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{December 12, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Cleaning Edition

I’m in Super Maid Cleaning Mode this week so I need all the laughter and cheer I can get…and why not share it with all of you? This week’s dose of joy is dedicated to Cleaning! 🙂

Signs I need to Own for my Kitchen:

1. Kitchen closed – – this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
3. I’m creative; you can’t expect me to be neat too!<——Exactly!
4. So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service…If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day…. Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

Good Housekeeping Tip:

Always keep several get well cards on the mantel…..

So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you’ve been sick and unable to
clean.

*****

Is  housework and chores keeping you away from the internet?  Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!

1)Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash.

2)Laundry ?  Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week.  For odors……spray with cologne.  If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON’T!  Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes

3)Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house.  Some valuable tips for success: Don’t always call same company, keep a chart and rotate.  If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a thorough job.

4)If it doesn’t come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help.  He’s always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone’s name on the plate or cup so they can use it over n’ over n’ over.

5)Mowing problems solved!  Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they’ll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then you can start with a new bunch in the spring

*****

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

*****

Q: Why don’t men do laundry?

A: Cause the washer and dryer don’t run on remote control!

Sign in a Laundromat over the washers:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

*****

It’s Not the Detergent That Gets You

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my frog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your frog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

*****

And, for a last laugh 🙂

10 Rules Of Housecleaning


1. Don’t vacuum too often— it weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands,” and claim an ecological exemption.3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive.”

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that “THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes.”

9. Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident. I haven’t had the heart to clean it.”

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean, and I still don’t get anywhere.”

Hey, it’s better than actually CLEANING!



{December 5, 2011}   Mirthful Monday-Get Well Edition

Due to this lovely cold I have, I decided to do a Mirthful Monday dedicated to adding humor to the allergy and cold season we are in. Thus, I am naming this the Get Well Edition. May others find some get well humor when they are going through allergies, cold, flu, etc.!

Okay, ladies, which is worse—having a cold, or hearing your husband whine when he has one?

One more sneeze like that and it’ll take the Amazing Kreskin to find my contacts.

*****

The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy. Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

 *****
“My dear doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, because I have been practicing all night.” John Philpot Curran
Did you hear the story about the germ?
Never Mind. I don’t want it spread all over.
*****

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

*****


Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don’t press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

*****

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two and keep away from children.”


An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day keeps everyone away.


Support bacteria.
They’re the only culture some people have.

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
For the Hillbilly

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Barium: What you do when CPR fails

Cesarean Section: A district in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Congenital: Friendly

Dilate: To live long

Fester: Quicker

G.I. Series: Baseball games between teams of soldiers

Hangnail: A coathook

Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane

Minor Operation: Coal digging

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrate: Lower than the day rate

Node: Was aware of

Organic: Musical

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Protein: In favor of young people

Secretion: Hiding anything

Serology: Study of English knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Tumor: An extra pair

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose veins: Veins which are very close together

*****

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.
— Flip Wilson

The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they’ll ease
Your will they’ll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
— Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
— Ellie Katz

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax – tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
— Pearl Williams

I get by with a little help from my friends.
– John Lennon



{November 14, 2011}   Mirthful Monday

There are 10 days left until Thanksgiving and for most people, this is a day where family gets together and spends time together. Whenever you get family together, there are bound to be strong emotions. While an occasional argument may erupt, there are sure to at least be a moment or two of laughter somewhere in the mix. This Mirthful Monday is dedicated to families and the laugh out loud moments they bring!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.  “Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out.   “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”

FAMILY HISTORY

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “Why God sent you, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues. “Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?”

“Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. (Sorry, Mom!)  

 My dad gave me this advice “Son, there are a couple of times in a man’s life
when he does not understand a woman” “What are they” I enquired. “Before
marriage and also after marriage”. 

The average mother takes two whole days to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner but most kids don’t really care. I have taken an informal but exhaustive poll of kids and have come to the conclusion that if Twinkies came with drumsticks, all turkeys would die of old age.  

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
“Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!” said the daughter.
“Did it not taste good?” her mother asked. 
“I don’t know,” the blonde said. “It wouldn’t sit still!”

This is ONE way of getting your family to your home for the holidays:

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. 

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.” 

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.” 

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.” The father agrees, “All right.” 

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?
_______________________________________________________________________
Giving Thanks Day 14: Today, I give thanks for laughter. Laughter is truly the BEST form of medicine there is….with only positive side effects!


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