TheRealSharon's Blog

“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”

These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago.  And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..

Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while.  I will finally meet my great niece for the first time.  Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner.  At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death.  It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now.  I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right.  BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad.  She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died.  Well…it’s kind of hard not to.  We are human and we are here while she is gone.  I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united.  I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago.  I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.

But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost.  My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories.  Is it selfish to cry over that thought?  I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did.  Is it natural to regret?  I am relatively immature with death.  I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me.  I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between.  My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember.  People even said we looked alike.

My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony.  How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life?  I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be.  So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax.  I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances.  If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back.  It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them.  My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad.  She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her.  Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her.  At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins.  Now she is getting to meet them before us.  This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us.  They are now extra protected with her there.  Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love.  At least, that’s what I would like to think.

My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting.  I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will.  I will because I think my Nanny would want that.

{August 29, 2013}   In no mood to write

Normally, writing helps.  I actually had a long post in my head to write about what I’m feeling, but at the moment, I do not feel like writing it.  The last thing I wanted to do was work today… I enjoy my job, but my mind was everyone else BUT on my work.  My heart is breaking right now for my Mom.  If you did not read my post last night, you probably are confused right now.  My Nanny (my Mom’s Mom) passed away yesterday afternoon.  It was pretty unexpected.  I mean, I think we all knew she wouldn’t live for many more years but no one expected her to leave yesterday.  😦

I have cried tears over it, and I am sure I will cry much, much more, but I think right now I just feel sadness for my Mom.  I can’t even imagine what she is feeling right now, because if I ever lost her, I think I would go insane.  Obviously, it’s a fact of life, but she was the only daughter of my Nanny.  She had a brother…but she was the only daughter and he was the only son.  My Mom was extremely close to her Mom as I am to mine.  I wish I could be there for her more right now….I wish I could do more….I just feel lost and down….and in no mood to write about this right now.  😦

Actually, I’m over this waiting game, but I guess I can’t really mean that since I’ll still be trying until I run out of time…..  I have written about this topic before and if you’re already tired of hearing it, by all means, just walk away and ignore this post.  I, unfortunately, can’t be tired of talking about it because it is something that is very real to me.  Everyday, I am faced with reminders and it’s all I can do to not break down in tears or scream at the universe at how unfair I think it’s being to me.  I’m not sorry for this post, because it’s completely real and honest.

You are probably wondering what this post is about.  Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, it’s about NOT being able to get pregnant.  As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with me or my husband, but I have been married for over 4 years and have not started a family yet.  I don’t really care WHO thinks this is fine.  All I care about is that I will be 30 next month and I am ready yesterday to start a family.  While it has only been within the past couple of years that I strongly TRIED to start one, let’s just say that since the day I got married, I stopped trying NOT to get pregnant.  Once I got married, I threw caution to the wind and said, “If it happens, it happens”….I turned 26 two months AFTER I got married so it’s not like I was too young to have a baby. In fact, to some people I was getting pretty old to have my first.  I still was told by people to wait….and I went along with it, while inside, I honestly wanted to scream, “I am NOT 18 years old, I am 26 and if I WANT to start family, I will!”  It didn’t help that most of the people cautioning me to wait had their first child WAY younger than I was at the time.  I just didn’t want to hear it.

But now, I am almost 30 and my biological clock has been ticking overtime for awhile now.  Seeing all these people around me having babies is driving me insane.  It is really hard to be happy for people, especially ones WAY younger than me, that are having babies, when I am not having ANY luck in that area!  When family drops hints about me having kids, I want to punch them.  Sorry, family….but you have no idea how much it bothers me when you mention wanting to have grandkids or “When are you guys going to have a baby?”  The answer: I would like it to have been yesterday, but it hasn’t happened yet…and the more you ask me, the more it upsets me!  I don’t think anyONE but me and my husband know just how long I have been TRYING to have a baby.  😦  Trying…and failing.

I found out recently that my newly married, just turned 20 yr. old niece is pregnant…..I apologize to her if she reads this, but it honestly broke my heart to hear it.  I want to say I am happy for her, but the unbearable sadness to hear that yet another one of my nieces is pregnant BEFORE me hurts…..And I am not sure she would understand my feelings here…..I am not sure anyone who isn’t almost 30 and been trying for years for a baby can really understand what I feel.  I KNOW there are worse situations, people…I KNOW…but it doesn’t change how MY situation makes me feel right NOW in this moment.

I am tired of hearing about people in their early 20’s getting pregnant….I am tired of hearing about stupid celebrities getting pregnant……I am tired of having to be happy for others while acting and pretending that it doesn’t bother me at ALL.  It does…and if you don’t get it, try to put yourself in my shoes.  I have wanted to be a mommy ever since I can remember.  At the same time, I have always known the responsibility that comes along with it, so I KNEW I didn’t want to be a teen Mom.  I also really wanted to be married first.  No hatred to those who weren’t…it’s just something I felt was important.  So I waited even though those around me were getting married at a younger age and starting their families…and I was jealous.  I put on a happy face, but I was jealous that they got to start a family while I was still looking for Mr. Right.  When I finally found my Mr. Right, I was overjoyed.  NOW it was MY turn to have the husband and now I could start my family.  I could be a mommy…the most wonderful blessing in the world.  I could share this overabundance of love within me with a precious baby who I would love more than life itself.  I KNOW I am meant to be a mommy.  I KNOW I will be a great one.  I don’t believe God gave me this much love for babies without planning to give me one of my own.

But, I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of being disappointed every month when I get “my visitor”.  If anyone was wondering why I have been SO severely depressed lately, it’s not just because I got my period….It’s BECAUSE I got my period instead of finding out I was pregnant.  When I get my period, I cry ALL DAY.  I hug my stuffed animals and cry over the fear that all I will have are my dog baby and my stuffed animals for the rest of my life.  I ask for hugs from my husband and tell him I think I will never have a baby.  Everyone else will be having babies and I will never even have one.  Once upon a time, I wanted 10 kids….at this moment, I would thank God for just one.  Just one precious baby, God, and I promise I will be the best Mommy in the world…just one….

Until then, I will look at the cute baby outfits in the store and dream of a day when I can buy them…not for other people’s babies, but for my own.  I will see gossip mags telling of people being pregnant and roll my eyes in frustration.  I will hear news of family members being pregnant and wish beyond anything that I will be the next to share happy news.  I will smile at cute babies and wish I had my own.  I will see pregnant women and sigh, wishing I could be pregnant and vowing that when I do, I will wear pregnant proudly and show off my baby bump with excitement! Bring on the pregnancy pains, bring on the labor pains! I want them all! I will gladly go on bed rest the whole time, if need be! I don’t care…..I just want my dream to come true!

I just bared my soul here, for everyone to see…..this is the MOST honest post I believe I have ever done, but it was something I NEEDED to vent for my sanity.  I just ask for others to put themselves in my shoes before judging me harshly.  Also, please realize that I don’t need, “it could be worse” statements.  I KNOW that, but they do NOT help.

{August 17, 2013}   One Minute Priceless Post

OneMinuteWriterButton21. Read the daily writing prompt.
2. Push “Play” on the timer on the right side of the screen.
3. Spend 60 seconds or less writing a response to the daily prompt.

Today’s Writing Prompt: Priceless (Wednesday the 14th’s prompt)

What’s something wonderful you have in life that can’t be bought, sold, or traded for money?  I don’t think I even need a whole minute to answer this. Family. One word is all it takes here.  Having a family you love and care about is worth more than any money in the world, and when I say family, I am including the great friends in my life who are just like Family to me, as well. 🙂


{August 16, 2013}   A Meme to Pass the Time

I haven’t found a permanent thing to do on Fridays now that 5 Question Friday is no more…so for today, I am just doing a Meme I found online.

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be? In Austin…my hometown.

2.What is your favorite article of clothing? Flip flops

3. Last C.D. you bought? Nightwish- “Imaginarium”

4. Where is your favorite place to be? In a comfortable spot reading 🙂

5. Least favorite place to be? Outside in 100+ degree weather!

6. Are you strongest in mind or body? Mind….my body is weak….not that my Mind is incredibly strong, but I think we are usually stronger than we know

7. What time do you wake up? During the week, I try to be up by 11:30, but I wake up earlier naturally sometimes….on the weekends, I sleep until whenever my body decides to wake up

8. Favorite kitchen appliance? Microwave

9. What instrument would you like to play? Drums

10. Favorite color? Purple

11. Sports car or SUV? Sports Car….maybe…I know SUV’s are gas guzzlers, are sports cars also gas guzzlers?

12. Favorite children’s book? IDK

13. Favorite season? Fall

14. Least favorite chore? Washing dishes

15. Favorite day? Any day that I can just do what I want 🙂

16. Favorite food? Pasta…even though I rarely eat it anymore

17. Favorite drink? Baja Blast….which I have drank maybe 2-3 only within the past year

18. Favorite word? I’m a reader/wannabe writer….I LOVE words, how could I possibly pick just one???

19. Favorite inspirational book? I can’t think of any off the top of my head….

20. Who would you like to play you in the movie of you life? Maybe Kate Winslet, cause she is OR was a more plus size woman and she is gorgeous….or if we are going for a funnier version, Melissa McCarthy 🙂 

{August 8, 2013}   What Not to Wear after 30

In a month and a half, I will be turning 30 (ugh).  Recently, I have been wondering what this means for my wardrobe.  I have seen enough television shows on fashion to know you can’t away with wearing things after 30 that you could wear in your 20’s.  I was wearing a Care Bear shirt that said “Always Grumpy” the other day and I thought, “Can I still wear this after I turn 30?”  I mean, it’s not like some magical switch is going to go off and change me 100% right? So far, I don’t feel much different at 29 then I did at 18….I have to deal with more grown-up stuff and my body feels older, but the person inside me still is the same.  I don’t expect reaching 30, 40, and so on to change me that much either.  So…what if I still like wearing cute character shirts? What if I get into a mood and decide I want to wear pigtails again? Are the Fashion Police going to come after me?  I would also ask if someone will put me on “What Not to Wear”, but they have just started their last season so I THINK I am good on that one!

I went searching online to find out what items I will soon be too old to wear.

I happened upon an old article on Lifescript from 2010 called, “Top 10 items you’re too old to wear“.

Here is the list…let me know if you follow the rules. 🙂

1. Message T-shirts: Retirement age-30…..This is just what I feared! Along with character shirts, I love a good shirt with a message.  While I agree that some messages are better reserved for the younger crowd, I disagree that ALL message shirts should be off limits.  A shirt that says “Your bf thinks I’m hot” IS a little childish, but having a shirt that says, “I love my husband” or “Big girls rule” isn’t…in my opinion and yes, I would love a shirt that says both those two latter things!

2. Too-Trendy Denim-Retirement age-35:  This is talking about low-rise jeans, torn and embellished, etc.  I only have one pair of jeans and they are baggy capri length jeans with graffiti all over them…I guess I can wear them to 35! 🙂 I guess I can see where this argument comes from, but if you were single and wanting to go to the club or something, I don’t see why it would hurt…

3.Costume shoes: Retirement age-mid 40’s…Yea, I didn’t know what they were referring to at first either…This is talking about stripper heels, thigh high boots, etc.  I currently don’t wear any of these because I would break my neck! I can see why people would want to give up these kind of shoes and yea, stripper heels on an older woman kind of looks hookerish, so I agree….BUT there are celebrities 40+ who still have the bodies to pull it off!

4. Micro-mini skirts-Retirement age-40: You won’t catch me wearing this anytime soon anyways! This is another thing where you look like a hooker wearing it when you are older….not to mention women start getting those varicose veins and cellulite(which I already have)

5. Anything showing excessive cleavage-Retirement Age-50:  If I went for this look, I would be able to go with it another 20 years, but I prefer not showing all God gave me.  To each his own, I say! I suppose the cutoff is 50 because by the time, most women’s boobs have headed south of the border!

6.White, Ribbed Cotton Tank Tops-Retirement Age-40: My first instinct here was to say what about polyester and other fabrics? 🙂 But seriously….I never wear white tank tops by themselves anyways….I use them underneath stuff, but never on their own.  Not because of my age, but because it feels see-through to me and I prefer to not show my bra and everything else…I don’t like to see this on anyone past kid age…

7. Hair Gadgets-Retirement Age-30: Apparently this is talking about over the top scrunchies and hair clips…..and kid  barrettes….It says if you use them at all, accessories should be subtle…which mean plain and boring to me….yea, I admit to using scrunchies and hair clips a lot…I have very thick, curly hair and I live in Texas.  It’s hot and I like to put my hair up sometimes.  I don’t intend to stop using hair gadgets when I turn 30, but I also don’t plan on using bright colored hair bows and plastic barrettes either.

8. Oversized, Overly-Decorated Hobo Bags-Retirement Age-50:  I have awhile until I reach 50, but I think it’s safe to say that I will be using whatever purse or bag I choose.  I absolutely find nothing wrong with big so-called Hobo bags….the only purse I think would be silly to say on someone over 50 would be a literal Barbie purse….

9. Cheap, unflattering underwear-Retirement Age-40: No one but my husband and me will see my underwear anyways, so why does it matter? I personally buy my underwear where I can get it for the best price I can get.  I DO think it’s important to be sized correctly for a bra…but that should be done while you’re still young and then frequently thereafter.

10. Loud accessories-Retirement age-35:  I know a LOT of people that break this rule.  It doesn’t really bother me either…I think it’s just all about moderation….for anyone, regardless of the age.

AND then, they threw out one last trend to toss for EVERYONE…and I wholeheartedly agree….Whether you are colored bra straps or not, don’t show them! Undergarments are called UNDER for a reason! It makes me nutso when I see people showing off their bras…and their underwear for that matter! No matter your age, wear a shirt long enough to cover your pants if you bend over, OR wear a belt.  I really do NOT care to know that you are wearing a thong with a heart on it!

SO….that was the list. What do you think of the list? Is there anything you think should be added?? Anything you disagreed with them OR me on? Do you think your fashion should change drastically after 30 or not? I am dying to hear! Seriously…:)

{August 5, 2013}   When losing sucks

Nothing new on the weight loss front, but it sure feels like I lost a load.  Not in pounds, though.  I feel brokenhearted and maybe a little guilty.  Why, you ask? Well, almost 4 years ago, around the holidays, I brought home a free puppy I got from the Walmart parking lot.  I knew I didn’t need a pet, couldn’t really afford one, and using the excuse of my future husband(at the time) allowing me to get her is no excuse.  Once I got her, I loved her so much, but it was obvious to me I wasn’t really ready for her.  People seemed to know this and their annoying pointing it out just made me want to prove them wrong.

It was obvious from Day one that she was MUCH younger than what she was supposed to be.  As she grew, she started biting more than she should and no matter what me or my Mom did, she just didn’t understand that it wasn’t okay to be so rough with people.  She got too big and wild for the house so we moved her outdoors.  When me and my husband moved into our apartment we have now, we had every intention of taking her with us.  We would have to train her to be inside all the time, but we would do it somehow.  Unfortunately, our apartment vetos aggressive breeds, and she was not only half beagle, but half rottweiler…what I lovingly referred to as a rottabee.  So she stayed outside at my parents and my Dad took over the responsibility of taking care of her.  He would always gripe about her barking all the time and having to buy all the dog food, but when he didn’t know you were looking, I saw him talk to her like a baby.  He had said before when I first got her that he didn’t like having dogs because they would die….

Angel had been over at my parents living for almost 4 years.  She barked nonstop when she saw someone, but when surrounding houses in the neighborhood were getting broken into, my parents house never did.  She would chase cats, possums, rats, etc. and if she caught them, she would kill them.  I guess it was the Rottweiler in her surfacing.  Once during Eastertime, she left a dead baby bunny….so sad, but we also made a joke about her killing the Easter bunny.  We would go talk to her when we went over to my parents.  My husband would go love on her and we both called her “Angel butt”…don’t ask me why, it was just a name we started calling her and it stuck.  Not long ago when I was over there, she cracked me out with her chasing of some critter hidden behind various washer/dryers my Dad has outside(he is a hoarder!).  She even jumped on top of them to try to get at her prize.

A couple weeks ago, I thought she was started to look scrawny.  My Mom thought she was just shedding since it was summer.  On Friday, we pulled up outside the house and it bothered me that I didn’t hear Angel barking.  I called her name for a good 5 minutes and nothing.  I feared the worst….Mom called and no answer as well.  My mom asked my Dad about her and he said she hadn’t been eating much lately and he had been trying everything he could to get her to eat and drink.  I went back outside determined to get her to answer me.  I started calling again and the saddest sight appeared.  I apologize for giving you a depressing sight, but I am just relaying what I saw.  She came around the corner and almost tripped as she staggered up to the fence.  Her head was tilted to the left and she never straightened it.  Her left eye appeared bugged out and she started barking…a very weak bark compared to the bark she normally would do.  It broke my heart and I just knew something was very wrong.  Seeing her like that made me want to just start crying.  I told Mom how she was acting, but later when my Mom came out, she had gone back around the house and although, she would answer in weak barks, she never returned to the fence.  I knew she was hurt bad for sure then.

I researched online and the symptoms seemed to match up with a brain tumor.  My Dad called all the vets in town over the weekend, and they all said it sounded like that.  I read about how to help, and my Dad tried to feed her food and water in his hands.  On Saturday, she ate and drank a little that way, but not much.  On Sunday, my Dad stayed home to take care of her, which he never ever does.  She wouldn’t eat or drink anything at all, and she had started dragging her back legs and tail behind her.  She would try to stand up sometimes, but just couldn’t do it.  She was getting worse and we had already decided to take her to the vet and if it was confirmed what we already thought, we would put her to sleep.  It would just be cruel to let her continue to suffer.  So my Dad took her today…they said it actually looked like she had ate antifreeze or poison.  There is no way she could have got into either in our yard, except for if she picked up something from an animal she killed.  The other alternative is that someone threw poison over the fence to silence her barking OR even so they could later burglarize the house.  If someone DID poison her, then I wish for someone to poison them in return.  I don’t understand how someone could do something to an innocent creature. 😦 I wasn’t with her when she was put to sleep, but my Dad was there and held her.  I am glad she wasn’t alone.  My last worry for her is that she would die alone without anyone there.

I feel like I abandoned her after I brought her home by leaving her behind.  I feel guilty now that we have an inside dog because our new dog is getting all this love and attention that Angel didn’t get.  I also feel like she had a sucky life because she also had Parvo as a puppy, which cost a ton of money to cure, but she came through.  I do not regret any of the money I spent then and I do not regret it now, but I feel guilty for not giving her more time and attention.  I just hope that she is in Heaven happy right now.  Like I said yesterday, I really hope there are dogs in Heaven, because she deserves to have a happier life there than she did here.  I love you, Angel, and I’m sorry I wasn’t a better Mommy to you. I hope you are happy and healthy now!

R.I.P. Angel

R.I.P. Angel

{July 16, 2013}   No good at being busy

I think I am finally realizing that being busy is not something I can do for a long time and adequately function.  I know back when I was in college, I was luckily enough to have a mother that understood for me to go to college and make good grades, it was dependent upon me having free time in which to do homework, study, and honestly just to breathe.  She didn’t force me to have a job because she knew by doing so, my grades would suffer.  I had friends that worked crazy hours and took a full course of college and somehow they managed.  I was kind of envious, but I also wondered how they REALLY managed without having a nervous breakdown.  During the year, when I was the busiest was when I felt the most stressed and depressed.  I HAD to make time to be alone in my room and read or just do whatever I felt like doing or everything I did suffered. I can look back at the most difficult times in college when things weren’t going so great and pinpoint the main reasons being based on my life being TOO busy.  I can do it for a short time, but after too long, I start making silly mistakes, I get down and depressed and stop believing in myself, I cry for stupid reasons, and I just feel pulled in all directions.

The other day I sensed this feeling and knew that regardless of what others think, sometimes I HAVE  to be selfish and turn down offers to hang out because I just can’t do everything.  Maybe it’s because I am incredibly introverted or maybe it’s just a side effect of depression, but I know I just can’t do busy like some people can.  And I also can’t do spontaneity as well either.  If I decide to do something on the spur of the moment, fine…but if someone else asks me to drop everything and do something, it’s probably not going to happen.  Being spontaneous stresses me out. I’m a planner, not a risk taker. I suck at taking risks and I hate it as well.  Lately, my life has had less of what I consider “free time” and this past weekend, I felt this immensely.  I cried more than I have cried in a long time, and it was just all based on being depressed over stress.  The stress of having less time to myself, the stress of what I want most in my life not being fulfilled, monetary stress…just stress in general.  This is all stress that is on my mind most of the time, but when my life becomes too busy, I stop being able to handle it.  It’s like I forget….

Blogging daily can cause stress a bit when I feel like I don’t have the time, but honestly, my blog is also a therapy for the stress.  As much as I might not WANT to blog sometimes, doing so is a release for me.  Doing THIS post in particular helps.  It helps me get out what I have kept inside.  It helps me realize that I’m me, I’m not the same as anybody else, and I can’t be and do everything that everyone else does.  I just have to do me with no apology.  If I turn an invite down sometime, understand that it’s not based on the inviter, but simply on needing time to breathe.  For some people, hanging out with other people, going to the store, etc. can be reinvigorating. For me, it sucks all my energy and makes me feel incredibly exhausted.  Maybe I need more ME time to survive, but that’s me.  At the end of the day, I got to be me. 🙂

Yep, you read that right.  Me and my husband have added a 4 or 5 year old Australian Shepherd to our family.  She was found by a friend of a friend by Lake Sam Rayburn, and then fostered for a while by my friend while they find her a permanent home.  There was never a thought on my end of taking her in. Our apartment charges a $300 apt. fee that we truly could not afford, and to be honest, I just have never been interested in the thought of an inside dog unless maybe it was one of those itty bitty ones. Growing up, we had dogs, but they were always outside dogs, and I was kind of timid around them and they made me nervous.  As a teenager, I was once chased by a dog and it scared the crap out of me…figuratively, NOT literally, thank God.  I look at animals, I’ll pet them, I think they’re cute, but I’ve just never considered myself a big animal person.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t like them OR that I would be mean to them.  It’s just not something I am fully used to.  Having said that, I lived with indoor animals for 3 months when I stayed with family and worked in Indiana. I even slept with a dog in the bed, but it was a little one.  It did make me uncomfortable, but I didn’t have much of a choice.

Well, my husband went to our mutual friend’s house for a BBQ that I wasn’t at, met Sammy(the Australian Shepherd), came home and said he bonded with her.  I, of course, felt for him, but I told him, sorry, we can’t afford it, and I thought that was the end of the conversation….Well, it wasn’t.  Our friend and some others conspired together to raise the money for the apartment fee, offered dog food for when we first took her in, and even offered help with the vet visits.  My thoughts? What am I going to do? This is SO not what I want, but it seems it has been taken out of my hands.  Every worry and concern was addressed….My husband let me know she was VERY potty trained.  She will NOT go to the bathroom until you take her no matter how long she has to wait.  😦 Poor thing!  She LOVES people, in fact she is very protective of people.  The day after Chad(my husband) met her, she slept in the spot where he had been and looked for him for days.  She loves children as well and will let them pull her ears, lay on her, etc. without doing a thing.  Wonderful news for someone like me who wants to start a family yesterday.  So I agreed knowing it would take some getting used to on my part.

Yesterday, she came home with us.  I will be honest and admit that I felt awkward. I actually told my husband I felt like she didn’t like me.  When I looked at her, I saw sad eyes and it broke my heart.  I thought maybe she wasn’t so happy about me being apart of her life.  I told my husband straight off the bat, no sleeping in the bed.  She is not a huge dog, but she does weigh about 55 pounds.  I know from sleeping with a dog before that my sleep gets disrupted.  I will wake up constantly and be afraid to move because I don’t want to hurt the dog.  People that sleep with dogs probably are used to this and know how to get over it. Me? I don’t have the experience. So…I said No…but he made the mistake of tapping the bed and letting her jump on it. Then after 5 seconds, he made her get down, but I knew instinctively he had committed a major No-no.  As we were watching TV, her head kept popping up and staring at us.  On the last pop-up she looked right at me…and something gave her the impression I wanted to jump on the bed, I suppose, cause she did and walked right up to me, laid down and stuck her head right in front of my face…then she did the eyes.  I immediately asked her what she thought she was doing and told her she was very sneaky and evil…but evil in the way you tell someone who is giving you puppy eyes to get what they want.  So my husband starts to tell her to get down, but he is completely not saying it firm enough at ALL and she makes the eyes at me….and I feel bad.  So I tell him to leave her alone…and guess who ended up sleeping with us last night?  Yea, apparently Sammy can read “Sucker” written across my forehead.  I made not be the best animal person, but I believe I have a very maternal part of me, and she figured out JUST how to appeal to it. Darn it….now I am calling her “Baby girl” and telling my husband to lower his voice when he talks so he doesn’t scare her. Wow….I might not have a human baby yet, but it looks like I am being taken in by adult dog baby! LOL

I swear I don’t know what happened…..and I actually would appreciate tips on how to get decent sleep while sleeping in the same bed as her….any one want to give me any? 🙂 Thanks!

sammy*Picture is of Sammy wearing my husband’s hat* 🙂

I should say Training, because technically it’s not a job until after the year of training, BUT regardless, I am learning that training or working from home is harder than it looks when you have ANY family…or friends.  My husband seems to not take it as seriously and pick the middle of me listening to dictations to come and talk to me, and then he doesn’t understand why I can’t just take a second to answer a question cause apparently people with office jobs can do that?  Well, I’m not really sure what everyone in every other job does, but as someone who is currently doing training 5 days a week with a certain number of hours to attain in that same period, I can’t listen to dictations, transcribe them, and talk to people at the same time. I just simply can’t. Even if I DID want to take a break right in the middle, I would then have to go over the time I want to, because I would never feel right putting down hours when I wasn’t working the full time, you know?  Sure it’s just training, but the harder I work at it, the better I will be when it becomes a job. And when it becomes a job, it will require things to be done within a set time.  In other words, whether I am working from HOME or working in an office, it is still serious!

But hardly anyone seems to understand this…They think I should be able to just do things when I want to…and it’s annoying.  Now I truly understand how other work from home people feel.  People want to call me during training and wonder why I say, “Can’t talk right now. Call you back.”…It’s as if just because I am at home and sometimes working in pajamas that it makes me available…ugh! OR…they expect me to be somewhere like I can just tell my instructor I got to go do something and she should understand. Well….I don’t want to be considered someone who is unreliable. I want to be thought of as a reliable worker right now during my training so there will be no question of my ability later. Then you have those who want to make plans in the evening and wonder why I can’t give them a set time that I will be there. Well, while I only NEED a certain amount of hours per day, there are days where I may go over for different reasons.  If I am able to and want to end at an earlier time, I can sometimes, but it doesn’t always work that way.  If my instructor gives me “live files” which means files that were recorded recently and need to be returned asap, those have to be my priority regardless of when she gives them to me….which means if she gives them to me near the end of my training time, I will probably be doing training late regardless of what I or anyone else wants.  I shouldn’t have to apologize to people for this.  Hasn’t anyone had a job where they were asked to stay late at times? I mean, HELLO! Whether I am at home or somewhere else, AGAIN, it’s still the same thing! It is still serious, and if I want to be successful, I HAVE to see it that way, and others taking it seriously as well will make it a lot easier.

Working, or training from home should actually be taken even more seriously because I am basically an independent worker. I have no one watching me over my shoulder making sure I do what I’m told.  I am mostly responsible for myself.  How serious I take my training and later my work is completely up to me, and it determines how successful I will be as well.  Not everyone would be capable of self motivating themselves when their boss isn’t there to motivate them.  BUT just because you aren’t in an environment surrounded by coworkers and a boss doesn’t mean that it isn’t a REAL job or that it shouldn’t be taken seriously.  In my case, what I am doing now is something I would like to not only be a job, but also a career.  So please take my training and later, my career, seriously.  🙂

et cetera
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