TheRealSharon's Blog











{September 6, 2013}   Missing Haiku

I can’t believe it

I never expected it

That you would be gone….so soon.

Yea, I broke the Haiku rules and added 2 words… :p



“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”

These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago.  And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..

Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while.  I will finally meet my great niece for the first time.  Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner.  At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death.  It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now.  I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right.  BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad.  She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died.  Well…it’s kind of hard not to.  We are human and we are here while she is gone.  I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united.  I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago.  I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.

But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost.  My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories.  Is it selfish to cry over that thought?  I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did.  Is it natural to regret?  I am relatively immature with death.  I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me.  I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between.  My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember.  People even said we looked alike.

My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony.  How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life?  I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be.  So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax.  I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances.  If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back.  It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them.  My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad.  She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her.  Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her.  At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins.  Now she is getting to meet them before us.  This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us.  They are now extra protected with her there.  Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love.  At least, that’s what I would like to think.

My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting.  I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will.  I will because I think my Nanny would want that.



{August 29, 2013}   In no mood to write

Normally, writing helps.  I actually had a long post in my head to write about what I’m feeling, but at the moment, I do not feel like writing it.  The last thing I wanted to do was work today… I enjoy my job, but my mind was everyone else BUT on my work.  My heart is breaking right now for my Mom.  If you did not read my post last night, you probably are confused right now.  My Nanny (my Mom’s Mom) passed away yesterday afternoon.  It was pretty unexpected.  I mean, I think we all knew she wouldn’t live for many more years but no one expected her to leave yesterday.  😦

I have cried tears over it, and I am sure I will cry much, much more, but I think right now I just feel sadness for my Mom.  I can’t even imagine what she is feeling right now, because if I ever lost her, I think I would go insane.  Obviously, it’s a fact of life, but she was the only daughter of my Nanny.  She had a brother…but she was the only daughter and he was the only son.  My Mom was extremely close to her Mom as I am to mine.  I wish I could be there for her more right now….I wish I could do more….I just feel lost and down….and in no mood to write about this right now.  😦



{August 5, 2013}   When losing sucks

Nothing new on the weight loss front, but it sure feels like I lost a load.  Not in pounds, though.  I feel brokenhearted and maybe a little guilty.  Why, you ask? Well, almost 4 years ago, around the holidays, I brought home a free puppy I got from the Walmart parking lot.  I knew I didn’t need a pet, couldn’t really afford one, and using the excuse of my future husband(at the time) allowing me to get her is no excuse.  Once I got her, I loved her so much, but it was obvious to me I wasn’t really ready for her.  People seemed to know this and their annoying pointing it out just made me want to prove them wrong.

It was obvious from Day one that she was MUCH younger than what she was supposed to be.  As she grew, she started biting more than she should and no matter what me or my Mom did, she just didn’t understand that it wasn’t okay to be so rough with people.  She got too big and wild for the house so we moved her outdoors.  When me and my husband moved into our apartment we have now, we had every intention of taking her with us.  We would have to train her to be inside all the time, but we would do it somehow.  Unfortunately, our apartment vetos aggressive breeds, and she was not only half beagle, but half rottweiler…what I lovingly referred to as a rottabee.  So she stayed outside at my parents and my Dad took over the responsibility of taking care of her.  He would always gripe about her barking all the time and having to buy all the dog food, but when he didn’t know you were looking, I saw him talk to her like a baby.  He had said before when I first got her that he didn’t like having dogs because they would die….

Angel had been over at my parents living for almost 4 years.  She barked nonstop when she saw someone, but when surrounding houses in the neighborhood were getting broken into, my parents house never did.  She would chase cats, possums, rats, etc. and if she caught them, she would kill them.  I guess it was the Rottweiler in her surfacing.  Once during Eastertime, she left a dead baby bunny….so sad, but we also made a joke about her killing the Easter bunny.  We would go talk to her when we went over to my parents.  My husband would go love on her and we both called her “Angel butt”…don’t ask me why, it was just a name we started calling her and it stuck.  Not long ago when I was over there, she cracked me out with her chasing of some critter hidden behind various washer/dryers my Dad has outside(he is a hoarder!).  She even jumped on top of them to try to get at her prize.

A couple weeks ago, I thought she was started to look scrawny.  My Mom thought she was just shedding since it was summer.  On Friday, we pulled up outside the house and it bothered me that I didn’t hear Angel barking.  I called her name for a good 5 minutes and nothing.  I feared the worst….Mom called and no answer as well.  My mom asked my Dad about her and he said she hadn’t been eating much lately and he had been trying everything he could to get her to eat and drink.  I went back outside determined to get her to answer me.  I started calling again and the saddest sight appeared.  I apologize for giving you a depressing sight, but I am just relaying what I saw.  She came around the corner and almost tripped as she staggered up to the fence.  Her head was tilted to the left and she never straightened it.  Her left eye appeared bugged out and she started barking…a very weak bark compared to the bark she normally would do.  It broke my heart and I just knew something was very wrong.  Seeing her like that made me want to just start crying.  I told Mom how she was acting, but later when my Mom came out, she had gone back around the house and although, she would answer in weak barks, she never returned to the fence.  I knew she was hurt bad for sure then.

I researched online and the symptoms seemed to match up with a brain tumor.  My Dad called all the vets in town over the weekend, and they all said it sounded like that.  I read about how to help, and my Dad tried to feed her food and water in his hands.  On Saturday, she ate and drank a little that way, but not much.  On Sunday, my Dad stayed home to take care of her, which he never ever does.  She wouldn’t eat or drink anything at all, and she had started dragging her back legs and tail behind her.  She would try to stand up sometimes, but just couldn’t do it.  She was getting worse and we had already decided to take her to the vet and if it was confirmed what we already thought, we would put her to sleep.  It would just be cruel to let her continue to suffer.  So my Dad took her today…they said it actually looked like she had ate antifreeze or poison.  There is no way she could have got into either in our yard, except for if she picked up something from an animal she killed.  The other alternative is that someone threw poison over the fence to silence her barking OR even so they could later burglarize the house.  If someone DID poison her, then I wish for someone to poison them in return.  I don’t understand how someone could do something to an innocent creature. 😦 I wasn’t with her when she was put to sleep, but my Dad was there and held her.  I am glad she wasn’t alone.  My last worry for her is that she would die alone without anyone there.

I feel like I abandoned her after I brought her home by leaving her behind.  I feel guilty now that we have an inside dog because our new dog is getting all this love and attention that Angel didn’t get.  I also feel like she had a sucky life because she also had Parvo as a puppy, which cost a ton of money to cure, but she came through.  I do not regret any of the money I spent then and I do not regret it now, but I feel guilty for not giving her more time and attention.  I just hope that she is in Heaven happy right now.  Like I said yesterday, I really hope there are dogs in Heaven, because she deserves to have a happier life there than she did here.  I love you, Angel, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Mommy to you. I hope you are happy and healthy now!

R.I.P. Angel

R.I.P. Angel



{May 16, 2013}   “Don’t ever get Old”

I’ve never really written about this before but lately it has really gotten to me. Maybe before I was in denial or just didn’t want to see it but I see it now and I can’t unsee it. My Nanny has been wheelchair bound for years now but the past couple of years, she has gradually gotten worse and worse. A couple of years ago, my mom basically moved in with her to help take care of her because every time she was left alone, she would end up falling. When she falls, they have to send someone to help her up. Her limit of getting around was from her wheelchair to her chair and that’s about all. I knew her mobility and her memory had been getting worse. I remember last year when planning for my parents 50th anniversary and at Christmas too when my Mom would break down in tears and say she didn’t think Nanny would be around too much longer. I hate seeing someone cry but I especially hate it when it’s my Mom. If I dwell on it too much, I will cry too and that will just make HER cry more so I try not to think about it.

My Nanny made a comment before the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my parents that most parents don’t live long enough to see their daughter’s 50th and that is definitely true. My Nanny is 90 years old and that is an accomplishment, for sure. She said she wanted to make it to see the anniversary and then after that, she was ready to go….I’m sure you understand what she meant.

That was back in November. Since then, it has gotten harder for her to even move a step from chair to chair. Two Sundays ago, she fell in the bathroom while my parents were at church. Stubbornness runs in our family and she was trying to do something she shouldn’t have (getting something out of the closet), failed to turn her wheelchair off and it bumped into her, causing her to fall on her stomach. Luckily, my Uncle Wayne was coming in that day, got there early, heard her call for help and took the bathroom door off and helped her back in her chair. She had bruises on her head, was sore all over and possibly sprained a finger and her ankle. Since then, the even one step has been torture for her, as I have seen with my own eyes. My Mom tries to help her as much as she can but my Mom is 69, almost 70 herself and she is basically having to carry my Nanny’s weight a lot to help her in the chair. This past Monday and Tuesday I was over there and I could see the frustration on both of their faces as they argued with each other. My Mom gets frustrated because my Nanny won’t let do what she needs to do and she won’t let her help her the way SHE wants to help her. My Nanny gets upset because it’s so hard for her and she hates that Mom has to do so much. There’s been many a time when I have heard her say it would be easier on my Mom if she wasn’t around and that breaks my heart. I know it breaks Mom’s heart. On Tuesday, my Nanny said she thought she might have possibly cracked a rib or two during the fall and you could visibly tell she was in excruciating pain. She’s diabetic, her legs swell like crazy, she’s too old for surgery and she can hardly get around at all anymore. She’s been telling me “Don’t ever get old, Sharon” a LOT lately. What do I say to that?

My Mom seems to be at the end of her rope with what she can do. She has mentioned nursing homes a lot lately and I KNOW Nanny will absolutely hate it if that happens. My Mom would be there as much as possible though. Our family is NOT the type to put our family in a nursing home and abandon them. My Mom would end up living there if allowed, trust me. But in the back of your mind, we all know what nursing homes stand for. A last resort. The place you go to when all other solutions fail. 😦 My Nanny has adamantly stated in the past that she never wanted to go to a nursing home. I fear that if my Nanny permanently goes to one, this will mean she won’t be here much longer. She’s been saying for awhile now that she doesn’t expect to be around before each event comes. We all just try to ignore it and tell her she’ll probably live to 100. Deep inside, I and probably everyone else fears the truth. When someone starts saying they don’t expect to be around much longer, I think they have stopped having a reason to live. A lot of people go to nursing homes and then don’t last much once they enter those doors.

I don’t want to consider that my Nanny might not be here come next year. I don’t want to ever think about a world where my last grandparent is gone from this world. I don’t want to imagine that someday I will have my first child and he or she will never know their Nanny. BUT you can’t hide from the truth forever and it’s finally hitting me. As I write this post, the first tears form and flow from my eyes. I’ve NEVER thought this out the way I am doing now so I’ve never allowed myself to cry over it. I am now, though. I thought it was time I let my feelings out so I can really digest everything that’s happening around me. In the same week as I become a Great Aunt again, I have to also come to grips with the fact that I could possibly lose another family member in the not too distant future. It’s possible she WILL live to 100, but my head and my heart tells me that I need to be realistic. So I am…and it hurts…and I’m scared but I will get through because someone will have to be here for my Mom when the day comes.



Woohoo! Yep, I’ve hit the 75 lb. mark! I lost 2 more pounds since last week and have finally made it to 75 total pounds lost! Now I’m ready to head straight ahead to the 100 mark and….I really think my husband should buy me something really special when I get there, huh? What do you think? 🙂

That’s all I have to say for today as far as my weight….I’m excited!

Picture on left is from today! :)

Picture on left is from today! 🙂

But…sadly, to add a somber note, my husband lost one of his grandfathers this morning. 😦 I lost both of mine when I was still young along with one of my grandmas and now just have one left. I know whenever she passes, it’s going to be hard on me and my family. I especially can’t imagine how his step mom and HER mom(the wife of the grandpa) are feeling. I have friends that have lost moms and friends that have lost a spouse but I’ve never faced either of these things as of yet and just thinking about losing either my mom OR my husband is just so incredibly depressing. Losing people you love just sucks…honestly. My heart goes out to my husband and his sister and his step mom and grandma as well as the rest of their family during this time. I can only imagine what they are feeling right now but they are in my thoughts and prayers! If you would like to send positive thoughts and prayers my hubby and his family’s way, I know they would appreciate it! Thanks to all of you in advance!



{February 21, 2011}   Sorrow hits the best of us

This post started out as something else but took a completely different turn…..

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

May Angels comfort and watch over you

I read some sad news today. One of my 2nd or 3rd cousins, I believe, on my dad’s side, lost her newborn baby boy today. : (    I think the last time I saw the girl was probably back when my dad’s mom passed away, so I wasn’t very close to her, but it’s still sad. She’s around my age…maybe a little younger and this is the 3rd son she has had to bury. I feel for her and her immediate family. I really do. It just seems to be more than any one person should have to go through.

I don’t even have kids yet and it seems to be something that would be too hard to bear. I hope this is something I will never have to know the pain of personally. I feel selfish saying that because I am close to a couple of people that DO know this pain. They are some of the most incredible, strongest women I know. One is older than me and the other just a bit younger, but I look up to both of them and admire them dearly for the strength they have shown.

One experienced the pain well before I even knew she existed, the other one it happened to when I was in her life as a best friend. Me and my mom used to watch her baby girl and she loved my mom so much. I think she started to see my mom as a second mom, in fact. I still remember the phone call saying there had been an accident. I remember telling my mom with tears running down my face. I remember being so scared and worried for my best friend. Nothing else mattered at that moment other than her. I know my hair wasn’t brushed. Not sure if my clothes matched; all I cared about was seeing about my friend. My best friend was going to make it but her baby girl was in bad shape. She eventually went to heaven right after her 2nd birthday. She wasn’t even my child and it broke my heart in a million pieces. My heart ached for my friend and it ached for the little girl that I considered an adopted niece. It was so hard going to the funeral. I didn’t want to cry a lot because I didn’t want to upset her worse. I had to try to be strong for her. She was the mother, this was her child, I have no right to be so sad when SHE is going through much, much more than me. So I built up the strength, tried to squash back the tears and I went. Then came time to see my friend and sorrow is a hard thing for me. I struggle with knowing what to say. Giving hugs and saying the right words has always be incredibly hard for me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care and that I don’t genuinely feel for people. It’s just something I struggle with. I had never had to look into a best friend’s eyes and tell her I was sorry for her losing her baby girl. A best friend that was like a little sister I never had, but who would I be if I didn’t say anything? Everyone knew how close we were. What would they think? I HAD to build up the courage and say something. So I did. I gave her a hug and told her I was so sorry and I held back the tears. I wanted to turn away and get out of the building so I could go hide and cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. But SHE was the strong one. SHE was the brave one. She looked at me with a smile on her face and said,”Don’t worry, She’s with the angels in heaven now.” Suffice it to say, the tears came. There was a flood gate behind my eyes that wanted to unload right there and turn the room into a river, but I couldn’t let it. So I nodded my head, tried to smile back with the tears starting to flow and slowly walked away. The flood released after I left her side but she didn’t see. When I think back to that time, I still can’t believe how strong she was. I can’t believe to this day, how strong she still is.

And that was one child….my cousin has now lost 3. I just can’t even begin to fathom her pain and I hope to God, that she will be comforted by him and his angels right now. If you’re reading this blog, please pray for that with me.

It’s so curious:  one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.  ~Colette

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.  ~Author Unknown



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