TheRealSharon's Blog











“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”

These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago.  And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..

Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while.  I will finally meet my great niece for the first time.  Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner.  At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death.  It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now.  I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right.  BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad.  She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died.  Well…it’s kind of hard not to.  We are human and we are here while she is gone.  I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united.  I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago.  I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.

But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost.  My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories.  Is it selfish to cry over that thought?  I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did.  Is it natural to regret?  I am relatively immature with death.  I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me.  I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between.  My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember.  People even said we looked alike.

My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony.  How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life?  I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be.  So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax.  I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances.  If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back.  It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them.  My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad.  She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her.  Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her.  At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins.  Now she is getting to meet them before us.  This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us.  They are now extra protected with her there.  Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love.  At least, that’s what I would like to think.

My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting.  I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will.  I will because I think my Nanny would want that.



{August 5, 2013}   When losing sucks

Nothing new on the weight loss front, but it sure feels like I lost a load.  Not in pounds, though.  I feel brokenhearted and maybe a little guilty.  Why, you ask? Well, almost 4 years ago, around the holidays, I brought home a free puppy I got from the Walmart parking lot.  I knew I didn’t need a pet, couldn’t really afford one, and using the excuse of my future husband(at the time) allowing me to get her is no excuse.  Once I got her, I loved her so much, but it was obvious to me I wasn’t really ready for her.  People seemed to know this and their annoying pointing it out just made me want to prove them wrong.

It was obvious from Day one that she was MUCH younger than what she was supposed to be.  As she grew, she started biting more than she should and no matter what me or my Mom did, she just didn’t understand that it wasn’t okay to be so rough with people.  She got too big and wild for the house so we moved her outdoors.  When me and my husband moved into our apartment we have now, we had every intention of taking her with us.  We would have to train her to be inside all the time, but we would do it somehow.  Unfortunately, our apartment vetos aggressive breeds, and she was not only half beagle, but half rottweiler…what I lovingly referred to as a rottabee.  So she stayed outside at my parents and my Dad took over the responsibility of taking care of her.  He would always gripe about her barking all the time and having to buy all the dog food, but when he didn’t know you were looking, I saw him talk to her like a baby.  He had said before when I first got her that he didn’t like having dogs because they would die….

Angel had been over at my parents living for almost 4 years.  She barked nonstop when she saw someone, but when surrounding houses in the neighborhood were getting broken into, my parents house never did.  She would chase cats, possums, rats, etc. and if she caught them, she would kill them.  I guess it was the Rottweiler in her surfacing.  Once during Eastertime, she left a dead baby bunny….so sad, but we also made a joke about her killing the Easter bunny.  We would go talk to her when we went over to my parents.  My husband would go love on her and we both called her “Angel butt”…don’t ask me why, it was just a name we started calling her and it stuck.  Not long ago when I was over there, she cracked me out with her chasing of some critter hidden behind various washer/dryers my Dad has outside(he is a hoarder!).  She even jumped on top of them to try to get at her prize.

A couple weeks ago, I thought she was started to look scrawny.  My Mom thought she was just shedding since it was summer.  On Friday, we pulled up outside the house and it bothered me that I didn’t hear Angel barking.  I called her name for a good 5 minutes and nothing.  I feared the worst….Mom called and no answer as well.  My mom asked my Dad about her and he said she hadn’t been eating much lately and he had been trying everything he could to get her to eat and drink.  I went back outside determined to get her to answer me.  I started calling again and the saddest sight appeared.  I apologize for giving you a depressing sight, but I am just relaying what I saw.  She came around the corner and almost tripped as she staggered up to the fence.  Her head was tilted to the left and she never straightened it.  Her left eye appeared bugged out and she started barking…a very weak bark compared to the bark she normally would do.  It broke my heart and I just knew something was very wrong.  Seeing her like that made me want to just start crying.  I told Mom how she was acting, but later when my Mom came out, she had gone back around the house and although, she would answer in weak barks, she never returned to the fence.  I knew she was hurt bad for sure then.

I researched online and the symptoms seemed to match up with a brain tumor.  My Dad called all the vets in town over the weekend, and they all said it sounded like that.  I read about how to help, and my Dad tried to feed her food and water in his hands.  On Saturday, she ate and drank a little that way, but not much.  On Sunday, my Dad stayed home to take care of her, which he never ever does.  She wouldn’t eat or drink anything at all, and she had started dragging her back legs and tail behind her.  She would try to stand up sometimes, but just couldn’t do it.  She was getting worse and we had already decided to take her to the vet and if it was confirmed what we already thought, we would put her to sleep.  It would just be cruel to let her continue to suffer.  So my Dad took her today…they said it actually looked like she had ate antifreeze or poison.  There is no way she could have got into either in our yard, except for if she picked up something from an animal she killed.  The other alternative is that someone threw poison over the fence to silence her barking OR even so they could later burglarize the house.  If someone DID poison her, then I wish for someone to poison them in return.  I don’t understand how someone could do something to an innocent creature. 😦 I wasn’t with her when she was put to sleep, but my Dad was there and held her.  I am glad she wasn’t alone.  My last worry for her is that she would die alone without anyone there.

I feel like I abandoned her after I brought her home by leaving her behind.  I feel guilty now that we have an inside dog because our new dog is getting all this love and attention that Angel didn’t get.  I also feel like she had a sucky life because she also had Parvo as a puppy, which cost a ton of money to cure, but she came through.  I do not regret any of the money I spent then and I do not regret it now, but I feel guilty for not giving her more time and attention.  I just hope that she is in Heaven happy right now.  Like I said yesterday, I really hope there are dogs in Heaven, because she deserves to have a happier life there than she did here.  I love you, Angel, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Mommy to you. I hope you are happy and healthy now!

R.I.P. Angel

R.I.P. Angel



It’s a rainy day here and after the events of this past week, including last night, I feel like the rain is in solidarity with the mood of so many. Unless you live in a cave, you know about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. You may NOT yet know about the Fertilizer Plant that exploded last night in the little town of West, Texas though. This last tragedy started with an out of control fire, the first by some form of terrorist, either domestic or international. Both are devastating and heartbreaking, though. The little town of West with its population of 2,800 is near Waco, which I knew of but until this tragedy occurred, I had never heard of West. Very saddening how a little, unheard of town to me can become famous overnight practically from such a horrible thing. The last news I heard was there were 160 injured and who knows how many dead? It was a massive explosion which hit a middle school, nursing home, an apartment complex and several homes. Even five blocks from the blast, 60 more homes were heavily damaged. Now there’s a massive search underway for missing people as well as treating the injured.

I saw on the news the other day that April is notorious for tragedies. Columbine, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City, and the Waco bombing are ALL past April tragedies. The fact that ONE of these past events is incredibly close to the West, Texas Fertilizer Plant Explosion in not only location but the date has to be a chilling reminder. The Waco bombing occurred 20 years ago tomorrow. I pray that the tragedies are over for this month, as well as from now on!

Another thing about April is the little saying, “April showers bring May Flowers”. Unrelated, you might say, but I’m not so sure. Rain washes away dirt and debris and is Mother Nature’s cleaner, in that regard. I sit here and hope that there will be a metaphorical rain that washes away all this pain of tragedy and on the other side, we will be able to see the sun again and a rainbow of hope. I pray all the horrible debris will be swept away and in the aftermath, we will see a new growth of strength, perseverance, and unity. Everyone affected by tragedy this week are in my thoughts and prayers and I pray for “rain” to come into your life and help wash away all your sadness and pain that you may be able to look forward to seeing the sun again.

~Virtual hugs to all!~



There are times in your life when you just don’t know the right thing to say or do. Times when you hear devastating news and your body and mind goes into shock first when you think you should be feeling grief. Eventually, days later, the grief comes and overwhelms you and you find yourself constantly thinking about things and wondering if what you did say and do was the best thing. I know this feeling very well at the moment because it’s what I’ve been going through. I’ve been thinking and going back and forth about writing about the situation but it’s just one of those moments that you’re not sure. Is it the right thing for everyone for me to talk about it? Is it insensitive or honoring the loss of two lives?

I have come to the decision to write about how I feel since writing always helps me but I want to write about what has happened recently in my family in a way that will honor those who are affected the most and not hurt them. All I can do is try my best here and hope that my words can only help and not hinder.

I don’t even think I had yet mentioned on my blog about my most recently married niece having twins, but she was to have them in October. Sadly, due to unforeseen circumstances, she went into labor early and they didn’t live long after being delivered. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn’t think she was having any problems and I wasn’t expecting this at all. Then I felt this incredible amount of sadness for her and her husband, but the tears on the inside were locked away behind the shock. I went back and forth in my head, wondering what I should do. Should I call or would that not be the best? I finally went with a short text where I told her I was sorry and I loved her, I was there for her and she could call me if she needed me. But after sending it, I felt an emptiness inside that there should be more for me to do. But I didn’t know what to do. It’s not something you prepare for…..And I kept thinking that if I didn’t know what to say or do, then how bad must she be feeling? I can’t imagine because I haven’t been through that experience firsthand. I have had a best friend lose a child while we were friends but never a niece lose one, much less two. Not to mention losing two great nephews I had never got to see, never got to kiss or hold. If it hurts to lose two great nephews, then the pain of losing two sons has to be unimaginable.

I almost feel useless because I don’t have magic powers to take away the grief and I can’t actually be with them right now to try to give comfort. I lay awake wondering if my niece knows how much I truly do love her and the babies she lost and how much I wish I could be there for her. I hope she really, truly knows that cause the thought of her thinking I might not care breaks my heart in pieces. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since I heard the news that I haven’t had her in my mind and in my prayers and I have asked my closest friends to do the same. I can only hope that my family that IS with her right now is helping her some and that she is able to make it through.

The other day, I lay in my bed and said their names out loud and up towards Heaven. I told them I loved them very much and I can’t wait until I get to see them one day. I told them that I know they are looking after their parents and I blew kisses up to them. I told them they are loved much more than they could ever imagine. I also told them that as sad as I am that I won’t get to see them on Earth, I am glad that when my Nanny and my parents and other family members leave this world, they will get to see them for the first time and give them all their love. I can almost see two beautiful baby boy angels dancing in Heaven with their ancestors and smiling down at us.

To Lydia and Dru, I love you guys so much and I always will. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you will see your babies again one day and I truly believe you are meant to be a mommy, Lydia. I know you will be blessed with many more babies. I just want you to know that I’m only a phone call away.

To Wyatt Lee and Nikolai Lane, my two great nephews who I miss even though I never met you. I love you so much! Rest in peace.



{February 21, 2011}   Sorrow hits the best of us

This post started out as something else but took a completely different turn…..

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

May Angels comfort and watch over you

I read some sad news today. One of my 2nd or 3rd cousins, I believe, on my dad’s side, lost her newborn baby boy today. : (    I think the last time I saw the girl was probably back when my dad’s mom passed away, so I wasn’t very close to her, but it’s still sad. She’s around my age…maybe a little younger and this is the 3rd son she has had to bury. I feel for her and her immediate family. I really do. It just seems to be more than any one person should have to go through.

I don’t even have kids yet and it seems to be something that would be too hard to bear. I hope this is something I will never have to know the pain of personally. I feel selfish saying that because I am close to a couple of people that DO know this pain. They are some of the most incredible, strongest women I know. One is older than me and the other just a bit younger, but I look up to both of them and admire them dearly for the strength they have shown.

One experienced the pain well before I even knew she existed, the other one it happened to when I was in her life as a best friend. Me and my mom used to watch her baby girl and she loved my mom so much. I think she started to see my mom as a second mom, in fact. I still remember the phone call saying there had been an accident. I remember telling my mom with tears running down my face. I remember being so scared and worried for my best friend. Nothing else mattered at that moment other than her. I know my hair wasn’t brushed. Not sure if my clothes matched; all I cared about was seeing about my friend. My best friend was going to make it but her baby girl was in bad shape. She eventually went to heaven right after her 2nd birthday. She wasn’t even my child and it broke my heart in a million pieces. My heart ached for my friend and it ached for the little girl that I considered an adopted niece. It was so hard going to the funeral. I didn’t want to cry a lot because I didn’t want to upset her worse. I had to try to be strong for her. She was the mother, this was her child, I have no right to be so sad when SHE is going through much, much more than me. So I built up the strength, tried to squash back the tears and I went. Then came time to see my friend and sorrow is a hard thing for me. I struggle with knowing what to say. Giving hugs and saying the right words has always be incredibly hard for me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care and that I don’t genuinely feel for people. It’s just something I struggle with. I had never had to look into a best friend’s eyes and tell her I was sorry for her losing her baby girl. A best friend that was like a little sister I never had, but who would I be if I didn’t say anything? Everyone knew how close we were. What would they think? I HAD to build up the courage and say something. So I did. I gave her a hug and told her I was so sorry and I held back the tears. I wanted to turn away and get out of the building so I could go hide and cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. But SHE was the strong one. SHE was the brave one. She looked at me with a smile on her face and said,”Don’t worry, She’s with the angels in heaven now.” Suffice it to say, the tears came. There was a flood gate behind my eyes that wanted to unload right there and turn the room into a river, but I couldn’t let it. So I nodded my head, tried to smile back with the tears starting to flow and slowly walked away. The flood released after I left her side but she didn’t see. When I think back to that time, I still can’t believe how strong she was. I can’t believe to this day, how strong she still is.

And that was one child….my cousin has now lost 3. I just can’t even begin to fathom her pain and I hope to God, that she will be comforted by him and his angels right now. If you’re reading this blog, please pray for that with me.

It’s so curious:  one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.  ~Colette

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.  ~Author Unknown



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