TheRealSharon's Blog

Actually, I’m over this waiting game, but I guess I can’t really mean that since I’ll still be trying until I run out of time…..  I have written about this topic before and if you’re already tired of hearing it, by all means, just walk away and ignore this post.  I, unfortunately, can’t be tired of talking about it because it is something that is very real to me.  Everyday, I am faced with reminders and it’s all I can do to not break down in tears or scream at the universe at how unfair I think it’s being to me.  I’m not sorry for this post, because it’s completely real and honest.

You are probably wondering what this post is about.  Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, it’s about NOT being able to get pregnant.  As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with me or my husband, but I have been married for over 4 years and have not started a family yet.  I don’t really care WHO thinks this is fine.  All I care about is that I will be 30 next month and I am ready yesterday to start a family.  While it has only been within the past couple of years that I strongly TRIED to start one, let’s just say that since the day I got married, I stopped trying NOT to get pregnant.  Once I got married, I threw caution to the wind and said, “If it happens, it happens”….I turned 26 two months AFTER I got married so it’s not like I was too young to have a baby. In fact, to some people I was getting pretty old to have my first.  I still was told by people to wait….and I went along with it, while inside, I honestly wanted to scream, “I am NOT 18 years old, I am 26 and if I WANT to start family, I will!”  It didn’t help that most of the people cautioning me to wait had their first child WAY younger than I was at the time.  I just didn’t want to hear it.

But now, I am almost 30 and my biological clock has been ticking overtime for awhile now.  Seeing all these people around me having babies is driving me insane.  It is really hard to be happy for people, especially ones WAY younger than me, that are having babies, when I am not having ANY luck in that area!  When family drops hints about me having kids, I want to punch them.  Sorry, family….but you have no idea how much it bothers me when you mention wanting to have grandkids or “When are you guys going to have a baby?”  The answer: I would like it to have been yesterday, but it hasn’t happened yet…and the more you ask me, the more it upsets me!  I don’t think anyONE but me and my husband know just how long I have been TRYING to have a baby.  😦  Trying…and failing.

I found out recently that my newly married, just turned 20 yr. old niece is pregnant…..I apologize to her if she reads this, but it honestly broke my heart to hear it.  I want to say I am happy for her, but the unbearable sadness to hear that yet another one of my nieces is pregnant BEFORE me hurts…..And I am not sure she would understand my feelings here…..I am not sure anyone who isn’t almost 30 and been trying for years for a baby can really understand what I feel.  I KNOW there are worse situations, people…I KNOW…but it doesn’t change how MY situation makes me feel right NOW in this moment.

I am tired of hearing about people in their early 20’s getting pregnant….I am tired of hearing about stupid celebrities getting pregnant……I am tired of having to be happy for others while acting and pretending that it doesn’t bother me at ALL.  It does…and if you don’t get it, try to put yourself in my shoes.  I have wanted to be a mommy ever since I can remember.  At the same time, I have always known the responsibility that comes along with it, so I KNEW I didn’t want to be a teen Mom.  I also really wanted to be married first.  No hatred to those who weren’t…it’s just something I felt was important.  So I waited even though those around me were getting married at a younger age and starting their families…and I was jealous.  I put on a happy face, but I was jealous that they got to start a family while I was still looking for Mr. Right.  When I finally found my Mr. Right, I was overjoyed.  NOW it was MY turn to have the husband and now I could start my family.  I could be a mommy…the most wonderful blessing in the world.  I could share this overabundance of love within me with a precious baby who I would love more than life itself.  I KNOW I am meant to be a mommy.  I KNOW I will be a great one.  I don’t believe God gave me this much love for babies without planning to give me one of my own.

But, I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of being disappointed every month when I get “my visitor”.  If anyone was wondering why I have been SO severely depressed lately, it’s not just because I got my period….It’s BECAUSE I got my period instead of finding out I was pregnant.  When I get my period, I cry ALL DAY.  I hug my stuffed animals and cry over the fear that all I will have are my dog baby and my stuffed animals for the rest of my life.  I ask for hugs from my husband and tell him I think I will never have a baby.  Everyone else will be having babies and I will never even have one.  Once upon a time, I wanted 10 kids….at this moment, I would thank God for just one.  Just one precious baby, God, and I promise I will be the best Mommy in the world…just one….

Until then, I will look at the cute baby outfits in the store and dream of a day when I can buy them…not for other people’s babies, but for my own.  I will see gossip mags telling of people being pregnant and roll my eyes in frustration.  I will hear news of family members being pregnant and wish beyond anything that I will be the next to share happy news.  I will smile at cute babies and wish I had my own.  I will see pregnant women and sigh, wishing I could be pregnant and vowing that when I do, I will wear pregnant proudly and show off my baby bump with excitement! Bring on the pregnancy pains, bring on the labor pains! I want them all! I will gladly go on bed rest the whole time, if need be! I don’t care…..I just want my dream to come true!

I just bared my soul here, for everyone to see…..this is the MOST honest post I believe I have ever done, but it was something I NEEDED to vent for my sanity.  I just ask for others to put themselves in my shoes before judging me harshly.  Also, please realize that I don’t need, “it could be worse” statements.  I KNOW that, but they do NOT help.

{August 4, 2011}   The “Unborn” on Facebook

I have several friends on Facebook who are expecting a baby, some are going to be new mommies and some already have been there, done that. I have learned so much about their pregnancies through this lovely thing we call Social Networking. We have the mommies doing a photo time line of their growing bellies, posting the sonogram pictures, and of course, keeping us all informed of the baby that is growing inside them. This isn’t a bad thing, really. For close friends and family that live far away, it gives them the benefit of sharing in this special moment. I do agree that when it comes down to the actual labor, sometimes the minute by minute descriptions on Facebook can be way too much information, but hey, that will probably be me someday.

Something new has arrived on Facebook recently. Maybe they came up with it to try to gain favor since Google + has entered the game or maybe they just thought it was a clever tactic.

Now, expectant mothers have the ability to add their unborn child as a family member with a Due date instead of a birth date and the picture? The sonogram!

I suppose it’s kind of a cute gesture but what happens if something, Heaven forbid, goes wrong with the pregnancy? Can you picture coming home from a miscarriage or still birth and seeing your “family member” listed and then having to remove them or declare them dead? Then seeing on your wall the words “You removed —— as your expectant child.” How haunting……

I’m not a mother yet so I can’t even imagine the intense pain that comes with losing a child and I know losing one has got to be hard enough on its own already without having to remove them from your Facebook, but I just don’t know. There’s just this underlying creepiness factor.

Apparently, Facebook said the reasoning behind this was because moms were making actual profiles for their unborn children where they had to obviously lie about the age and make them at least 13. This was so they could then add them as a son or daughter on Facebook before they were actually born. So now instead of making a “fake” profile, you can add them as an actual unborn child instead of a 13 yr. old child who is really still inside the womb. When I consider THIS reasoning, their decision suddenly makes more sense.

So…I predict adding pets next to Family profiles. I mean, why not? I know people who have already made profiles for their pets and let’s face it, for some people, their pets ARE their children. So why not? Seems less creepy than adding an unborn child, doesn’t it?

{March 12, 2011}   Shadows

I just wanted to share a picture from an ad in a magazine that I thought was cool. It fit last week’s photo challenge perfectly.

Cutest shadow picture ever!

I know it’s an ad for some kind of lotion but I forgot the name. I just love how the shadow of the woman and her child looks like she is still pregnant. Just beautiful and I wanted to share!

{February 23, 2010}   To wait or not to wait

Recently,  I asked for people’s opinions on Facebook on how long a couple should wait after they are married to start a family. There were a lot of standard answers I have heard over and over and surprisingly, some new takes on the subject that were nice to hear. My main reason I asked the question was just to find out, honestly, what people have to say about this topic, people from all walks of life. I didn’t get as many responses as I would have liked but I appreciate all the ones that did respond.

If there’s one thing I learned from the responses and from just people throughout my life, it’s the simple fact that whatever question you ask, there will be many answers and not necessarily a right or wrong one. Whether you should wait a few years or start right away, most people agree that more than anything, it’s a personal decision and it just depends on the couple.

Now I will confess to my ulterior motives toward asking for everyone’s opinions. Before I got married a little over 7 months ago, I was advised, actually more like URGED to wait 5 yrs. before me and Chad have kids.  The person who advised me was my brother-in-law who married us(there’s no reason not to state that) and his reasons that he explained to us were that me and Chad should take the time to get to know each other well, become financially stable; all the standard reasons one would give you. They both waited 5 yrs. before they had their first child and they found it a good idea to do.

Well, my reaction was this: “I turn 26 right after our wedding…If I wait 5 yrs., I will be almost 31!…I do not want to have my first child at 31.” Which of course, he still urged me I should wait. But the thing is my sister married him at a young enough age to where she had her first child at the age I now am, 26….so all I can think about is how unfair that I am expected to wait 5 yrs. myself.  I am the last one out of my best friends that are around my age to be married…All of those same friends already have kids. Every year since I became an adult, I have looked at all the younger people getting married and I was sad…Sad because they were lucky enough to find that special somebody so young and then of course, they were able to start their families.

My first word as a baby WAS baby. I loved babies so much that my mom said the only book I cared about as a baby was a book she made that had nothing but pictures of babies. I treated my baby dolls like real babies, carrying them around gently, singing to them, and kissing their little foreheads. As soon as I was old enough to get out of the church nursery, I didn’t leave it, I stayed in there and helped with the other babies. And as an adult, I would annoy everyone every time I saw a baby wherever we went with my awwwww’s and my staring. I believe it is safe to say that I adore babies and my biggest wish more than anything else has always been to have a child of my own.

Fast forward to July 19th, 2008 when my now husband proposed to me. All I could think about was that it was finally happening, it’s MY turn to have that day that every little girl dreams about. I will get to walk down that aisle wearing a beautiful dress and marry a man that loves me unconditionally, just the way I am. Everyone right away started asking for the date, when would we get hitched? There were a lot of dates thrown out for September, November, the beginning of the next year, but I wanted to pick a really special date. When I came to the decision to pick July 19th, 2009, it wasn’t JUST the fact that it was exactly a year to the day he proposed; it was also the fact that even though I had waited years for this day, I wanted to take it slow and really enjoy being engaged. I put off my dream for a year and I didn’t have to, no one told me I had to; it was entirely my choice.

Surprise, surprise, I am not pregnant yet and that decision is not based on anyone else and what they have to say.  I have decided to wait at this moment because of the possibility of having lap band surgery. I obviously can’t get it done if I already was pregnant and I believe for my health that I should try to have that done and lose some weight with it first. After it is done, I am able to get pregnant and just have it adjusted during the pregnancy; afterwards it will be adjusted back with minimal difficulty. After I have lost what I feel is an adequate amount for my health, I have no intentions of preventing what I have wanted for so long. Me and Chad are ready to start a family when I decide to, I love children and I have a lot of love to give. More love that what my big body can hold and I want to give that to a child. We will NOT be waiting 5 years unless God chooses to make us wait because I believe he knows best for me and Chad and if he chooses to bless us with one before that point then it’s what’s meant to be.

There are many people out there who have rushed into having babies and they are still together years later while there are some that crashed and burned because of that. There are some that waited 10 years and still broke up. I don’t think that a certain time limit matters as much as simply being mentally and emotionally ready and being true to your vows. I believe whatever happens that I will be willing to do whatever takes to keep my marriage alive. If it means counseling and praying, I am willing to do that and I believe Chad is too. I know marriage is hard and bringing children into it can make it harder but I believe if both people are willing to do whatever it takes and truly love each other that they can do it.

I am not into partying, I have a degree I am proud of, and a strong idea of what I want my future to be like. I feel like I still have room to grow but I also feel like even at 30 or 40 I will still need to grow. If you don’t have ANY growing left to do, then why are you still here, right?

In closing, I noticed many parents have told me that they had their child at a young age and looking back on it, they wished they had waited a little while to grow up some more or waited in their marriage a little longer. Yet, in all these cases, every woman said that regardless of the age, they loved their children and wouldn’t trade them for the world. And isn’t that the main thing after all? Just the simple fact that even if you regret starting so young, the overall outcome of the situation is something you could never, ever regret.

et cetera
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