TheRealSharon's Blog











Another Rainy Day, sick and just feeling like sleeping the day away…so this Mirthful Monday is dedicated to Rainy Day jokes and cheering everyone else up that might be going through a rainy day like me, either literally or metaphorically. It’s always nice to see a bit of rainbow shining through, isn’t it? 🙂

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared,” the weather report said. “You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole said, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Again Ole replied, “Jeez, okay,” and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?” Lena replied, “Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.”

*****
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?” The man on the phone responded, “This winter was going to be quite cold indeed.” So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?” “Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.” So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absol utely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?” “Absolutely” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”
*****
Q. What’s the difference between weather and climate ? A. You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate !
*****
May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you
Joke: Three large men were using one very small umbrella, yet none of them got wet. How?
Answer: It wasn’t raining!
*****
A man gave all of his seven umbrellas for repair at one time and told the shopkeeper he would pick it up in the evening while back from work.On the way to work in Bus, out of habit he grabbed the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, got up and started walking.The woman started yelled, “Umbrella thief, Umbrella thief.”

The embarrassed guy returned the umbrella and apologized, before getting abused and beaten up by other woman loving passengers.

In the evening he picked up all his umbrellas repaired, put them under his arms and started walking towards home. Unfortunately the morning lady returning from work bumped into him.

The lady commented, “Seems, you had a profitable day at work today.”

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.-Fran Lebowitz
Most adults, unlike most children, understand the difference between a book that will hold them spellbound for a rainy Sunday afternoon and a book that will put them in touch with a part of themselves they didn’t even know existed.-Mark Haddon
I am ending this post with a bit of nostalgia for me and maybe for you too, if you were a kid of the 80’s…maybe even of the 90’s? Remember the show Reading Rainbow? I used to LOVE that show! Here is the old show opener and theme. 🙂
*Both photos used in this post came from Photobucket*


{January 2, 2012}   Mirthful Monday-LATE Edition

Since I’m posting this at night time, THIS Mirthful Monday is dedicated to being late! I apologize for missing last week’s Mirthful Monday. I was so busy with family and the holidays, it completely slipped my mind until I had already done a post through my phone and I just didn’t have time to do it. Call it Holiday Brain Freeze!

Also, I wish everyone a Happy 2012! 🙂

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late . . . and you’re still not ready?”

*****

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

“Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!”

“That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”

*****

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE TO SCHOOL

1.They’re always ringing the bell before I get there.

2.I saw a sign that read “School Ahead. Go Slow.”, so I did.

3.My watch was set to Tokyo time.

4.I had to feed my pet piranha.

5.My alarm clock kept going off while I was asleep.

6.Sorry–usually my punctuation skills are excellent.

7.I was dreaming about a b-ball game, and it went into overtime.

8.I’M on time–everyone else is early.

9.I told you if i wasn’t here, you should go ahead and start without me.

10.What? I thought this place was open until three thirty!

*****

Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn’t have time to think of one

*****

“He was always late on principle, his principle being that punctuality was the thief of time.” -Oscar Wilde

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.” E.V. Lucas

Never Too Late
It is never too late to be happy;
It is never too late to smile;
It is never too late to extend a hand
With a cheering word once in a while.
For there’s never a sorrow or worry
In all this green-covered earth
But is followed soon by a gladsome joy
And a generous measure of mirth.
~ Jeanette H. Carey



Since next Monday will be the day AFTER Christmas, THIS Monday will be dedicated to Christmas and Holiday Jokes! 🙂 Enjoy!

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
Christmas Elf
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

Some Musical Christmas Advice:

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don’t want.

*****

Ten Worst Gifts to Buy A Woman(With added thoughts by Moi!)

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (In all honesty, I wouldn’t even want the washing machine really…..getting appliances for Christmas is like, “Merry Christmas”…Now there’s no excuse to do housework!)

Snowman
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. (Seriously….since when are cleaning supplies a good idea for a gift? The only time I would accept a cleaning “gift” is if it’s given to me with my husband’s offer to DO the cleaning FOR me!)

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.” (IF my husband DID come home with lipstick on his collar…this is very true…but I much prefer the frying pan method….)

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas. (This would be fine if I could turn around and buy my guy jewelry for myself…LOL)

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend). (First of all…he better not have anyone but ME and second of all…cartoon character pajamas are only OK if she requests them or has an obsession with one of them…)

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names. (In all honesty, I do not mind the no name brands and feel they smell pretty much the same…but if a man can afford to splurge a little, it IS nice. )

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies. (I actually resent this comment because I’m not a snob, I don’t have to have the best of the best and don’t test my diamonds….if it’s not real gold or silver, it WILL turn my finger green though…but like I said with the perfume, it’s not that big of a deal to me….BUT if a guy HAS the money, it IS nice to splurge…if he doesn’t…it’s understandable to me although I’m sure not ALL women agree)

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It’s a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day. (very true….just give me a gift card or money instead! LOL)

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. (NOW we are talking! 🙂 Even if the women says she wants to lose weight or have a membership, I would agree that THIS is just not the best idea for a gift!)

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law. (Yea…not sure what they are meaning by the book title, but no wrinkle cream for me!)

*Women…I suggest making a list for your man! ;)*

*****

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
Snowman
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, “It’s something like your sister’s room, but without a stereo.”

*****

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

*****

Santa Stats
From http://www.JOKE-OF-THE-DAY.com

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. — and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid’s parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa’s sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 — plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

*****

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

*****
Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.  ~Carol Nelson

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day.  Don’t clean it up too quickly.  ~Andy Rooney

Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.  ~Author unknown, attributed to a 7-year-old named Bobby

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.  ~Harlan Miller

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.  ~Author Unknown

No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.  ~Robert Kirby

The worst gift is a fruitcake.  There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.  ~Johnny Carson

Wouldn’t life be worth the living
Wouldn’t dreams be coming true
If we kept the Christmas spirit
All the whole year through?
~Author Unknown

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?  It came without ribbons.  It came without tags.  It came without packages, boxes or bags.  And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore.  Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before.  What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store.  What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.  ~Dr Seuss



{December 12, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Cleaning Edition

I’m in Super Maid Cleaning Mode this week so I need all the laughter and cheer I can get…and why not share it with all of you? This week’s dose of joy is dedicated to Cleaning! 🙂

Signs I need to Own for my Kitchen:

1. Kitchen closed – – this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
3. I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!<——Exactly!
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

Good Housekeeping Tip:

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel…..

So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you’ve been sick and unable to
clean.

*****

Is  housework and chores keeping you away from the internet?  Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!

1)Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash.

2)Laundry ?  Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week.  For odors……spray with cologne.  If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON’T!  Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes

3)Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house.  Some valuable tips for success: Don’t always call same company, keep a chart and rotate.  If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a thorough job.

4)If it doesn’t come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help.  He’s always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone’s name on the plate or cup so they can use it over n’ over n’ over.

5)Mowing problems solved!  Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they’ll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then you can start with a new bunch in the spring

*****

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

*****

Q: Why don’t men do laundry?

A: Cause the washer and dryer don’t run on remote control!

Sign in a Laundromat over the washers:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

*****

It’s Not the Detergent That Gets You

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my frog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your frog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

*****

And, for a last laugh 🙂

10 Rules Of Housecleaning


1. Don’t vacuum too often— it weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands,” and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive.”

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”

9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven’t had the heart to clean it.”

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean, and I still don’t get anywhere.”

Hey, it’s better than actually CLEANING!



{December 5, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Get Well Edition

Due to this lovely cold I have, I decided to do a Mirthful Monday dedicated to adding humor to the allergy and cold season we are in. Thus, I am naming this the Get Well Edition. May others find some get well humor when they are going through allergies, cold, flu, etc.!

Okay, ladies, which is worse—having a cold, or hearing your husband whine when he has one?

One more sneeze like that and it’ll take the Amazing Kreskin to find my contacts.

*****

The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy. Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

 *****
“My dear doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, because I have been practicing all night.” John Philpot Curran
Did you hear the story about the germ?
Never Mind. I don’t want it spread all over.
*****

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

*****


Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

*****

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two and keep away from children.”


An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day keeps everyone away.


Support bacteria.
They’re the only culture some people have.

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
For the Hillbilly

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Barium: What you do when CPR fails

Cesarean Section: A district in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Congenital: Friendly

Dilate: To live long

Fester: Quicker

G.I. Series: Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail: A coathook

Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane

Minor Operation: Coal digging

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrate: Lower than the day rate

Node: Was aware of

Organic: Musical

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Protein: In favor of young people

Secretion: Hiding anything

Serology: Study of English knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Tumor: An extra pair

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose veins: Veins which are very close together

*****

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.
— Flip Wilson

The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they’ll ease
Your will they’ll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
— Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
— Ellie Katz

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax – tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
— Pearl Williams

I get by with a little help from my friends.
– John Lennon



{November 28, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Shopping

It’s that time of year where most people are getting their Christmas shopping either started or finished up early. I haven’t even started. I have to figure out a budget for gifts and try to get it done sometime soon. Since shopping can be fun but stressful during the holidays, here’s a Mirthful Monday dedicated to shopping to bring you some cheer! 🙂

AND I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

The Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line…

“That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”                         ******

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”

******

Good bye, Mother!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around, but he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
She said: “Pardon me, I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
The young man replied: “I’m very sorry, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes, as I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother!’? It would make me feel so much better.”
The young man answered: “Sure!”
As the old woman was leaving, he called out: “Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
The clerk answered: “Your mother said that you would pay for her!”

*****

Fun Things To Do In Walmart

Fill shopping carts with strange combinations of items and leave them parked at strategic locations.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Ride a display bicycle through the store. If questioned, claim you are taking it for a test drive.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Play with the automatic doors. Act as if you are trying to figure out what strange magic makes them work.

Set the display alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. If they notice, turn around and look innocent.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” Watch them try to remember who you are.

Re-accessorize the mannequins.

Make up bizarre nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hell” upside down, or 666.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

Find a comfy couch in the furniture department and take a nap.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, “It’s the voices again!”

When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in narrow aisles.

Walk up to an employee and state in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 5 in housewares,” and see what happens.

Go to the food court and buy a drink in a big, colorful cup. Drag a lounge chair and a beach umbrella over to the magazines and relax!

(Sorry to the employees if anyone does any of these!)

Blind Guy At Wal-Mart

A young lady approached the checkout counter at the local walmart. She placed a bag of potting soil on the counter. It was at this time she noticed that the check guy was blind. She started to take her potting soil to another counter but he told her he was good at his job. Still unsure, she stayed where she was. He put his hand on the bag and right away told her it was $9.99. She was amazed that she was getting the potting soil for such a good deal. She went to get her wallet out of her pocket book and dropped it. When she bent over she let “one slip”. Right before she got her money out, the man told her,”That’ll be $21.99.” She was shocked. She said,”I thought you said it was $9.99. What happened?” The man very politely replied,”Well, the potting soil was $9.99, the duck call was $5, and the catfish bait was $7.

*****
I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist.
Tammy Faye Baker
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
Tommy Cooper
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
Elayne Boosler

A Squirrel Attack

A Chicago woman Marcy Meckler filed a law suit at Cook County Circuit Court to sue Old Orchard, an open-air shopping mall, because a squirrel attacked her leg while she was at the mall on December 3, 2004. She was attacked by the squirrel right after she had left Tiffany & Co. jewelry store and was walking through a courtyard. She claims in her case that in the struggle she fell and suffered serious injuries. The suit states that the mall failed “to warn the plaintiff of the squirrel’s presence.” She attempted to get $50,000 from the mall.

A study done by GE Money stated that women spend over 8 years of their life shopping. A woman spends 399 hours and 46 minutes each year shopping. Therefore, in a 63-year period, women will shop for 25,184 hours and 53 minutes. The 399 hours and 46 minutes are broken down into the following:

1. About quarter (94 hours and 55 minutes) of her shopping time is spent at the grocery store shopping for food for herself and her family (perhaps because most men do not voluntarily do the grocery shopping).

2. About 10% of her shopping time (36 hours and 17 minutes) is spent buying gifts for family and friends.

3. 48 hours and 51 minutes are spent window shopping.

4. The rest of the time, women shop for themselves: clothes, shoes, accessories, beautification items, and toiletries.

_____________________________________________________________

Giving Thanks Day 28: Today, I am thankful there are more ways of shopping so you don’t have to get out in the crowds if you don’t want to. Yay for online shopping! I am also very thankful for my husband AGAIN today, as this day marks 4 years since he originally asked me to be his girl and 4 years later, we are married and still together. Today is also one of my close friends birthdays so today is a very good day and I am just thankful all around for it! 🙂



{November 21, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Thanksgiving Edition

Since this is Thanksgiving Week, this Mirthful Monday is dedicated to Thanksgiving funnies! Feel free to come back and re-read this post on Thanksgiving Day if you need something to keep you awake after the big meal!

The football-playing turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.”

“Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy answered, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

From thebackpew.com

At Thanksgiving with her folks, single Sally prayed the following, “Oh Dear Lord, I’m thankful for all the blessing in my life. And, I’m not asking for this for myself. But please send my mother a son-in-law.”

*****

Billy: I can’t wait to go to Grandma’s for Thanksgiving. My cousin’s going to be there, and he has three feet!
Willie: Wow! How’d that happen?
Billy: I don’t know. My aunt wrote my parents and said, “You won’t recognize little Howie. He’s grown another foot.”

******

Did You Know?

  • Turkeys can have heart attacks. Groups of turkeys, sometimes known as a rafter of turkeys would drop dead when the Air Force was conducting test runs and breaking the sound barrier nearby.
  • Apparently turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.
  • Excessive turkey breeding has caused turkey breasts to grow so enormous that the turkeys sometimes fall over.
  • The Pilgrim Fathers would not eat lobster because they thought it was a giant insect

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!.

The Ears of Wheat by The Brothers Grimm

Ages upon ages ago, says the German grandmother, when angels used to wander on earth, the ground was more fruitful than it is now. Then the stalks of wheat bore not fifty or sixty fold, but four times five hundred fold. Then the wheat- ears grew from the bottom to the top of the stalk.

But the men of the earth forgot that this blessing came from God, and they became idle and selfish.

One day a woman went through a wheat-field, and her little child, who accompanied her, fell into a puddle and soiled her frock. The mother tore off a handful of the wheat-ears and cleaned the child’s dress with them.

Just then an angel passed by and saw her. Wrathfully he spoke, ‘Wasteful woman, no longer shall the wheat- stalks produce ears. You mortals are not worthy of the gifts of Heaven!’
Some peasants who were gathering wheat in the fields heard this, and falling on their knees, prayed and entreated the angel to leave the wheat alone, not only on their account, but for the sake of the little birds who otherwise must perish of hunger.

The angel pitied their distress, and granted a part of the prayer. And from that day to this the ears of wheat have grown as they do now.

_____________________________________________________________

Giving Thanks Day 21: Today, I am thankful for poetry and how so much can be expressed with it. To go along with this, I am sharing a poem about giving thanks I found.

I am thankful:

For the wife
Who says it’s hot dogs tonight
Because she is home with me
And not out with someone else.

For the husband
Who is on the sofa
Being a couch potato
Because he is home with me
And not out at the bars.

For the teenager
Who is complaining about doing dishes
Because it means she is at home,
Not on the streets.

For the taxes I pay
Because it means
I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party
Because it means I have
Been surrounded by friends

For the clothes that fit a little too snug
Because it means
I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work
Because it means
I am out in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing,
Windows that need cleaning,
And gutters that need fixing
Because it means I have a home.

For all the complaining
I hear about the government
Because it means
We have freedom of speech.

For the parking spot
I find at the far end of the parking lot
Because it means
I am capable of walking,
And I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating bill
Because it means
I am warm.

For the lady behind me in church
Who sings off key
Because it means I can hear.

For the pile of laundry and ironing
Because it means
I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles
At the end of the day
Because it means I have been
Capable of working.

For the alarm that goes off
In the early morning hours
Because it means
I am alive.

And finally, for too much e-mail
Because it means
I have friend who is thinking of me.



{November 14, 2011}   Mirthful Monday

There are 10 days left until Thanksgiving and for most people, this is a day where family gets together and spends time together. Whenever you get family together, there are bound to be strong emotions. While an occasional argument may erupt, there are sure to at least be a moment or two of laughter somewhere in the mix. This Mirthful Monday is dedicated to families and the laugh out loud moments they bring!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.  “Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out.   “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

FAMILY HISTORY

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues. “Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?”

“Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. (Sorry, Mom!)  

 My dad gave me this advice “Son, there are a couple of times in a man’s life
when he does not understand a woman” “What are they” I enquired. “Before
marriage and also after marriage”. 

The average mother takes two whole days to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner but most kids don’t really care. I have taken an informal but exhaustive poll of kids and have come to the conclusion that if Twinkies came with drumsticks, all turkeys would die of old age.  

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked. 
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

This is ONE way of getting your family to your home for the holidays:

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. 

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.” 

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” 

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.” The father agrees, “All right.” 

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?
_______________________________________________________________________
Giving Thanks Day 14: Today, I give thanks for laughter. Laughter is truly the BEST form of medicine there is….with only positive side effects!


{October 31, 2011}   Mirthful Monday Meets HALLOWEEN

First of all, HAPPY HALLOWEEN! May everyone have fun with whatever plans you have and be safe today! Since today is also Mirthful Monday, this week’s post is all about Halloween funnies! 🙂

Top 10 Signs You’re at a Bad Halloween Party

10) Bobbing for Turnips
9) A carved watermelon in the window
8) Most abused substance: Candy Corn!
7) During game of Poker, when you lose a hand, you REALLY lose a hand!
6) No one enters the “Squeal Like A Pig” Room
5) Woman dressed as a witch actually turns the party’s drunk into one of the Budweiser Frogs.
4) Everyone uses one of those Monster Eye Straws from Taco Bell to drink from the punch bowl
3) Instead of “Monster Mash”, host decides to play the HANSON CD non-stop
2) Several scantily clad women standing by a bedroom door give new meaning to the phrase “Trick or Treat”. They’re all transvestites!
1) Roseanne shows up in her Pamela Anderson Baywatch costume

Not sure about YOU, but #3 would scare me to death! AH!

Wolfman

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. “How was work, dear?” his wife asks. “Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts. “Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely. “Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?” At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”

I sort of feel sorry for this dog....

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!



{October 24, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Quotes

It’s time for another Mirthful Monday!

This week is dedicated to quotes. Quotes that make you smile and quotes that make you laugh, a little of both and I hope you will see at least a few you have never heard before! 🙂

These next quotes come from a book I own called “Wit & Wisdom of Famous American Women”

Tallulah Bankhead: “I met the most marvelous man. He’d be wonderful for you.”

Peggy Joyce: “Is he my type?”

Tallulah Bankhead: “Sure—-he’s alive and breathing.”

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh—at yourself. -Ethel Barrymore

I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it’s all a little bit lower.-Gypsy Rose Lee

When I want to really blast one, I just loosen my girdle and let ‘er fly.-Babe Didrikson Zaharias

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.-Louisa May Alcott

I’m having trouble managing the mansion. What I need is a wife.-Ella T. Grasso

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but unlike charity, it should end there.-Clare Booth Luce

The rest of the quotes were found in various places online.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.P.J. O’Rourke

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?Phyllis Diller

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. Steven Wright

“Friends are like bras:close to your heart and there for support.”-Unknown

“You know, someone actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said, “Parking Fine”.” Tommy Cooper

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”-Agatha Christie

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.” – Anonymous

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers”. – Homer Simpson

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz

“Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?”
– Lily Tomlin

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they’re crouching and hidden.
~ Steve Martin

“Friends are God’s ways of apologizing for our families.”
~ Anonymous

Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come. William Shakespeare



et cetera
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