TheRealSharon's Blog

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and to ask him some questions and I was faced once again with what I always know will come up: my weight. Even just short term tasks leave me in pain in my muscles and joints and basically, my body is telling me that it’s breaking down on me. That’s what my doctor heard in my words and I believe him. Anybody who is obese and knows it KNOWS their bodies are in bad shape. I’ve known it for years and in the past, I have even took huge steps to change things. If you read my blog last year, you might have even read about how I lost a ton of weight and then was stuck for a long period of time. I KNOW that this is the reason I lost hope and pretty much gave up. I have tried for a long time to find hope again because I know that I can’t possibly change my life if I don’t believe I can.

Today, my doctor told me to start a 1200 calorie a day diet with 3 small meals, NO snacking and only 30 mg of carbs per meal…..It didn’t seem TOO bad until I realized how much carbs are in everything, even drinks!  My doctor has told me to keep a food journal and come in every 2 weeks, for free, for a weigh in and he will look through my food journal and try to help me. Just a short five minute appointment and it’s MY choice whether to do so or not, but the offer is there if I want help. As drastic as it sounded to me, I found myself thinking, “Yea, I think I could try it” and then at lunch, I told my mom, “I’m going to try it, but I just don’t think it will work”. Her response? “That’s a defeatist attitude”. And she would be right….it’s all I have ever had since the time before I got stuck and could no longer lose weight. To be honest with myself, I tend to have a defeatist attitude with a lot of things in my life. I tell myself over and over again that certain good things are never going to happen and let’s face it, I can’t get disappointed if I didn’t believe it in the first place, right?

The problem with a defeatist attitude is you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s one thing to be realistic with myself, but quite another to be self deprecating and doubt myself. I almost think my attitude is some sort of protection from being hurt by failure.

So tomorrow is my anniversary and we have a gift card to Olive Garden that I am going to enjoy, but Friday I am starting this plan. I refuse to call it a diet, I’ve always hated that word and partly because it has the word “die” in it….maybe cause you feel you’re going to die doing it! It’s a new way of eating to live instead of living to eat….those were my doctor’s words. I am going to wholeheartedly try to stick with the plan and see what happens while fighting every day(or every minute) to not have a defeatist attitude. I am not lying when I say this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am committed through my blog to this challenge, yes, I’m going to go for it and call it a challenge….let’s see, Project Healthier Me or something of that sort! When I committed to blogging every day for a year, I was able to do it because I had committed publicly to it. I am sincerely hoping that by committing to eating healthier and really trying to lose weight through my blog, I will have the strength to do this too! I know I have many friends and family that can stick by me and I am soooo going to need the words of encouragement. Anyone who has tried to lose a lot of weight knows how hard it is and also, how lonely you can feel if no one is pushing you. So push me, people! I need help to stay committed!

And now, I am going to do something incredibly hard for me and let my weight be known…..AH! I have skinny friends who wouldn’t dare tell their weight, so this is hard but I really want to just let everything out there and get motivated to do this. As of my doctor’s appointment, I weigh 368 pounds….: ( Yes, I’s bad. Almost 29, 5’5″ and just way too much weight. Putting that number out there may cause me to get some bad comments and even made fun of, but I sincerely hope my loyal readers will back me on wanting to change my life for the better and not just be hung up on the number. There isn’t any bad comment someone can say that isn’t anything I haven’t heard in my life or even thought about myself, believe me. If you can’t handle the truth, then you don’t have to read my blog. I only need people who are going to help me and not hurt me, because there’s already too much negativity in my life.

I will be blogging about my weight loss process at least once a week to keep myself going as well as probably doing other posts because I feel blogging is going to be a great outlet for me during this. I hope you guys will stick around and wish me good luck!

Well, me and my hubby went to a friend’s house today for a fish fry. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet my friend’s newest little one, Aidan, who is 2 months old. He was so cute!

I enjoyed holding him, too. It was the first time I had held a baby that small in awhile. The last time was probably when his older sister was an infant and she is now close to 2. It felt like I had been holding a baby all my life, though. Which is not too far from the truth. I’ve been an aunt since I was 2 and held my first baby (that I can remember at 2 yrs. and 2 months). That baby was my first niece Krystal. We have pictures and there’s this big, humongous smile on my face cause I was so excited about holding a baby. I don’t think I even understand that I was an aunt until many years later but I knew what a baby was. I was obsessed with them.

I’m not making that up, either. Ask my mom! She told me that my first word was “baby” and I was so obsessed with them, she got a photo album and filled it with pictures of babies from magazines for me. I would sit there for hours and look at the babies. When other small children would carry their dolls around and throw them down when they were done or kind of be rough with them, I was like a little mommy. I would hold them just like an adult would and I would sing to my baby dolls, kiss their foreheads and gently lay them down. I guess I’m just a baby person…..I’ve always loved them and I’ve always known, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to be a mommy one day.

At the same time, I was around babies and children enough to know that it wouldn’t be the best to have one too young. My mom was a kindergarten teacher and then a daycare teacher and at church, she would volunteer in the nursery and I would help out as much as I was allowed. Some of my nieces also lived with us for years on and off, so I learned the “not so fun” parts of having a baby. I guess that was why in high school when I took Parenting Class, I was the ONLY one in my class that did a paper instead of taking home the crying baby. It was one of those dolls that cried like a baby and you would have to get up and turn the key and hold it. All the other girls were all excited and I said straight out, “No thank you!” I loved babies but I was NOT about to be kept up late taking care of a doll and having to carry it around all the time. So I did this like 5 page paper that was an option. I think the teacher had to come up with it on the spot cause she always offered an alternative but I don’t believe anyone had ever taken it.

I’m 27 now and a lot of my friends MY age already have at least one kid, if not more. I don’t have any yet. It’s not that I don’t want any because I really, really do. Every time a friend asks me when I’m going to have a baby, I’ll play it off and be like, ” Some day” but secretly, I want to scream, “I would love to say I am having one now!” Things don’t always work out like in fairy tales, though. Part of me is afraid to get pregnant because of my weight. I don’t even know if I would be able to anyways. Another part of me doesn’t care and if I ended up pregnant tomorrow, I would be happy and deal with it. It’s safe to say my biological clock has been running for a few years now. And the other day I read in a magazine about how having a baby between 25-30 is the best time and then after that, the odds go down extremely. It scares me to think it might take me too long to get where I need to be, weight wise, to have a baby. Not to mention, what if I am never able to get enough off to have one?

It leaves me depressed. In fact, THIS is a huge issue that keeps me from wanting to go anywhere or do anything which is kind of counter productive. I just get so down about what I CAN’T do because of my weight and then when I tell myself that that should be motivation, it doesn’t work. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore. Sad, but true. I’ve just gotten so tired of failing in the past, that I have gone numb. The will is not there any more.

Tonight, my friend Allison commented that it looked natural when I was holding the baby. Well….it feels natural to me. It always has, to an extent. I mean, there’s a little nervousness there because it’s someone else’s baby and I don’t want them to be afraid that I could drop them or something. Other than that, holding a baby has just always felt right to me. It’s felt like what I was meant to do. I feel this strong maternal urge inside me that tells me that THIS is my true purpose in life. I know that I am meant to be a mother some day. I KNOW that I have that maternal instinct inside me, but when will I get the chance to embrace it?

I know that this is a very personal post and you’re probably wondering why I would share this with the world. Well…why not? This is the REAL me. Why should I hide who I am? I hide myself in real life too often as it is.

{March 11, 2011}   It’s time for some rants!

A lot of these things were on my mind when I did my “Everything but the kitchen sink” post BUT they are all rants basically and I didn’t feel like they quite fit with the tone of that post. So here are some rants that have been bugging me lately.

First of all, today I changed a toilet seat for the first time ever. Who knew it could be so complicated? It seemed simple enough but who knew loosening the screws and then re-tightening screws could be so hard? Darn myself for being a girly girl! Shouldn’t I know how to do this sort of thing?

Also speaking of toilets, you always hear women griping that their husband leaves the toilet seat up. Well, my husband is actually good about putting it down. The problem is he not only puts the lid back down but the very top cover too! Maybe this is his comedic way of saying “Ha ha, now you have to lift the seat as well!” but I find it rather annoying. I mean, yes, it’s better than the alternative and getting stuck IN the toilet but I don’t see how this is a good plan for either of us. How is it easier for him? Just means he will have to lift the seat no matter what, right?!

On to my next rant…We live in an apartment. For the most part, I am happy with it and the landlady is wonderful and nice, the maintenance man is cool and it’s a great apartment overall. Their scheduling leaves something to be desired though. They’ll leave a note saying they’re going to have the water off for a few hours on this day or whatever else they are going to do. That’s nice of them to give us warning because our first apartment didn’t, BUT they seem to schedule in riddles. Example: We got a note earlier this week saying “The water will be turned off between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. on Friday, March 10th.” Ok….I didn’t even look twice. Thursday morning comes….the water is off between those hours. I look at the note again. March 10th IS Thursday but they called Friday March 10th. Part of me thinks they do this sort of thing to cover their butts. This way if you gripe, they can say but we said March 10th…..Why should I be surprised? It’s not a first. They do this constantly. It has to be on purpose, right? Why must they play games with me????

Oh….skipping back to bathroom talk for a second. Have you ever seriously considered carrying toilet paper in your purse? I have. Of course, THEN you would never need it, right? But I guess it’s better safe then sorry.

Rant #5: A friend of my husband’s loves to put me down as a reference whenever he or she decides to take out a loan. Problem? This person never pays the loan back so guess who gets inundated with phone calls? ME.  I blocked my number from telemarketers and I STILL get junk calls because of THIS. UGH!

Rant #6: Whatever happened to platform sandals? Seriously? I could care less if they are not in style. I have always and still loved a platform on sandals. It doesn’t have to be a very big one, but the only sandals I can find nowadays are pretty much completely flat (which hurt my flat feet), have a regular spike heel(which I can no longer wear) or are wedges. Don’t get me wrong, wedges look cute. The problem is, wedges and me don’t get along. It feels as if I am attempting a tight rope walk. Lean your foot too much to the left or the right and a twisted ankle is guaranteed. At least for me. I have a rod in my right ankle and I am clumsy enough. A platform is perfect for me! It covers the same wideness of the bottom of the shoe and doesn’t bother my flat feet. So who do I have to talk to to get them to make them again? : (

And my final rant of the day: One of my wonderfully sweet and beautiful friends on Facebook was asking today about, “Why do you have to be skinny to get married?” cause apparently some people have mentioned losing weight for her wedding. This stereotype angers me more than anything. I remember back before my wedding and seeing all the articles about getting in shape for your wedding, fitting into your dress, and blah blah blah. I think if you want to lose weight for yourself, to be healthy or whatever, then that is fine but too much emphasis is put on being skinny for your day. This is just outrageous to me. I, myself, refused to put that pressure on myself. I met my husband as a big beautiful woman and he loved that about me. He loves my curves and he loves me as a person overall. There are far more important things to worry about on your wedding day. If people are telling you to lose weight, tell them to get lost, I say!  I do not regret not losing weight for my wedding. I still felt beautiful on my day and in my dress and most of that was because I surrounded myself with friends and family who loved ME. Truly loved ME and not physical perfection. I felt beautiful and by feeling that, I think everyone else truly saw beauty.

I know that I, myself, do have an issue with my weight but my weight doesn’t define who I am inside. The people who truly care about me are going to love me no matter what. I would love to eventually lose weight for my health and for myself but I don’t want it to ever be to fit a mold of who the world thinks I should be.

et cetera
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