TheRealSharon's Blog

{May 26, 2014}   I’m an Anxious Mess

This is my first post in over 8 months.  Throughout those 8 months, I have wanted to return to my blog so bad but something always stops me.   Even typing this out right now, I am full of anxiety and fighting to continue.  I’ve known that I suffer from depression since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I suffer from anxiety for about a couple of months now.  Clinically diagnosed?  Not yet.  But I know that I do.

There are many reasons that I have strayed from blogging.  Anxiety is a big catalyst behind it.  When I was last blogging, I was going through a weight loss journey and conquering it but also at the edges of slipping off the ledge.  After my Nanny died,  I was sad, and I gave in to whatever took my mind off that.  In other words, I stopped counting calories and carbs.  At first, I stuck with just drinking water and had a soda here and there and ate smaller portions but didn’t care what kind of food….then 1 or 2 sodas a day…you can probably see where this is going.  I lost my weight loss battle….I gained a lot of the weight I lost back….and with that weight gained, it was easier and easier to stay away from my blog.  I had so many people that were so proud of me for losing the weight.  I promised myself and so many others it would last this time.  Blogging again as the truthful me would expose that I failed…that I am a big failure.  😦

A couple of months ago, I was doing my transcriptioning and working from home, and I found myself having trouble breathing.  One moment I was calm and concentrating, the next moment I felt like there was a lion in the room chasing me….my heart was racing, my hands were shaking, my thoughts were racing, I was having trouble breathing, I felt “panicky”, and I posted on FB that I could use a Xanax.  It was probably taken as a joke, but it was not a joke.  I felt incredibly out of control and like I was going to die.  But I was just sitting and doing my work…there was nothing specifically that targeted it.  Everyday, it was happening, though.  I looked up anxiety and asked others about it, and I realized I was struggling with anxiety.  I looked up over-the-counter remedies for anxiety.  I was told to talk to my doctor.  The only problem was that just made me more anxious.  Talk to my doctor?  The last time I went to the doctor I was a lot skinnier.  He was so proud of me.  If I see him, he will be disappointed.  What if he gives up on me like my last doctor seemed to?  I just can’t bear the thought.  Talking to my doctor about my anxiety was causing my anxiety to be worse.  I looked for store remedies and was told I would have to consult a doctor because of my hypothyroidism.  Taking stuff without a doctor’s okay could work against me.  So I decided I would have to deal somehow, but I still procrastinated.  Somehow in my head I reasoned maybe I could pull off a miracle and change myself…lose a lot before I worked on fixing it.. Just deal…

In the meantime, I saw a friend was using this stuff called “Plexus Slim” and it seemed to be working, so I decided I would try a 3 day sample.  On the first day, I felt so calm all day and so able to concentrate.  The 2nd day, I spilled my glass of Plexus, so I took the 3rd and last day.  Again, it had the calming effect, and I took a leap of faith and ordered the month supply because I didn’t want to return to that feeling of anxiety and those awful panic attacks.  The few days without it while I waited for the 30-day supply were so hard.  I was back to that anxious mess, and I did not like it one bit.  Even if the Plexus never worked for weight loss, if it would just continue to get rid of my anxiety, I needed it.  It became a drug to survive.  An all-natural drug, but a drug in itself.

I  was able to function, all of a sudden, in stressful situations without freaking out like I normally do and thinking about every possible “bad” thing that could happen.  Not just normal bad things, but crazy things that were far from the realm of possibility.  Now that I was calmer, I read more about anxiety and learned this is what anxiety is all about.   Wait a minute….I’ve been like that practically all my life.  I have come to realize that things I always assumed were JUST my depression were symptoms of anxiety.  My Depression has been hiding my anxiety from me.  The only reason I finally realized it was when the panic attacks starting becoming strong enough to scare me.  What to know what my anxious mind is like?  This is my mind the last time I went to the movies because I didn’t take my Plexus until late…I drive to the mall.  Park in a handicapped parking space for my Mom.  I get out of the car and wonder what everyone around me is thinking of me.  I wonder if they are judging me for parking in a handicapped spot even though it was for my Mom.  I cross the parking lot and imagine the person stopping so I can cross keeps going and runs over me instead.  I imagine myself tripping and falling and flashing everyone because I have a dress on and being totally humiliated then I wonder how I will get up off the hard concrete because it’s hard for me to get up when I fall.  I walk into the mall and see people looking my way, and in my mind, they ALL are staring at me, judging me.  Every step I take, I imagine myself stumbling and falling.  I pay for my ticket and imagine my card not going through even though I know I can afford them.  I order the popcorn and wonder if people are thinking that I shouldn’t eat that.  Again, I walk and worry of falling.  I thrill when I walk into an empty theater and can walk to whichever seat I choose without eyes on me.  I don’t have my usual fear of not fitting in the seat because the mall movies have lifting arms.  I sit down with one arm down to hold my drink and a million thoughts race through my head.  People begin to enter the theater, and my anxiety builds.  Now every move I make will feel as if it is being watched and judged.  If I take a bite of food, someone is going to be thinking I am a fat pig.

I will stop there but this is pretty much what my mind is like on a constant basis.  Plexus dulls it a bit so it’s not at the forefront, but it is still there regardless unfortunately, just more bearable.  The other day my doctor’s office called for my annual blood work, which meant I have to go in for an office visit.  Tomorrow morning, for that matter.  And since I don’t like to eat or drink anything before I weigh, I will be going there with nothing for my anxiety.  I am a mess right now and more worried about what my doctor is going to say then I actually am about what I should care about.  Do I care that I have gained weight back? heck yes, I do….I hate it.  It just feeds this circle of anxiety and depression.  I get depressed then I get anxious about everything which makes me depressed about the anxiety.  I know I need to take the opportunity to tell him about the anxiety but will I have the strength to?  I just feel like I have let everyone down.  I should care more that I have let myself down but honestly, my anxiety makes me care more that I have let others down.  And perfectly normal people just don’t get it.  They say to just not care….well, okay, that’s easy for you to say, but you’re not me.  You don’t know what this feels like.  You don’t know how miserable it is inside me.  My brain is my enemy.  😦

And I am tired of it…I wish there was a magic cure.

Now you know where I’ve been….if there’s anyone still around to even read this.  I think I lost a lot of followers after 8 months incommunicado.  If you’re still there, I am sorry I let you down.  I wanted to be like the other girls who start weight loss pages and blogs.  I wanted to be an inspiration, not a failure.

I miss my blog, though, and if there’s anyone still around who still wants to hear from me, I plan to return to blogging again.  Not everyday, but I want to get back into it.  There are too many thoughts inside my head that have been held in too long that I desperately need to let out.

{September 3, 2013}   Temporarily on Hold

JUST got finished working.  All day today, I really thought I missed posting yesterday cause I never did my Monday weight loss post.  I was prepared to admit that I had missed a day in my yearly blogging daily goal.  And I was also completely fine with that because anyone who went through what I went through over the weekend would have understandably missed a day.  BUT…I logged in here to do today’s post and realized I DIDN’T miss a day after all.  I had posted a One Minute post EARLY Monday morning and had completely forgotten about it.  I am just SO tired and my days are all running together that I honestly had no idea.

As for my weight loss posts, my scale died on me last week. 😦 I tried changing the batteries and it still is stuck on 0….so until I find another scale to use, I can’t really tell you if I have lost or not.  I still plan to do my measurements for next week and I will update everyone when I can, but the numbers on the scale are temporarily on hold.

This is all…I am tired and hungry…and need to get off this computer!

{August 26, 2013}   Is no news good news?

I sure hope so!  I have absolutely no idea what my weight is today.  This morning, when I stepped on the scale, it did not move from zero.  Even if it was humanly possible to weigh exactly 0, I would never want to.  My guess is that my scale needs a change of batteries, but I did not have any around the house.  I DID pick up some later, but I don’t like weighing myself in the middle of the day.  So….my weight post has no NEW news today.  Until next week, who knows if that’s good or bad? 🙂

{August 19, 2013}   I’m back…in a good way!

Finally got back to 281…which was what I had gotten down to before I gained a few pounds back.  The even better news, although also ugh news, for me is that the scale surprised me with being BACK at 281 and I started my period last night.  Yea, I know, I know…I hate bringing that dreaded “P” word up, but I AM a female and periods DO effect your weight.  I tend to gain between 2 to as much as 6 or 7 pounds of water weight on my period.  So, I was NOT expecting to have shown any loss at ALL today, much less being back at the number I WAS.  I really hope this means once the water weight has passed that I will be below that number….Here’s hoping!

Anyways, I wasn’t intending to make this a short post, BUT I literally JUST got done working…my choice, not anyone else’s….AND I worked straight through supper, so I am starving! I know it’s not best to eat this late, but it’s also not good to just NOT eat, so I am off of here to eat something and maybe I will post something longer tomorrow. 🙂

{August 12, 2013}   No change

I just did my monthly measurements, and for the first time in over a year, there was NO change in my measurements from last month.  My weight is right now the same as last week, but that’s 4 pounds less than it was last month. SO…it’s not like my weight hasn’t changed at ALL, just not very much lately.  I am still trying hard.  I am still putting in the effort, but my body hasn’t showed it lately.  BUT in good news, I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen in a long time at the store the other day and they asked me how much weight I had lost.  They said they could tell I had lost a lot cause they hadn’t seen me in awhile.  And…another friend(oddly enough related to the other friend) LOL. said I was looking skinny lately.  Although, I find it hard to believe I look anywhere near skinny YET, it makes me feel good when people are actually noticing the change.  Believe it or not, it seems to be rare and far between when people seem to notice.  😦

People noticing gives me inspiration moving forward.  I have come SO far, and I am a heck of a lot more healthier today than I was last year.  I’m not sure how long this stalemate is going to last, but just know, I haven’t given up, I AM still working hard, and I will NEVER give up! 🙂 I have come too far to turn back now…and I have been in this place before, given up, gained the weight back x10, and been in the place where I looked back and realized, “Hey, I would have much rather been back there and stuck for the rest of my life than where I am now!’ So having THAT perspective, I refuse to let myself be back in that place and wishing I had not given up.

I don’t like posting that I gained a little back after last week, but hey, it’s the truth.  After finally getting unstuck and down to 281, I went back up a few pounds. So to the evil number on the scale, I stick my tongue out at you! You will not win, though! I shall be back down to 281 soon and even below it! I will not let the scale beat me!

Yes, I know that I turned medieval in my speech for a bit there, but I just wanted to be honest.  It’s not fun to post on a gain, but I also think it’s realistic and people need to hear about the good AND the bad, whether I would rather hide the bad or not.  You may notice on my weight tickers to the side that I didn’t change the number to show a gain.  I have my reasoning behind this.  Seeing 281 on there motivates me to get back there as soon as possible and then lower it!  And I will because I have far from given up on losing a lot more weight. I would LOVE by Christmas to be the size I was back in 2005 or as close as possible to that, which was 250 pounds…So I have almost 30+ pounds to go and 5 months? A little over 6 pounds a month average? Do you think I can do it?  Well…I plan to try my best! 🙂 Root me on!

{July 22, 2013}   No weigh in today!

Yep, I decided to skip a weigh in today due to having a full on “cheat” day Saturday when I celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband.  I also had a ~cough~ unexpected visitor~cough~ show up early yesterday, which also hurts me when it arrives. With both things AND how depressed I was feeling yesterday, I decided it was in my best interest to just wait until next week to do my weigh in.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me emotionally.  I had very good reasons for being depressed.  If you understood my poem from yesterday, then you already know why.  If not, I don’t feel like outright saying it at the moment.  I cried more than I did anything yesterday.  Having depression and starting my period yesterday didn’t help things.  I was down in the dumps majorly, and my whole body felt like a zombie.  It sucked and I can feel the residuals from it still today, but things are a little better.  Having said this, I did not ask for help or advice because people do the “compare” strategy. I, myself, use it so I know others do.  Well, think of this situation…aren’t you lucky? Yea, yea…but another’s situation doesn’t change how you feel and what YOU feel is 100% real and you have a right to feel it, too.  I didn’t want to hear it, honestly.  And I didn’t want to answer questions on WHY I was feeling so depressed.  While I knew some of the factors, I can’t explain deep depression to anyone who has never felt it. And I can’t be fixed when I am deeply depressed.  You can’t cheer me up no matter how much you may think you can.  Sometimes when I  feel depressed, the best thing for me to do is just to deal with on my own.  I know this seems completely unrelated to my weight loss, but this is sort of background to why I’m not posting a weight today.  

After a week of getting back to healthy and by then, hopefully bidding adieu to my period, hopefully I will be in better spirits and the scale will have a good number to show! 🙂

{July 15, 2013}   Never giving up

People MUST be getting tired of me posting every week about how I’m stuck, but what else can I say when that is what I am.  Still stuck at the same weight, but never giving up! I will keep going until my body gets tired 0f hanging on to this needless weight! 🙂


{July 8, 2013}   This darn gear is stuck!

Seriously….my weight loss gear is stuck in neutral, and I would really, REALLY like for it to head back to drive.

I don’t really know what else to say….just feel like I’m stuck in mud or literally in a car that has died and refuses to budge an inch. BUT…my measurements budged an inch and a half since last month! I know that doesn’t sound very impressive, but even an inch a month would be 12 inches in a year, right? It’s good to know that SOMETHING is moving down even if the numbers on the scale aren’t.

So…here I am stuck again, BUT it doesn’t change how far I HAVE gotten. It doesn’t change how much healthier I am now than I was last year at this time.  In 12 days, it will be my 1 year Anniversary of changing my lifestyle to a healthier one. Whether I lose another pound before that day or not…I still have so much to celebrate! 🙂

If you haven’t already guessed from my title post, I finally dropped some weight after being stuck for what seemed to me like forever. It was just one pound, but I worked hard for it! That one pound for me was like the equivalent of building a house and working constantly to see the end result….and working and working and working, and then finally after ALL the hard work and effort…a house!

Ok…so maybe one pound loss doesn’t seem anywhere near as big as a house, but at this moment in time, it is still pretty darn great, thank you! 😉 So don’t try to stomp on my happiness please! I am going to enjoy the moment for what it is and hope this feeling isn’t a stranger. 🙂

et cetera
Everything Mommyhood

Travel | Family | Deals | Beauty | Food | Life

Worldwide EndoMarch

The Global Endometriosis Uprising

Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries

infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss

Worth the trouble

“He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.” ~from Good Omens

Under Reconstruction

Hope isn't an emotion, but a daily choice.

Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog is a digital youth culture magazine dedicated to your stories and ideas.

The Ideal Me by 24

Smile! You’re at the best site ever

Becoming Cliche

My Journey to Becoming My Mother

My Trousers Rolled

"I grow old...I grow old...I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled..." -- T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

More Cabaret

Class, Sass, and a Lot of Ass

Book Lovers Buffet

Load Up - You Won't Gain a Pound!


Ideas about English, Drama and ICT in the classroom, as well as some broader musings

readful things blog

The search for meaning, one page at a time

101 Books

Reading my way through Time Magazine's 100 Greatest Novels since 1923 (plus Ulysses)

Body Rebooted

On the road to optimal health!