her and she delivered her twins.  So…with finally some hope, I made an appointment and went to see the fertility specialist, also known as a reproductive endocrinologist.

At my first appointment, she looked at my lab results and said my progesterone was low, which could mean I wasn’t ovulating well, so I had that lab redone to compare as well as some more labs.  I then was told I had to return for an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) which is a special x-ray where they insert a catheter inside you with a balloon then inflate the balloon inside you (which made me feel like I was having horrible, horrible period cramps!) then release dye into the fallopian tubes to see if it comes back out, which would indicate that they are not blocked.  They then deflate it, remove it, and voila! You’re done.  I had this done on Monday afternoon, and the doctor who did the x-ray gave me just a basic rundown from what he could see, and I will be returning Tuesday to get more information from my doctor.  I was told that my right fallopian tube is probably blocked.  I was heartbroken.  I had pretty much thought I just had an ovulatory dysfunction, which is not great but she had a preliminary treatment plan worked up where I would get shots and go through IUI or just timed “activities”. Hearing that I had a blocked fallopian tube threw something else into the mix that I didn’t expect.  There are a few family members and friends that are in the loop about this, but it has been overwhelming to say the least.  It’s hard, and people don’t always know the right things to say.  I feel like a lot of people mean well and I realize that deep down, but it’s not always the things I really need to hear.  I honestly don’t know what the next step will be, but I do know this journey could possibly be time consuming and will be expensive.  Having a baby is obviously not cheap but when you have to do fertility treatment in order to start the process itself, it’s even more expensive.  Adoption is a common topic to bring up, and I’m definitely not against it, but at this time in my life, I feel like there is a hole inside myself and I feel that I was meant to be a Mom.  I feel so much love within myself that is just wanting to carry a child and give it love.  I know I will never be rich in money, but I know that I could give a child all the love in the world.  Insurance covers birth control and in some places abortion but they don’t cover fertility treatment.  I could possibly need surgery to fix my fallopian tube.  I know I will need injections and medicine and other procedures.  There are financing places you can go through, and I will definitely be looking into them, but when all is said and done, it could be thousands that I will have to pay over a period of time.

By posting this and sharing this, I am opening myself up to hopefully support but also possibly criticism and negativity.  I know there are people that will be very against what I want because they feel that if you don’t have the money, don’t do it. This is an aspect that honestly infuriates me.  Whether a couple has a lot of money or not, people can give their opinions, but in a regular (lucky) situation, they get pregnant if they want to and other people’s say doesn’t really matter.  In my situation and others like mine, people can say I don’t need a kid and what can I really do?  I can try financing, credit cards, etc. and maybe after all the money spent, I’ll have a child, but maybe I won’t.  It’s hard opening up to people about this.  It’s hard knowing I will have to hear some negativity or other people’s plans that might not be what I want, especially when it comes from people who don’t really understand from my point of view.  I will also be opening myself up to more people wanting updates and there are times honestly where I just don’t want to talk about it.  Sometimes when my mind is on something else for a moment, the last thing I want is to be reminded of this horrible nightmare called infertility, which by the way, doesn’t mean the inability to ever have a kid.  Infertility is when you have tried for 1 year and have been unsuccessful whether by not getting pregnant or just miscarrying over and over.  Seeing yourself diagnosed with “infertility” feels like a nightmare when you once dreamed of having a big family.

I am sharing this story in hopes of gaining support but also to help break the stigma that comes with infertility.  I posted recently on FB about feeling inferior on Mother’s Day because they are celebrating mothers and I haven’t been able to have a baby myself.  One of my friends told me that I should never feel this one, and I am a woman regardless of whether I can ever bear a child or not.  That meant a lot because it’s hard as a woman to feel like you are unable to do what other women can.  Finally, I am sharing this story to ask for help, whether it be through ideas or even through donations.  Please know that I absolutely hate having to ask people for anything.  I also know that a lot of people are like me in that they don’t have a lot of money to give.  Please know that I don’t think any less or better of a person depending on what they have to offer me.  As family and friends or even if you’re a stranger just reading this and maybe thinking you would want to help, material things are not what I consider in liking a person.  Unfortunately, medical bills cost money, and I am in need of coming up with ways to raise money to help out with future fertility treatment.  I am considering starting a Gofundme account, but they do take fees out each time someone donates money.  I have also considered giving out my Paypal email for people to send donations as “friends and family payment” so there are no fees accrued.  I have had a friend offer to do a fundraiser (not saying names here).  If you have any ideas for me, please let me know.  Good ideas are worthwhile to me if you aren’t able to do anything else.  Gofundme does allow for anonymous donations, which I know some people may prefer, so I am kind of waiting to see what response I may possibly get and what everyone thinks.

I know this is a long blog, sorry!!  If you would like to private message me on FB or email me at Greeneyedramaqueen@gmail.com instead of leaving your response in the comments, you may do so!



The Nightfall ChroniclesUSA TODAY bestselling author Karpov Kinrade defied genre convention with Court of Nightfall. Now, they continue the epic saga of Scarlett Night, a rebel torn between two identities, in House of Ravens.

If you’re a fan of fantasy, urban fantasy, superheroes or just love a great story filled with action, adventure, love, betrayal, friendship, secrets and lies, then you’ll enjoy The Nightfall Chronicles.

HOUSE OF RAVENS (Book 2, The Nightfall Chronicles)

You think you know the path to victory? Then tell me how you’ll win.

Will you buy triumph with gold and favors? Will you marshal armies and trade in blood? Or will you be the hand in the dark, your fingers on the strings? Whatever you decide, know this. If you put the innocent at risk…



Here's the cover!!!

Here’s the cover!!!

Court of Nightfall by Karpov Kinrade is coming December 14, 2014! Fans of Karpov Kinrade’s bestselling Seduced and Forbidden series will be STOKED—this is the launch of a whole new urban fantasy series based in the Seduced/Forbidden world, but with all new characters and story lines!

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Check out the blurb for Court of Nightfall:

I’ve spent my life in shades of grey. It wasn’t until I died that my world filled with color.

That night, I still lived in black and white.

There was a full moon. Full and looking as if it had been rolled in powdered sugar then plopped back into the sky, so that a white dusting shone around it like a halo.

I’ve never believed in monsters, or any of that nonsense. Never believed that the dark could be scary.

Until that night.

Now I know the truth, but it is shrouded with lies.

Now I can see the world in color, but it is covered in shadows.

Now, I must find the monster that killed my parents.

And when I do, I will use my new powers to seek vengeance. A life for the lives that beast stole from me.

I am no longer just Scarlett Night, the color-blind girl who dreams of flying.

Now, I am Nightfall—a fallen angel with a lust for blood. And I shall have my revenge.

COMING DECEMBER 14, 2014 #NightfallisComing

Click the link below for a chance to win!

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{May 26, 2014}   I’m an Anxious Mess

This is my first post in over 8 months.  Throughout those 8 months, I have wanted to return to my blog so bad but something always stops me.   Even typing this out right now, I am full of anxiety and fighting to continue.  I’ve known that I suffer from depression since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I suffer from anxiety for about a couple of months now.  Clinically diagnosed?  Not yet.  But I know that I do.

There are many reasons that I have strayed from blogging.  Anxiety is a big catalyst behind it.  When I was last blogging, I was going through a weight loss journey and conquering it but also at the edges of slipping off the ledge.  After my Nanny died,  I was sad, and I gave in to whatever took my mind off that.  In other words, I stopped counting calories and carbs.  At first, I stuck with just drinking water and had a soda here and there and ate smaller portions but didn’t care what kind of food….then 1 or 2 sodas a day…you can probably see where this is going.  I lost my weight loss battle….I gained a lot of the weight I lost back….and with that weight gained, it was easier and easier to stay away from my blog.  I had so many people that were so proud of me for losing the weight.  I promised myself and so many others it would last this time.  Blogging again as the truthful me would expose that I failed…that I am a big failure.  :(

A couple of months ago, I was doing my transcriptioning and working from home, and I found myself having trouble breathing.  One moment I was calm and concentrating, the next moment I felt like there was a lion in the room chasing me….my heart was racing, my hands were shaking, my thoughts were racing, I was having trouble breathing, I felt “panicky”, and I posted on FB that I could use a Xanax.  It was probably taken as a joke, but it was not a joke.  I felt incredibly out of control and like I was going to die.  But I was just sitting and doing my work…there was nothing specifically that targeted it.  Everyday, it was happening, though.  I looked up anxiety and asked others about it, and I realized I was struggling with anxiety.  I looked up over-the-counter remedies for anxiety.  I was told to talk to my doctor.  The only problem was that just made me more anxious.  Talk to my doctor?  The last time I went to the doctor I was a lot skinnier.  He was so proud of me.  If I see him, he will be disappointed.  What if he gives up on me like my last doctor seemed to?  I just can’t bear the thought.  Talking to my doctor about my anxiety was causing my anxiety to be worse.  I looked for store remedies and was told I would have to consult a doctor because of my hypothyroidism.  Taking stuff without a doctor’s okay could work against me.  So I decided I would have to deal somehow, but I still procrastinated.  Somehow in my head I reasoned maybe I could pull off a miracle and change myself…lose a lot before I worked on fixing it.. Just deal…

In the meantime, I saw a friend was using this stuff called “Plexus Slim” and it seemed to be working, so I decided I would try a 3 day sample.  On the first day, I felt so calm all day and so able to concentrate.  The 2nd day, I spilled my glass of Plexus, so I took the 3rd and last day.  Again, it had the calming effect, and I took a leap of faith and ordered the month supply because I didn’t want to return to that feeling of anxiety and those awful panic attacks.  The few days without it while I waited for the 30-day supply were so hard.  I was back to that anxious mess, and I did not like it one bit.  Even if the Plexus never worked for weight loss, if it would just continue to get rid of my anxiety, I needed it.  It became a drug to survive.  An all-natural drug, but a drug in itself.

I  was able to function, all of a sudden, in stressful situations without freaking out like I normally do and thinking about every possible “bad” thing that could happen.  Not just normal bad things, but crazy things that were far from the realm of possibility.  Now that I was calmer, I read more about anxiety and learned this is what anxiety is all about.   Wait a minute….I’ve been like that practically all my life.  I have come to realize that things I always assumed were JUST my depression were symptoms of anxiety.  My Depression has been hiding my anxiety from me.  The only reason I finally realized it was when the panic attacks starting becoming strong enough to scare me.  What to know what my anxious mind is like?  This is my mind the last time I went to the movies because I didn’t take my Plexus until late…I drive to the mall.  Park in a handicapped parking space for my Mom.  I get out of the car and wonder what everyone around me is thinking of me.  I wonder if they are judging me for parking in a handicapped spot even though it was for my Mom.  I cross the parking lot and imagine the person stopping so I can cross keeps going and runs over me instead.  I imagine myself tripping and falling and flashing everyone because I have a dress on and being totally humiliated then I wonder how I will get up off the hard concrete because it’s hard for me to get up when I fall.  I walk into the mall and see people looking my way, and in my mind, they ALL are staring at me, judging me.  Every step I take, I imagine myself stumbling and falling.  I pay for my ticket and imagine my card not going through even though I know I can afford them.  I order the popcorn and wonder if people are thinking that I shouldn’t eat that.  Again, I walk and worry of falling.  I thrill when I walk into an empty theater and can walk to whichever seat I choose without eyes on me.  I don’t have my usual fear of not fitting in the seat because the mall movies have lifting arms.  I sit down with one arm down to hold my drink and a million thoughts race through my head.  People begin to enter the theater, and my anxiety builds.  Now every move I make will feel as if it is being watched and judged.  If I take a bite of food, someone is going to be thinking I am a fat pig.

I will stop there but this is pretty much what my mind is like on a constant basis.  Plexus dulls it a bit so it’s not at the forefront, but it is still there regardless unfortunately, just more bearable.  The other day my doctor’s office called for my annual blood work, which meant I have to go in for an office visit.  Tomorrow morning, for that matter.  And since I don’t like to eat or drink anything before I weigh, I will be going there with nothing for my anxiety.  I am a mess right now and more worried about what my doctor is going to say then I actually am about what I should care about.  Do I care that I have gained weight back? heck yes, I do….I hate it.  It just feeds this circle of anxiety and depression.  I get depressed then I get anxious about everything which makes me depressed about the anxiety.  I know I need to take the opportunity to tell him about the anxiety but will I have the strength to?  I just feel like I have let everyone down.  I should care more that I have let myself down but honestly, my anxiety makes me care more that I have let others down.  And perfectly normal people just don’t get it.  They say to just not care….well, okay, that’s easy for you to say, but you’re not me.  You don’t know what this feels like.  You don’t know how miserable it is inside me.  My brain is my enemy.  :(

And I am tired of it…I wish there was a magic cure.

Now you know where I’ve been….if there’s anyone still around to even read this.  I think I lost a lot of followers after 8 months incommunicado.  If you’re still there, I am sorry I let you down.  I wanted to be like the other girls who start weight loss pages and blogs.  I wanted to be an inspiration, not a failure.

I miss my blog, though, and if there’s anyone still around who still wants to hear from me, I plan to return to blogging again.  Not everyday, but I want to get back into it.  There are too many thoughts inside my head that have been held in too long that I desperately need to let out.



To play along, just answer the following three (3) questions… • What are you currently reading? • What did you recently finish reading? • What do you think you’ll read next?

What are you currently reading?  “The house on Mango Street” by Sandra Cisneros

What did you recently finish reading?   “Teeth: Vampire Tales” by Various Authors

What do you think you’ll read next?  not sure yet…I’m behind on reading with all this working! LOL

 

 



{September 12, 2013}   Good news, Bad news…

You don’t really get to choose which you hear first since I didn’t have time for a poll.

Bad news? I am considering breaking my post-a-day challenge for this year…even though I already missed one day. why? well…I have been working SO MUCH this week that my hands are aching from typing, and I just don’t have much left in me each day to do a post EVERY day.😦  It’s not for sure yet, but it is very possible.

Other bad news…I finally did my measurements for the month and for the 2nd month in a row, they are exactly the same….my weight has been the same for over a month, and I just appear to be stuck in a plateau….:(

GOOD news though is I sang for the first time in YEARS in front of an audience, albeit small….I sang the National Anthem on 9/11 for a small ceremony at the zoo held by the Woodmen of the World Lodge I am a part of.  When I said yes, I had no idea WHO was going to be there, but it turned out the Mayor of our city was there along with a Lufkin Daily News reporter, so I found out today that a picture of me singing made today’s front page of our newspaper with a picture of the whole group further into the newspaper…wow! Shocked….It was nice to finally sing again. I have never lost my love for it, I think I just kind of gave up on it.  Something about losing my Nanny, who loved to hear me sing, kind of makes me want to pursue it more than I have lately…

The other good news is that my birthday is coming up in 12 days…yes, I am turning the dreaded 30…but then again, yay birthday!🙂

This is all my aching hands can muster out for tonight….I will be back sooner rather than later, though!🙂



To play along, just answer the following three (3) questions… • What are you currently reading? • What did you recently finish reading? • What do you think you’ll read next?

What are you currently reading?  “Teeth: Vampire Tales” by Various Authors

What did you recently finish reading?  “All our Thursdays are missing” (Book 6 of the Thursday Next Series)s

What do you think you’ll read next?  “The house on Mango Street” by Sandra Cisneros

 

 



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