TheRealSharon's Blog











{March 7, 2013}   Abuse and Spontaneity

(This is a spontaneous poem from MY heart and is 100% true feelings for me)

A Poem for my Abuser

My life was supposed to be different

I should have been a normal girl

I never should have gone through

What you put me through

I shouldn’t have been put into this situation

I shouldn’t still have nightmares of what happened

To me.

I hate you so much for how you made me feel

Over years and years of time

You left me feeling confused, abused and ashamed

Everywhere I went, I had the past in my head

Keeping me afraid and scared to act like everyone else

My mental growth was stunted because of you

I had a hard time trusting anyone

Thinking they would ALL do what you did

You lied to me, used me and made me feel dirty

You made me afraid to be ME

You made ME feel guilty when it was all YOUR fault!

All you cared about was what you wanted

All you wanted was to take from me

What was so precious and special

So you took it, without any visible regrets

Not caring how my life would be screwed up

And messed up from then on

How could you not care what I wanted?

Did you care what I needed…at all?

Did it matter to you that I walked around inside myself

Scared to death of everyone

Because of YOU?

Do you even care now?

Do you dream of what you did and regret?

Do you care that I still wake up

From nightmares of when I was a little girl?

Do you care that every time a man bosses me around

I think of you and break down in pain and anguish?

Do you care that the hurt you cause

Will forever be a burden on my soul?

They say it’s best to forgive

In this case, you will never deserve it.

I will NEVER forgive

I will NEVER forget

When you die and pay for what you did

It will still never be enough

Nothing is going to take away

The memory of what you did.

It took over two decades to break my silence

But I refuse to EVER let you control me from afar.

It may be too late to make you pay on earth

But I have faith that you WILL.

You may have stole my innocence

But you will no longer steal my soul.

YOU are the evil one

YOU are the one who should be ashamed

I will forever be the innocent one

I know that now

Evil may have used me

But I am NOT evil

I am a strong woman

Who has overcome

I am good and brave

And I no longer

Give you the right

To make me sad

To make me feel guilty

To make me feel dirty

And ashamed

You have no more

Power

Over me any more!



{February 9, 2013}   Betrayed by your own Body

I try really hard not to do so many negative posts and be more positive but over the past couple weeks, my body has been betraying me. I knew all the years of being overweight would eventually hurt my body and since both my Mom and her Mom have had knee replacements, I knew I had THAT to worry about in my future. At 29 though, I never imagined one of my knees would be trying to escape on me!

It started with standing up from a chair a couple weeks ago and my whole right leg from the knee down feeling stiff and sore. What had I done? The only thing I recently HAD done was walk around for a bit at the grocery store and everything. Since my legs tend to get that way after walking for more than an hour or standing for more than an hour straight, I figured it was just that and it would eventually cease. But then, a couple days later, when all I did was walk into Walmart, my knee popped back. Imagine a Barbie doll with their flexible legs that you can take and bend so that the knee is facing behind you instead of forward. Yea…it felt like that followed by a stabbing pain that made me bend down and grab my knee. All together, it did that about 5 different times that day and I didn’t walk much at all. The feeling and the pain bothered me, but I really hoped it was just a rare occurence. Not so….

It’s been over a week and even when my knee doesn’t try to change direction on me, I feel like my leg is trying to just stop working. I get these needle like stabs behind my knee, above my knee, and all around it at just random times. When I’m sitting, my knee will pop and sting….when I’m sleeping and I move it? Likewise. I really hoped it would go away but so far it hasn’t and other than my weight(which I have been successfully losing), I don’t know what could be the cause of it. As much as I was wishing it would cease on its own, everyday it’s looking more and more like I will have to ask my doctor what’s wrong. It’s scares me to wonder what it could be….

It’s bad enough I have a rod in my right ankle that throbs and aches every time it’s going to rain. Now it seems the rest of my leg is going to betray me as well! UGH!



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