TheRealSharon's Blog











It’s a rainy day here and after the events of this past week, including last night, I feel like the rain is in solidarity with the mood of so many. Unless you live in a cave, you know about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. You may NOT yet know about the Fertilizer Plant that exploded last night in the little town of West, Texas though. This last tragedy started with an out of control fire, the first by some form of terrorist, either domestic or international. Both are devastating and heartbreaking, though. The little town of West with its population of 2,800 is near Waco, which I knew of but until this tragedy occurred, I had never heard of West. Very saddening how a little, unheard of town to me can become famous overnight practically from such a horrible thing. The last news I heard was there were 160 injured and who knows how many dead? It was a massive explosion which hit a middle school, nursing home, an apartment complex and several homes. Even five blocks from the blast, 60 more homes were heavily damaged. Now there’s a massive search underway for missing people as well as treating the injured.

I saw on the news the other day that April is notorious for tragedies. Columbine, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma City, and the Waco bombing are ALL past April tragedies. The fact that ONE of these past events is incredibly close to the West, Texas Fertilizer Plant Explosion in not only location but the date has to be a chilling reminder. The Waco bombing occurred 20 years ago tomorrow. I pray that the tragedies are over for this month, as well as from now on!

Another thing about April is the little saying, “April showers bring May Flowers”. Unrelated, you might say, but I’m not so sure. Rain washes away dirt and debris and is Mother Nature’s cleaner, in that regard. I sit here and hope that there will be a metaphorical rain that washes away all this pain of tragedy and on the other side, we will be able to see the sun again and a rainbow of hope. I pray all the horrible debris will be swept away and in the aftermath, we will see a new growth of strength, perseverance, and unity. Everyone affected by tragedy this week are in my thoughts and prayers and I pray for “rain” to come into your life and help wash away all your sadness and pain that you may be able to look forward to seeing the sun again.

~Virtual hugs to all!~

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Well, me and my hubby went to a friend’s house today for a fish fry. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet my friend’s newest little one, Aidan, who is 2 months old. He was so cute!

I enjoyed holding him, too. It was the first time I had held a baby that small in awhile. The last time was probably when his older sister was an infant and she is now close to 2. It felt like I had been holding a baby all my life, though. Which is not too far from the truth. I’ve been an aunt since I was 2 and held my first baby (that I can remember at 2 yrs. and 2 months). That baby was my first niece Krystal. We have pictures and there’s this big, humongous smile on my face cause I was so excited about holding a baby. I don’t think I even understand that I was an aunt until many years later but I knew what a baby was. I was obsessed with them.

I’m not making that up, either. Ask my mom! She told me that my first word was “baby” and I was so obsessed with them, she got a photo album and filled it with pictures of babies from magazines for me. I would sit there for hours and look at the babies. When other small children would carry their dolls around and throw them down when they were done or kind of be rough with them, I was like a little mommy. I would hold them just like an adult would and I would sing to my baby dolls, kiss their foreheads and gently lay them down. I guess I’m just a baby person…..I’ve always loved them and I’ve always known, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to be a mommy one day.

At the same time, I was around babies and children enough to know that it wouldn’t be the best to have one too young. My mom was a kindergarten teacher and then a daycare teacher and at church, she would volunteer in the nursery and I would help out as much as I was allowed. Some of my nieces also lived with us for years on and off, so I learned the “not so fun” parts of having a baby. I guess that was why in high school when I took Parenting Class, I was the ONLY one in my class that did a paper instead of taking home the crying baby. It was one of those dolls that cried like a baby and you would have to get up and turn the key and hold it. All the other girls were all excited and I said straight out, “No thank you!” I loved babies but I was NOT about to be kept up late taking care of a doll and having to carry it around all the time. So I did this like 5 page paper that was an option. I think the teacher had to come up with it on the spot cause she always offered an alternative but I don’t believe anyone had ever taken it.

I’m 27 now and a lot of my friends MY age already have at least one kid, if not more. I don’t have any yet. It’s not that I don’t want any because I really, really do. Every time a friend asks me when I’m going to have a baby, I’ll play it off and be like, ” Some day” but secretly, I want to scream, “I would love to say I am having one now!” Things don’t always work out like in fairy tales, though. Part of me is afraid to get pregnant because of my weight. I don’t even know if I would be able to anyways. Another part of me doesn’t care and if I ended up pregnant tomorrow, I would be happy and deal with it. It’s safe to say my biological clock has been running for a few years now. And the other day I read in a magazine about how having a baby between 25-30 is the best time and then after that, the odds go down extremely. It scares me to think it might take me too long to get where I need to be, weight wise, to have a baby. Not to mention, what if I am never able to get enough off to have one?

It leaves me depressed. In fact, THIS is a huge issue that keeps me from wanting to go anywhere or do anything which is kind of counter productive. I just get so down about what I CAN’T do because of my weight and then when I tell myself that that should be motivation, it doesn’t work. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore. Sad, but true. I’ve just gotten so tired of failing in the past, that I have gone numb. The will is not there any more.

Tonight, my friend Allison commented that it looked natural when I was holding the baby. Well….it feels natural to me. It always has, to an extent. I mean, there’s a little nervousness there because it’s someone else’s baby and I don’t want them to be afraid that I could drop them or something. Other than that, holding a baby has just always felt right to me. It’s felt like what I was meant to do. I feel this strong maternal urge inside me that tells me that THIS is my true purpose in life. I know that I am meant to be a mother some day. I KNOW that I have that maternal instinct inside me, but when will I get the chance to embrace it?

I know that this is a very personal post and you’re probably wondering why I would share this with the world. Well…why not? This is the REAL me. Why should I hide who I am? I hide myself in real life too often as it is.



{March 18, 2011}   They were all lessons learned

There was a time in my life where I thought I would get to an age where there were fewer lessons to learn. With age comes wisdom, right? So I used to think that the older I got, the less there was to learn. Yet the older I have gotten, the more lessons I have learned. Some were really hard to learn, others simple but there’s been an increasing number of lessons rather than decreasing. Gazing off into my future, I don’t ever see this changing either. I expect to be surprised constantly by the amount of things I don’t understand that I will some day grasp the meaning of.

What’s the biggest lesson you learned so far this year? | The Daily Post at WordPress.com.

It’s halfway through the 3rd month of 2011 now. When I read this question at first, I thought to myself, “What HAVE I learned this year?” and at first, it seemed like I have learned nothing. Maybe the biggest lesson I am learning right now is that I actually have learned things this year.

Take a room you see everyday and change one small thing in it. Just one small, unimportant, and seemingly unnoticeable detail. Then watch and see whoever you share your space with as they go through the room. How long does it take them to notice this change? Do they ever?

Sometimes that’s how lessons are for me. I learn one but it’s like someone took a room of my house and placed a paper on the table that wasn’t there before or moved a book to a different spot. I’ll go through days of my life without noticing the change but just because something goes unnoticed doesn’t mean it’s not there. The same goes for lessons. Just because I don’t recognize a lesson I have learned doesn’t mean that there are little changes here and there in my daily life that are from that lesson. I just don’t always pay attention.

Funny that…..I’ve always thought I was good at paying attention to detail. But maybe that’s only when I choose to recognize it.

What’s MY biggest lesson I have learned this year? Well, I would have to say that I have more determination and will inside me than I give myself credit for. I challenged myself to fight my procrastination on January 11, 2011. 1/11/11. I told myself I was going to write EVERYDAY and I also told myself there was no telling myself that I could make excuses. That the voice in the back of my head that likes to linger there and say “You can’t do it, give up”! will cease to exist when it comes to THIS. I asked others Do you think I will be able to? but to myself, I never asked myself if I would be able to. Because there was no question. I was going to do it, Mrs. Procrastinator was going to sit down, shut up, and get out of my way and I refuse to spend even a minute on doubting myself!

And 2 months later, I have NOT missed a day. Am I shocked? Nope. Cause I never once told myself that there was even a possibility that I wouldn’t still be going through with my challenge at this point. There’s no doubt in my mind that I will make it a year either. If the doubt starts to come, I shoo it away like a fly.

So where was this motivation years ago when I wanted it to be there? I have no idea! I suppose it would have been nice to have it there but why spend time regretting that it wasn’t there? I’m embracing the fact that I am overcoming procrastination in this one small part of my life. Do I still procrastinate on other things? Oh yes! Procrastination is a devil with a pitch fork and I am poking it away an inch at a time….Baby steps! Baby steps!

So going forth into my future…..The blog will continue EVERY DAY and I will poke at this devil little by little and keep working on overcoming it. As for other issues in my life…..Well….There’s other lessons to be learned…..

(When I saw this Daily Prompt, I thought of this song by Carrie Underwood…wonderful lyrics!)

Lessons Learned

There’s some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I’ve been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don’t really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There’s mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn’t see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don’t make no difference,
The past can’t be rewritten,
You get the life you’re given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can’t change the past,
Cause it’s gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it’s all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I’d get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I’m thankful, for every break in my heart,
I’m grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.



Boundaries

 

Stitch scars from a fall 7 1/2 yrs. ago

When I looked up the definition of Boundaries, I got “something that indicates bounds or limits.” At first when I considered the theme, I, at first, thought about physical boundaries or dividing lines between spaces or land. After giving it more thought, I realized that boundaries could also be mental and emotional lines that “bound” you or restrain you. Boundaries don’t always have to be visible to everyone. They can also be in your head controlling you, keeping you from doing something.

The reason I chose the picture I did is not because the scars represent a boundary to me. I chose to take this picture because the scars remind me of an invisible boundary that affects me very much.

August 21st, 2003. I was leaving one of my best friend’s houses and as I walked down the 3 or 4 steps outside, I fell. It was the 3rd time in my life I had fallen down stairs but the worse I had gotten from the other falls was a torn ligament in 8th grade. This time, I attempted to get up, heard a crack, my right foot gave and down again I went. Turns out I ended up having a broken fibula and a detached deltoid ligament….from falling down a couple steps!

I had to have surgery and get a rod placed in my foot, otherwise, the tiniest fall and broken fibula again. I was in the hospital a couple days after the surgery and all I remember is waking up from nightmare after nightmare. I would sleep awhile and then dream of myself falling down all over again and then jump awake. The pain after my surgery was horrible. I tried to describe it to my mom as someone ripping off my skin around my ankle and nailing it back on, over and over and over. Probably why I had a button I could push every 15 minutes for morphine. Believe me, I tried to push that thing more than that but it wouldn’t go off until 15 minutes had passed. I never knew 15 minutes could be so long!

Anyways…back to what my accident has to do with boundaries. Since my accident, I have been deathly afraid of stairs without railings. At first, even stairs were hard but I got over that. I know it’s a mental thing because if there’s a rail, I can leave my hand to hover over it as I walk up the stairs and only grab if I feel it necessary. But even though it may be a mental thing, it still feels impossible for me to overcome.

I have had so many people act like I’m crazy when I get scared to go up stairs without railings. I try to explain but they just don’t get it. They think I’m ridiculous and should just get over it. What they don’t realize is nothing they can say to me is anything that I haven’t already told myself. I give myself a really hard time about it and I don’t even understand it myself. I’ll stand in front of the steps and think about stepping up and it’s like this force that I can’t understand stops me. It doesn’t help me at all when I consider that if I fell down stairs again, there’s a very good chance I would break something again.

I guess I could have taken pictures of stairs without railings but I don’t believe that the stairs are the boundaries I can’t cross. My real boundary is the mental aspect and I can’t exactly take a photo of that. I CAN take a photo of something I see and live with everyday of my life that reminds me of my boundaries though.

It’s not the greatest picture but I believe this theme, for me personally, has been about more than a picture. It’s been about talking about a very real fear I have and how I would like to be able to overcome it someday.

 

 



Ever since my post on Monday, this quote has been stuck in my head. Stuck on repeat like an old fashioned record that got hung up on the needle. All it did was rain all day on Monday and somewhere in the middle of me thinking about how you have to deal with Monday to get to the weekend and the rain to get to the rainbow, I just had this quote pop in my head. I finally wrote it in my new Thought book last night and I decided I would look it up online and find out where did this quote originate from?

I found out it has been used several times but the place I think it probably originated from first was a poem by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow called “The Rainy Day”.

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary. 

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

What a beautiful poem! I know there’s a lot of depressing words used in it, but the verse “Behind the clouds is the sun still shining” is such an inspirational verse to me.

“Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall”…Such beauty found in such truth. In the midst of all your struggles and hardships in life, you must remember that you’re never alone. To go through difficult times is a common thing, shared by people the whole world over. No one is spared from it. I know there are sometimes where you look at others and their life seems so wonderful, they seem to have it all and nothing bad ever seems to happen to them. I don’t believe that is true, though. Some people are better at hiding the pain and the struggles behind closed doors and the outward exterior looks so beautiful and intriguing and you start to turn green with envy. It’s important to remember that old phrase “Don’t judge a book by its cover” at that moment. Just as a boring cover may hide an incredibly wonderful treasure inside, so must we realize that the most beautiful cover in the world can hide the ugliest, most horrible tales we have ever known.

Into my life and into your life, some rain must fall; sometimes your life can feel like it’s holding so much rain that you will drown in it. Sometimes you may actually feel like you have already drowned and you’re trying to swim back to the top and break through to the surface. I can relate. I’ve been there before and I’m sure I will again, we all have been there or will one day. Sometimes the rain seems like it will never stop, that this journey is endless but it helps to remember, at least for me, that others have been where you’ve been.

Another quote comes to my mind now and I’m not sure where it originated but it correlates well with this post.  “To reach the top of the hill, you have to have made it through the valley”. You can’t skip over the tough stuff and go right to the good. Even if you could, would it be worth it, really? I know at times, I am tempted to say, yes, it would be worth it. The hardships make the good times so much sweeter, though. If life was just great and marvelous 24/7, wouldn’t we take advantage of it? Wouldn’t we forget to be thankful for the good and rejoice over it?

Maybe, just maybe there IS a purpose for everything that happens in our lives. Maybe we are meant to face the rain so that we are better able to appreciate the sun that shines through afterwards.

I have a lot of friends and family that are going through a lot right now and in their lives, more rain is falling than I feel like they deserve in their life but I want them to remember to keep a look out for the sun. The sun is coming to brighten up your cold and dreary days and you are not alone.

My friends and family are MY rainbow after the storm

P.S. A friend of my mother-in-law’s has a son that recently fell down some stairs and he is in really bad shape. He has a wife and 3 kids that love him and from what I have read through posts on Facebook, he is doing good sometimes and then bad again. A friend created a group on Facebook for him and his mother to get more people all over to pray for him and his family but they will also be leaving it open to pray for others as well. I am going add a link on my post for this group and if you believe in praying at all, I hope that you will be led to join this group and add yourself to the many others who are praying for them. I do not know them personally but I feel for them and their family and I would love to help out by spreading the word to bring more prayers for them.

Prayers for Tom & Tammy.



et cetera
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