TheRealSharon's Blog











Actually, I’m over this waiting game, but I guess I can’t really mean that since I’ll still be trying until I run out of time…..  I have written about this topic before and if you’re already tired of hearing it, by all means, just walk away and ignore this post.  I, unfortunately, can’t be tired of talking about it because it is something that is very real to me.  Everyday, I am faced with reminders and it’s all I can do to not break down in tears or scream at the universe at how unfair I think it’s being to me.  I’m not sorry for this post, because it’s completely real and honest.

You are probably wondering what this post is about.  Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, it’s about NOT being able to get pregnant.  As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with me or my husband, but I have been married for over 4 years and have not started a family yet.  I don’t really care WHO thinks this is fine.  All I care about is that I will be 30 next month and I am ready yesterday to start a family.  While it has only been within the past couple of years that I strongly TRIED to start one, let’s just say that since the day I got married, I stopped trying NOT to get pregnant.  Once I got married, I threw caution to the wind and said, “If it happens, it happens”….I turned 26 two months AFTER I got married so it’s not like I was too young to have a baby. In fact, to some people I was getting pretty old to have my first.  I still was told by people to wait….and I went along with it, while inside, I honestly wanted to scream, “I am NOT 18 years old, I am 26 and if I WANT to start family, I will!”  It didn’t help that most of the people cautioning me to wait had their first child WAY younger than I was at the time.  I just didn’t want to hear it.

But now, I am almost 30 and my biological clock has been ticking overtime for awhile now.  Seeing all these people around me having babies is driving me insane.  It is really hard to be happy for people, especially ones WAY younger than me, that are having babies, when I am not having ANY luck in that area!  When family drops hints about me having kids, I want to punch them.  Sorry, family….but you have no idea how much it bothers me when you mention wanting to have grandkids or “When are you guys going to have a baby?”  The answer: I would like it to have been yesterday, but it hasn’t happened yet…and the more you ask me, the more it upsets me!  I don’t think anyONE but me and my husband know just how long I have been TRYING to have a baby.  😦  Trying…and failing.

I found out recently that my newly married, just turned 20 yr. old niece is pregnant…..I apologize to her if she reads this, but it honestly broke my heart to hear it.  I want to say I am happy for her, but the unbearable sadness to hear that yet another one of my nieces is pregnant BEFORE me hurts…..And I am not sure she would understand my feelings here…..I am not sure anyone who isn’t almost 30 and been trying for years for a baby can really understand what I feel.  I KNOW there are worse situations, people…I KNOW…but it doesn’t change how MY situation makes me feel right NOW in this moment.

I am tired of hearing about people in their early 20’s getting pregnant….I am tired of hearing about stupid celebrities getting pregnant……I am tired of having to be happy for others while acting and pretending that it doesn’t bother me at ALL.  It does…and if you don’t get it, try to put yourself in my shoes.  I have wanted to be a mommy ever since I can remember.  At the same time, I have always known the responsibility that comes along with it, so I KNEW I didn’t want to be a teen Mom.  I also really wanted to be married first.  No hatred to those who weren’t…it’s just something I felt was important.  So I waited even though those around me were getting married at a younger age and starting their families…and I was jealous.  I put on a happy face, but I was jealous that they got to start a family while I was still looking for Mr. Right.  When I finally found my Mr. Right, I was overjoyed.  NOW it was MY turn to have the husband and now I could start my family.  I could be a mommy…the most wonderful blessing in the world.  I could share this overabundance of love within me with a precious baby who I would love more than life itself.  I KNOW I am meant to be a mommy.  I KNOW I will be a great one.  I don’t believe God gave me this much love for babies without planning to give me one of my own.

But, I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of being disappointed every month when I get “my visitor”.  If anyone was wondering why I have been SO severely depressed lately, it’s not just because I got my period….It’s BECAUSE I got my period instead of finding out I was pregnant.  When I get my period, I cry ALL DAY.  I hug my stuffed animals and cry over the fear that all I will have are my dog baby and my stuffed animals for the rest of my life.  I ask for hugs from my husband and tell him I think I will never have a baby.  Everyone else will be having babies and I will never even have one.  Once upon a time, I wanted 10 kids….at this moment, I would thank God for just one.  Just one precious baby, God, and I promise I will be the best Mommy in the world…just one….

Until then, I will look at the cute baby outfits in the store and dream of a day when I can buy them…not for other people’s babies, but for my own.  I will see gossip mags telling of people being pregnant and roll my eyes in frustration.  I will hear news of family members being pregnant and wish beyond anything that I will be the next to share happy news.  I will smile at cute babies and wish I had my own.  I will see pregnant women and sigh, wishing I could be pregnant and vowing that when I do, I will wear pregnant proudly and show off my baby bump with excitement! Bring on the pregnancy pains, bring on the labor pains! I want them all! I will gladly go on bed rest the whole time, if need be! I don’t care…..I just want my dream to come true!

I just bared my soul here, for everyone to see…..this is the MOST honest post I believe I have ever done, but it was something I NEEDED to vent for my sanity.  I just ask for others to put themselves in my shoes before judging me harshly.  Also, please realize that I don’t need, “it could be worse” statements.  I KNOW that, but they do NOT help.

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Yep, you read that right.  Me and my husband have added a 4 or 5 year old Australian Shepherd to our family.  She was found by a friend of a friend by Lake Sam Rayburn, and then fostered for a while by my friend while they find her a permanent home.  There was never a thought on my end of taking her in. Our apartment charges a $300 apt. fee that we truly could not afford, and to be honest, I just have never been interested in the thought of an inside dog unless maybe it was one of those itty bitty ones. Growing up, we had dogs, but they were always outside dogs, and I was kind of timid around them and they made me nervous.  As a teenager, I was once chased by a dog and it scared the crap out of me…figuratively, NOT literally, thank God.  I look at animals, I’ll pet them, I think they’re cute, but I’ve just never considered myself a big animal person.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like them OR that I would be mean to them.  It’s just not something I am fully used to.  Having said that, I lived with indoor animals for 3 months when I stayed with family and worked in Indiana. I even slept with a dog in the bed, but it was a little one.  It did make me uncomfortable, but I didn’t have much of a choice.

Well, my husband went to our mutual friend’s house for a BBQ that I wasn’t at, met Sammy(the Australian Shepherd), came home and said he bonded with her.  I, of course, felt for him, but I told him, sorry, we can’t afford it, and I thought that was the end of the conversation….Well, it wasn’t.  Our friend and some others conspired together to raise the money for the apartment fee, offered dog food for when we first took her in, and even offered help with the vet visits.  My thoughts? What am I going to do? This is SO not what I want, but it seems it has been taken out of my hands.  Every worry and concern was addressed….My husband let me know she was VERY potty trained.  She will NOT go to the bathroom until you take her no matter how long she has to wait.  😦 Poor thing!  She LOVES people, in fact she is very protective of people.  The day after Chad(my husband) met her, she slept in the spot where he had been and looked for him for days.  She loves children as well and will let them pull her ears, lay on her, etc. without doing a thing.  Wonderful news for someone like me who wants to start a family yesterday.  So I agreed knowing it would take some getting used to on my part.

Yesterday, she came home with us.  I will be honest and admit that I felt awkward. I actually told my husband I felt like she didn’t like me.  When I looked at her, I saw sad eyes and it broke my heart.  I thought maybe she wasn’t so happy about me being apart of her life.  I told my husband straight off the bat, no sleeping in the bed.  She is not a huge dog, but she does weigh about 55 pounds.  I know from sleeping with a dog before that my sleep gets disrupted.  I will wake up constantly and be afraid to move because I don’t want to hurt the dog.  People that sleep with dogs probably are used to this and know how to get over it. Me? I don’t have the experience. So…I said No…but he made the mistake of tapping the bed and letting her jump on it. Then after 5 seconds, he made her get down, but I knew instinctively he had committed a major No-no.  As we were watching TV, her head kept popping up and staring at us.  On the last pop-up she looked right at me…and something gave her the impression I wanted to jump on the bed, I suppose, cause she did and walked right up to me, laid down and stuck her head right in front of my face…then she did the eyes.  I immediately asked her what she thought she was doing and told her she was very sneaky and evil…but evil in the way you tell someone who is giving you puppy eyes to get what they want.  So my husband starts to tell her to get down, but he is completely not saying it firm enough at ALL and she makes the eyes at me….and I feel bad.  So I tell him to leave her alone…and guess who ended up sleeping with us last night?  Yea, apparently Sammy can read “Sucker” written across my forehead.  I made not be the best animal person, but I believe I have a very maternal part of me, and she figured out JUST how to appeal to it. Darn it….now I am calling her “Baby girl” and telling my husband to lower his voice when he talks so he doesn’t scare her. Wow….I might not have a human baby yet, but it looks like I am being taken in by adult dog baby! LOL

I swear I don’t know what happened…..and I actually would appreciate tips on how to get decent sleep while sleeping in the same bed as her….any one want to give me any? 🙂 Thanks!

sammy*Picture is of Sammy wearing my husband’s hat* 🙂



This post goes out to everyone I love who is experiencing tough times right now. I wish I could take your pain away and make things better for you. I wish life didn’t have to be so hard. I hate seeing people I care about hurting, both emotionally and/or physically and just not being able to do anything about it. All I have are words for comfort, and I feel as if my words are far from satisfactory.

I have more than one close friend right now dealing with hard times, and I wish more than anything that I could physically be THERE with you instead of just offering virtual hugs and words that I feel are not helping. These friends are dealing with issues that I can relate to far more than I wish. Some of them because I currently deal with it myself as well and it’s hard for me to help myself, much less know how to help someone else. Some of the issues are things I have dealt with in the past and it breaks my heart that anyone else I love has to go through what I experienced first hand. I know from being in that place that no words or advice anyone gave me seemed to really matter. Even if someone COULD honestly relate, I didn’t want to hear it because they weren’t currently in that place. So I don’t want to use the same old adages people use over and over. What I really wish is I could just magically make their problems all disappear. Unfortunately, I can’t, so I am left feeling helpless and all I can do is let them know they are in my thoughts constantly and all my best wishes and prayers are with them as they go through these times. I wish nothing but the best for them and wish that they might get a break of happiness soon.

It is my hope that the ones that this post is meant for will understand and know how much I love them and want the best for them. You are NEVER a bother to me and I always have time for you in my life. I may not know the perfect things to say, but I’m always around to listen.

I truly believe this world would be a better place if all of us would put aside, for even a minute, what is going on in our own personal lives, and really and truly care about our friends and family who are hurting. I’m not claiming to be perfect at this. We ALL have our faults and shame on anyone who won’t own up to their own. I know this paragraph seems unrelated to the rest of my post, but this post is not for everyone…the ones it is meant for will understand. I posted a status on FB today that really summed out this nicely.

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why is it that when someone DOES care about someone else more than themselves that people can’t believe it? That they are shocked?  I think this is a sad thing when putting others before yourself is so rare to be shocking.

This reminds me of my wedding day. The day that is supposed to be the best day of your life. One of my bridesmaids was told (which was really messed up in the first place), that her husband had been cheating on her. This was during my reception and I saw her crying. Instead of being totally immersed in my wedding day and totally disregarding my best friend, I went up to her and asked her what was wrong and then hugged her and I cried with her. It didn’t for one moment make me feel like my day was no ruined. All I cared about was that my friend was hurting and my heart broke for her. She actually apologized for ruining my day and it made me sad that she was worried about that. Here she was finding out her husband was cheating on her and she was more worried that my day was ruined. I, of course, let her know she didn’t ruin my day. She should have never felt for one moment that I cared more about my happiness than hers. When you love someone and they are hurting, you do your best to do whatever it takes to be there for them, no matter what. If heaven forbid, one of my friends had an emergency and needed a ride during my wedding and there was none available, you can bet I would have given them one. That’s just what you do when you truly care about someone. I’m not saying this to make myself look good. I don’t care how it makes me look. I am just saying how I truly feel inside. How I feel others should feel. Yes, it’s just my opinion, but this world would be a better place if more people shared it.

I believe a test of someone’s true character is how they treat their loved ones when they need help the most. Today, your life may be wonderful and you may have it all, but if you don’t treat those you love that are less fortunate well, then don’t be surprised when the tables turn and they are not there for you in return.



No 5QF today…I am not exactly sure why, but when I went to get the questions from the blog I get them from, there was just a regular post with no explanation for why there wasn’t a 5 Question Friday, so…I guess I will post a regular post as well, eh? 😉

Tonight, my youngest niece (that I had before I got married) graduates from high school and I am beyond proud of her.  She’ll be graduating in Austin, while I live about 4 hours away and am unable to attend. It makes me sad that I won’t be there and wishing I WAS able to go is one of the wishes heavily on my mind right now. I can’t believe the little baby girl who I saw right after entering this world when I was 12 years old is now graduating high school and soon heading off for college. It’s so crazy and surreal, it seems like yesterday that she was a little girl.

Then, I have the second youngest niece who I mentioned a few weeks ago, who got married. I was 11 when she was born and now she is married and old enough to soon have kids of her own. I hope she waits just a bit(lol), but I know it’s a possibility. I wasn’t able to go to HER wedding because it was in Indiana and there wasn’t much notice due to her hubby being in the Marines and working with his schedule. I wish I could have gone to her wedding like she was there for mine, though.

Just a few weeks ago, I ALSO being a great aunt for the 5th time, (although 2 of my sweet baby great nephews are angels now). Another one of my nieces giving birth. I can remember HER when she was in diapers! And now she has her own baby in diapers. I wish I could have been there when her baby, Alexia, was born. I wish I could go to North Carolina now to see her and the baby.

I wish I could see my other niece/best friend who now lives in North Carolina as well. I wish I could see my oldest niece and my great nephews in Indiana. I wish I could see my nieces and nephew in Austin more. I wish, I wish, I wish. If wishes were of monetary value, maybe I would have enough money to make them all come true. At least I could make the wishes that were possible using money to fulfill.

Then there are the wishes that money can’t buy for you. I wish my weight loss would continue as fast as it started. I wish I didn’t have a thyroid problem. I wish my Nanny was doing better and my Mom didn’t have to worry so much about her. I wish I was a better housekeeper…lol…Although money could pay for a maid, I suppose! I wish I could be pregnant before all my nieces end up married and pregnant. There, I said it and the whole world knows. 😦 I know people tell me that I am still young and yadda, yadda, yadda, but it’s discouraging that the same little girls I watched crawl, take their first steps, and some I even changed their diapers, are all growing up and I feel stuck. I always thought I would be married and have a family before my nieces…or at least most of them, you know? I’m older so it just made sense to me. But it hasn’t happened and it isn’t for lack of trying. For years, people mention in teasing me having a baby and I laugh and go, “It will be awhile!”, but inside I am really saying, “Oh, I wish, I wish so much, I have been wishing that for so long!”

I never wanted people to know how much I wanted it because I felt like people would discourage it. When I got married at 25, more than one person said I should wait years before having a baby. I never intended to actually take their advice, but life took it regardless of my own intentions. All around me, people much younger than I am are having babies and I act all happy about it, but to be honest, there are times I cry and say, “I wish I could have what they have.” My husband knows. He has been around for many a tear shed. It’s really a struggle sometimes being happy for someone else when you really feel envious.

I HATE feeling that way. I feel like if people know this, they will dislike me for my feelings. It’s the truth, though. ~Sigh~ I guess this is where doing a wishes post gets me!

Here I am, vulnerable and exposed by my deep inner wishes. Now you know a secret I have kept locked away close to my heart. I only wish I had got it out sooner.



{May 16, 2013}   “Don’t ever get Old”

I’ve never really written about this before but lately it has really gotten to me. Maybe before I was in denial or just didn’t want to see it but I see it now and I can’t unsee it. My Nanny has been wheelchair bound for years now but the past couple of years, she has gradually gotten worse and worse. A couple of years ago, my mom basically moved in with her to help take care of her because every time she was left alone, she would end up falling. When she falls, they have to send someone to help her up. Her limit of getting around was from her wheelchair to her chair and that’s about all. I knew her mobility and her memory had been getting worse. I remember last year when planning for my parents 50th anniversary and at Christmas too when my Mom would break down in tears and say she didn’t think Nanny would be around too much longer. I hate seeing someone cry but I especially hate it when it’s my Mom. If I dwell on it too much, I will cry too and that will just make HER cry more so I try not to think about it.

My Nanny made a comment before the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my parents that most parents don’t live long enough to see their daughter’s 50th and that is definitely true. My Nanny is 90 years old and that is an accomplishment, for sure. She said she wanted to make it to see the anniversary and then after that, she was ready to go….I’m sure you understand what she meant.

That was back in November. Since then, it has gotten harder for her to even move a step from chair to chair. Two Sundays ago, she fell in the bathroom while my parents were at church. Stubbornness runs in our family and she was trying to do something she shouldn’t have (getting something out of the closet), failed to turn her wheelchair off and it bumped into her, causing her to fall on her stomach. Luckily, my Uncle Wayne was coming in that day, got there early, heard her call for help and took the bathroom door off and helped her back in her chair. She had bruises on her head, was sore all over and possibly sprained a finger and her ankle. Since then, the even one step has been torture for her, as I have seen with my own eyes. My Mom tries to help her as much as she can but my Mom is 69, almost 70 herself and she is basically having to carry my Nanny’s weight a lot to help her in the chair. This past Monday and Tuesday I was over there and I could see the frustration on both of their faces as they argued with each other. My Mom gets frustrated because my Nanny won’t let do what she needs to do and she won’t let her help her the way SHE wants to help her. My Nanny gets upset because it’s so hard for her and she hates that Mom has to do so much. There’s been many a time when I have heard her say it would be easier on my Mom if she wasn’t around and that breaks my heart. I know it breaks Mom’s heart. On Tuesday, my Nanny said she thought she might have possibly cracked a rib or two during the fall and you could visibly tell she was in excruciating pain. She’s diabetic, her legs swell like crazy, she’s too old for surgery and she can hardly get around at all anymore. She’s been telling me “Don’t ever get old, Sharon” a LOT lately. What do I say to that?

My Mom seems to be at the end of her rope with what she can do. She has mentioned nursing homes a lot lately and I KNOW Nanny will absolutely hate it if that happens. My Mom would be there as much as possible though. Our family is NOT the type to put our family in a nursing home and abandon them. My Mom would end up living there if allowed, trust me. But in the back of your mind, we all know what nursing homes stand for. A last resort. The place you go to when all other solutions fail. 😦 My Nanny has adamantly stated in the past that she never wanted to go to a nursing home. I fear that if my Nanny permanently goes to one, this will mean she won’t be here much longer. She’s been saying for awhile now that she doesn’t expect to be around before each event comes. We all just try to ignore it and tell her she’ll probably live to 100. Deep inside, I and probably everyone else fears the truth. When someone starts saying they don’t expect to be around much longer, I think they have stopped having a reason to live. A lot of people go to nursing homes and then don’t last much once they enter those doors.

I don’t want to consider that my Nanny might not be here come next year. I don’t want to ever think about a world where my last grandparent is gone from this world. I don’t want to imagine that someday I will have my first child and he or she will never know their Nanny. BUT you can’t hide from the truth forever and it’s finally hitting me. As I write this post, the first tears form and flow from my eyes. I’ve NEVER thought this out the way I am doing now so I’ve never allowed myself to cry over it. I am now, though. I thought it was time I let my feelings out so I can really digest everything that’s happening around me. In the same week as I become a Great Aunt again, I have to also come to grips with the fact that I could possibly lose another family member in the not too distant future. It’s possible she WILL live to 100, but my head and my heart tells me that I need to be realistic. So I am…and it hurts…and I’m scared but I will get through because someone will have to be here for my Mom when the day comes.



spotlightWelcome to my Spotlight Sunday! Every Sunday I put someONE or someTHING I love IN the Spotlight!

Anyone is welcome to use the idea on their own blog and spotlight whoever or whatever THEY choose, but if you do, please use my lovely graphic that my friend made somewhere in your post to show that the idea came from here! And I would love it if you left the link in my comments, so I could go check out what YOU spotlighted!

I have to admit that I’m not feeling that great tonight and not up to coming up with a HUGE spotlight so instead, I have decided to just Spotlight the people in my life who make me happy with a short post here followed by my Day 5 of my Reading Challenge.

I think even just randomly, it’s always nice to tell the people you love the most how much you truly care. Not just in the moments when tragedy strikes but during the times when things seem to be going just fine, as well. So to all my family and friends, both near and far, I love you all dearly and you make me SO happy and grateful that you’re in my life. This goes to ALL my family, even the ones who I don’t always get along with! And this is for all my friends, whether I’ve known you most of my life or just for a year or so, and whether we’ve met outside of the world wide web or not. If you think of yourself as a friend to me, you’re one of the ones I’m thinking of and this post is for you!

readingchallDay 5- A book that makes you happy

Technically, I could put down pretty much ANY book that I have read, enjoyed and love because they have made me happy, but I suppose this is talking about those special books that you look back on with fond memories and just the thought of them makes you smile in remembrance. So for THAT, I actually had to take some time and think for a bit. After some thought, I decided to go with “Where the Sidewalk Ends” by Shel Silverstein which is a book of poems that I adored as a kid. I remember many sick days at home reading through this book and laughing, in spite of feeling unwell, especially at the poem,“Sick” where little Peggy Ann McKay comes up with all matter of sicknesses to get out of going to school. Just thinking of this book makes me very happy and I wish I knew where it was cause I wouldn’t mind rereading it right now!

*Since next week’s Spotlight falls on Mother’s Day, it won’t be a surprise that I’ll be spotlighting Moms!*



There’s something that’s been floating around in my head these past few days and it’s about couples that exemplify marriage in one way or the other. Whenever I think about friends and family and their marriages, it seems like a majority of them fit within two different extremes.

Of course, this is coming from the female side….but I’ve noticed that women either tell ALL the bad about their spouse, and seem to leave nothing out, to the point of TMI or they just emphasize the good and not really bring up the bad at all to the point where you think they must have the perfect marriage. Notice I said a majority, cause I’m sure someone will point out knowing people who fit neither of these. I just really think there’s not many people out there that show the middle of these two extremes.

I’m sure we all know women who bash about their men publicly all the time and are always talking about what their man did now. Then I’ll see the comments from others not giving advice as must as suggesting they leave their man. This has pretty much taught me that you probably don’t want to air ALL your grievances in marriage publicly, because it seems like a lot of people think the cure for ALL marital problems is automatically divorce. Not that I’m Anti-Divorce cause there are a lot of reasons why I think it’s needed, but I don’t think it’s needed in every situation.

Then there are the women who are always posting about the sweet things their man does and you NEVER see anything negative about their marriage posted. Some would say that’s a good thing because it should be kept private while at the same time, other women tend to either wrongly idolize that person’s marriage as perfect(when I can pretty much guarantee it’s NOT always) or they feel jealous and wonder why their husband’s not like that….which is kind of holding him up to a possibly false ideal? I mean, just cause someone posts only the good doesn’t mean there is never any bad, right?

The problem comes in when you look at the two extremes and wonder where’s the example out there that speaks the truth?

Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, I would like to truly believe that no marriage is either ALL bad or ALL good, but when you see people seeming to just point out one side or the other, you almost start to see YOUR marriage as kind of an oddball.

This is how I feel, honestly. Especially since I’m married to a Bipolar man and I suffer from Depression myself. I feel like a liar if I point out only good, because I openly blog about this and how will other women newly married to a bipolar spouse feel if I act like it’s all roses? Will they think that their husband doesn’t HAVE to have his mood swings at times? Will they think their spouse acts the way he does ONLY because of them and not because of their disorder? Will they falsely believe that someone who is Bipolar can seriously go through life as a perfect man when guys that AREN’T can’t? I feel like it’s being fake to pretend that being married to my husband isn’t hard at times. As it is, I feel like I don’t really have anyone in my exact position to talk to about things and feel like I’m not the only one in my position.

Then I read things talking about how a married couple should never yell at each other and I think that’s completely ludicrous! In that case, a lot of people should split up right?! Who doesn’t EVER yell at the other at least once in their marriage when arguing? And in the case of being Bipolar, it’s unrealistic. It’s like saying Bipolar people or Depressed people should never marry….Why? Don’t people with Mental Health Disorders deserve love too? Yes, yes, they do. Not everyone can handle living with someone that has one. I have definitely figured that out….I have been asked before how I can handle the outbursts. Well, it’s not easy but it helps to actually spend time LEARNING about Bipolar Disorder and how it works. You have to understand how it effects people and I think you figure out what love really is. I do not think a marriage with one or both people that suffered from a mental health disorder can ever work if both people aren’t truly in love. Not puppy love, but completely 100% unconditional love.

Which is why more people, not just people in my type of marriage, need to maybe be a little more honest. I’m not saying to let the other person’s every crime out in public, but be more honest about what marriage REALLY is like. The honesty of my marriage is that my husband can get mad about little things and yell about them, he can say things he doesn’t mean when he gets upset, he tells inanimate objects that he wants to kill them, he swears far more than I would like, he smokes as a stress reliever, and he can act like a 2 yr. old at times. I’m just being honest…..but the good side is he has never laid a hand on me, he always apologizes, he hardly ever truly means anything bad he says, others say he says ONLY says wonderful things about me to them, he puts up with my hatred of cooking and my overemotional side, he gives great teddy bear hugs and I have NEVER felt at one moment in my marriage that he would EVER really leave me. I have never felt more confident in a man’s love for me than I do with him.

The marriages out there where the couple supposedly fights…I’m not jealous of that. I actually feel bad because I think it’s not real. I think every couple needs to argue at times, in the healthiest way possible, but they need to. Pretending that everything is always perfect and never disagreeing is only going to end up bad, if you ask me.

My marriage with a Bipolar man in which we do have arguments but we still say “I love you” 100 times a day…..I really think MY marriage is something to want and cherish. Not that you should go out and look for someone with Bipolar Disorder or Depression, but I mean, as far as the example of really and truly loving the other person for who they are, 100%, the good and bad, happy and sad, getting through the hard stuff and you’re still standing strong, in love as much as ever. I think the fact that me and him have been married for almost 4 years and together for over 5 and haven’t killed each other is a great example of true, unconditional love.

So here’s to people who are more honest about their marriage!



Woohoo! Yep, I’ve hit the 75 lb. mark! I lost 2 more pounds since last week and have finally made it to 75 total pounds lost! Now I’m ready to head straight ahead to the 100 mark and….I really think my husband should buy me something really special when I get there, huh? What do you think? 🙂

That’s all I have to say for today as far as my weight….I’m excited!

Picture on left is from today! :)

Picture on left is from today! 🙂

But…sadly, to add a somber note, my husband lost one of his grandfathers this morning. 😦 I lost both of mine when I was still young along with one of my grandmas and now just have one left. I know whenever she passes, it’s going to be hard on me and my family. I especially can’t imagine how his step mom and HER mom(the wife of the grandpa) are feeling. I have friends that have lost moms and friends that have lost a spouse but I’ve never faced either of these things as of yet and just thinking about losing either my mom OR my husband is just so incredibly depressing. Losing people you love just sucks…honestly. My heart goes out to my husband and his sister and his step mom and grandma as well as the rest of their family during this time. I can only imagine what they are feeling right now but they are in my thoughts and prayers! If you would like to send positive thoughts and prayers my hubby and his family’s way, I know they would appreciate it! Thanks to all of you in advance!



{March 12, 2013}   Finding the Past in Cleaning

I feel like today has been a very productive day. After living in our apartment for 3 years(how time flows!), our bedroom’s walk in closet hadn’t really been organized or cleaned since we moved in. It seemed like I had to wade through a huge mess of clothes and coat hangers to get to the very back and our “walk in” closet was more of a “wade in” the clothes closet! I had been considering doing something with for forever and today, I had the perfect opportunity. My mom is talking about doing a garage sale soon and due to my weight loss, I have clothes that swallow me plus I’ve had clothes in my closet that I just don’t really care for me anymore that I’ve been wanting to do something with as well. So it started with going through my side of the closet, pulling clothes I wanted to get rid of, and boxing them up. As I did this, I was able to slide my clothes further back and create more hanging space on my side of the closet. Then I emptied the underwear drawers, getting rid of any “delicate” pieces I could no longer wear(mainly bras) and got those re-organized. Lastly, I picked up all clothes from the floor, separated them as needed and found about a million coat hangers that had fallen to the floor! Geez! Now our closet IS a walk-in closet again! 🙂

While cleaning up, I found clothes that had fallen off hangers and hidden themselves under the rack. Clothes I forgot I had and was excited to see again. My husband was surprised to see an old shirt he had thought he lost and we found several clothing items of his that were way too small for him now that also went to the garage sale boxes. When all was said and done, I had 2 big boxes for the garage sale. It’s interesting how you always find things from the past when you clean, things that bring back memories, some good and some not so good.

Going along with the theme, I was shocked to see a friend request on FB today from someone from my past. Someone I thought I would never hear from again and I was honestly ok with that. Back when I was 16 years old and new to the Internet, I ended up in a chat room where I found a guy who lived in England. We talked and talked and when all was said and done, we had a long distance relationship for a couple of years. I was young, very naive and in love. When the chance to go on a Missions Trip to Wales, UK came up, I signed up to go NOT for the Missions aspect but because I thought I would have a chance to meet the guy I was so in love with. A few months before the trip, he dumped me and shattered my world. I remember feeling like he wasn’t really sorry for hurting me and I suffered a young girl’s heartbreak. It was too late to back out of the trip and not lose all the money, so I went and I don’t regret it one bit. I admit there was a few moments where I thought of him on the trip and it hurt knowing I wouldn’t be seeing him but I believe now it was all meant to be for me to go on that trip and I am so grateful for the experience.

I never expected to have a friend request almost 13 years later from him, though. According to his profile, he is married and it looks like he has some kids. I am happy for that but I admit curiosity to why he felt the need to reintroduce himself to me. If you’re curious, I haven’t accepted the request. In fact, I’m going to deny it. I plan to leave him a message asking WHY he felt the need to send me a friend request though and then I will let him know that the past is the past, I’m married too now and I don’t want to think on the past. Besides, befriending him now would be uncomfortable for my husband and it’s not worth it to do that. I don’t know if others would agree with my outlook but I feel like it’s right for me. Sometimes people don’t make it to your future because they are meant to stay in the past. Finding things in our closet I forgot about was a welcome sight but finding old loves…..not so welcome.

*If you haven’t read about my Missions Trip before and are interested, click for part 1, part 2, and part 3 and here for photos!. 🙂



{March 7, 2013}   Abuse and Spontaneity

(This is a spontaneous poem from MY heart and is 100% true feelings for me)

A Poem for my Abuser

My life was supposed to be different

I should have been a normal girl

I never should have gone through

What you put me through

I shouldn’t have been put into this situation

I shouldn’t still have nightmares of what happened

To me.

I hate you so much for how you made me feel

Over years and years of time

You left me feeling confused, abused and ashamed

Everywhere I went, I had the past in my head

Keeping me afraid and scared to act like everyone else

My mental growth was stunted because of you

I had a hard time trusting anyone

Thinking they would ALL do what you did

You lied to me, used me and made me feel dirty

You made me afraid to be ME

You made ME feel guilty when it was all YOUR fault!

All you cared about was what you wanted

All you wanted was to take from me

What was so precious and special

So you took it, without any visible regrets

Not caring how my life would be screwed up

And messed up from then on

How could you not care what I wanted?

Did you care what I needed…at all?

Did it matter to you that I walked around inside myself

Scared to death of everyone

Because of YOU?

Do you even care now?

Do you dream of what you did and regret?

Do you care that I still wake up

From nightmares of when I was a little girl?

Do you care that every time a man bosses me around

I think of you and break down in pain and anguish?

Do you care that the hurt you cause

Will forever be a burden on my soul?

They say it’s best to forgive

In this case, you will never deserve it.

I will NEVER forgive

I will NEVER forget

When you die and pay for what you did

It will still never be enough

Nothing is going to take away

The memory of what you did.

It took over two decades to break my silence

But I refuse to EVER let you control me from afar.

It may be too late to make you pay on earth

But I have faith that you WILL.

You may have stole my innocence

But you will no longer steal my soul.

YOU are the evil one

YOU are the one who should be ashamed

I will forever be the innocent one

I know that now

Evil may have used me

But I am NOT evil

I am a strong woman

Who has overcome

I am good and brave

And I no longer

Give you the right

To make me sad

To make me feel guilty

To make me feel dirty

And ashamed

You have no more

Power

Over me any more!



et cetera
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