TheRealSharon's Blog

There are times in your life when you just don’t know the right thing to say or do. Times when you hear devastating news and your body and mind goes into shock first when you think you should be feeling grief. Eventually, days later, the grief comes and overwhelms you and you find yourself constantly thinking about things and wondering if what you did say and do was the best thing. I know this feeling very well at the moment because it’s what I’ve been going through. I’ve been thinking and going back and forth about writing about the situation but it’s just one of those moments that you’re not sure. Is it the right thing for everyone for me to talk about it? Is it insensitive or honoring the loss of two lives?

I have come to the decision to write about how I feel since writing always helps me but I want to write about what has happened recently in my family in a way that will honor those who are affected the most and not hurt them. All I can do is try my best here and hope that my words can only help and not hinder.

I don’t even think I had yet mentioned on my blog about my most recently married niece having twins, but she was to have them in October. Sadly, due to unforeseen circumstances, she went into labor early and they didn’t live long after being delivered. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn’t think she was having any problems and I wasn’t expecting this at all. Then I felt this incredible amount of sadness for her and her husband, but the tears on the inside were locked away behind the shock. I went back and forth in my head, wondering what I should do. Should I call or would that not be the best? I finally went with a short text where I told her I was sorry and I loved her, I was there for her and she could call me if she needed me. But after sending it, I felt an emptiness inside that there should be more for me to do. But I didn’t know what to do. It’s not something you prepare for…..And I kept thinking that if I didn’t know what to say or do, then how bad must she be feeling? I can’t imagine because I haven’t been through that experience firsthand. I have had a best friend lose a child while we were friends but never a niece lose one, much less two. Not to mention losing two great nephews I had never got to see, never got to kiss or hold. If it hurts to lose two great nephews, then the pain of losing two sons has to be unimaginable.

I almost feel useless because I don’t have magic powers to take away the grief and I can’t actually be with them right now to try to give comfort. I lay awake wondering if my niece knows how much I truly do love her and the babies she lost and how much I wish I could be there for her. I hope she really, truly knows that cause the thought of her thinking I might not care breaks my heart in pieces. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since I heard the news that I haven’t had her in my mind and in my prayers and I have asked my closest friends to do the same. I can only hope that my family that IS with her right now is helping her some and that she is able to make it through.

The other day, I lay in my bed and said their names out loud and up towards Heaven. I told them I loved them very much and I can’t wait until I get to see them one day. I told them that I know they are looking after their parents and I blew kisses up to them. I told them they are loved much more than they could ever imagine. I also told them that as sad as I am that I won’t get to see them on Earth, I am glad that when my Nanny and my parents and other family members leave this world, they will get to see them for the first time and give them all their love. I can almost see two beautiful baby boy angels dancing in Heaven with their ancestors and smiling down at us.

To Lydia and Dru, I love you guys so much and I always will. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you will see your babies again one day and I truly believe you are meant to be a mommy, Lydia. I know you will be blessed with many more babies. I just want you to know that I’m only a phone call away.

To Wyatt Lee and Nikolai Lane, my two great nephews who I miss even though I never met you. I love you so much! Rest in peace.

Oh, heartbreaks and your first love. It seems so long ago…and I suppose it really was, now that I consider it. I remember filling notebooks up with his name and little hearts as if it would magically seal us together forever. I remember how every song or every picture would somehow remind me of him in some way or the other. And I remember the heart ache from each time our relationship came apart. The very first time I ever felt heartbreak was on the morning of a day when most girls in a relationship get cards and roses and chocolates. They are all aglow with happiness and feel more in love than ever. I awoke that morning excited to have a boyfriend that I felt I was in love with. Then I was handed the phone by my mom. One of my friends was on the other line, she was at school and I was at the time, doing home school. She called to relay to me the message that my then boyfriend wanted to break up with me. My mind raced through feelings of “This must be a joke” to anger over being told about this by a friend as a mediator. Where was the boy I was in love with in all this? How come HE did not choose to tell me himself?

Apparently, he was in the background and confirmed the break up. I was in tears, heart broken and feeling, at the time, as if I was dying. I felt a pain unlike any physical pain I had ever felt before and was so lost and confused. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong to make him no longer want to be with me. I felt like my world was crumbling around me and like I had nothing anymore. At the moment, I couldn’t fathom how anyone could deal with so much heartbreak. Every song and picture led to more tears and my pillow became my best friend. All I could think about were ways that I could possibly get back with him and make everything alright again.

At some point, we made up and got back together. The first heartbreak wasn’t sewed up and gone, though. It still hurt and it would hurt again in the future. The relationship ended yet again on my 16th birthday when I showed up at the fair only to see him and find out we were not only done, but he had been seeing another girl who was also at the fair. If the quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” could fit into any situation so well….it was at that moment. I wanted to literally strangle her and him both for playing with my heart.

I’m so glad to be done with teenage heartbreak. Me and him were on and off again like that for 2 1/2 years. Time wasted where my heart was all in and he was immature and not worth it. Years later, we would find our ways together yet again at the age of 21. He seemed to be different and my feelings had never changed, but only been hidden away. This time seemed better, it seemed right and I really thought I would marry him. But I was wrong again and the heartbreak came rushing back. You would think that was the end of everything, but of course, not quite. Shortly before my now husband entered my life, this other guy popped back up. There actually WAS a difference in him that time and I do believe he finally loved me, but for once, all the heartbreak had eradicated any real chance with him. Funny how someone can finally come around but when they do…sometimes it’s too late.

Things happen for a reason, I do believe. I have no desire to take revenge on the one who first broke my heart. We were both young back then and he was immature and I truly believe that over time, he came to regret what he did and wish he had done things differently. That, in a way, is revenge in itself. But I don’t want him to suffer, I do hope he finds happiness with someone else and is able to treat her right and not play with her heart like he did mine. I am happy and married to a wonderful man that I feel was brought into my life at the perfect time and I have no regrets that I am not with the other guy. I love who I have now and don’t want any other. I DID want revenge in the past, right after it all happened, but not anymore. I have grown up and grown a little wiser and wish no harm to befall him. Each heartbreak is a lesson learned. I haven’t talked to him in years and I would probably just say a simple hello and no more if I ever did see him. I don’t really have anything else to say. He already knows that I forgave him for the past; I turned HIM down the last time so the last heartbreak was to him. I’m not happy or sad about that. I think I went about it a lot better than he had in the past.

*This was in response to the daily prompt.

Topic #157:

Describe the first person who broke your heart. And if you could take revenge on them now, would you? Did you ever think about it? What would you say to them now if you met them on the street?

If you’re still reading and you’re wondering what the Mascara in the title is about…..I told my husband earlier, “Don’t borrow my mascara!”…to which he raised one eyebrow and gave me a “what the heck are you talking about?” look. I am pretty sure he thought I had literally lost my mind. But I hadn’t….I had just read a funny fortune that said that I was going to get pink eye when someone borrowed my mascara. Since I live with only my husband, I am in utter confusion as to who would possibly borrow my mascara. I don’t think a robber is going to break in and borrow it. For one thing, I need to replace it and get a newer one! They can just steal it…if that’s ALL they want! So….I came to the conclusion that the fortune MUST be pointing fingers at my husband. I never took him for the make-up wearing type but one never knows nowadays, do they? BUT after his confused look he gave me….Guess I don’t have to worry about HIM borrowing it? Hmmm…a case of wrong fortunes or is there a mystery mascara thief/borrower on the loose? 

et cetera
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