TheRealSharon's Blog

{April 4, 2013}   Blogging as Therapy

I’ve taken physical therapy twice in my life. Once for a torn ligament and another after surgery and 3 months rest after breaking my fibula and detaching my deltoid ligament. The first time came from falling down almost a full staircase when no one else was home, the second from falling down about two or three steps out of a trailer and onto the ground. Both happened on the right foot/leg. Those weren’t the only times I fell down stairs, by the way. I fell down the stairs at my old house tons of times and I fell up them a couple, but only once did it end up in something more than bruises and hurt pride. After that second fall, I had to have surgery or a mere trip over something would have caused the break to come back. I still remember after my surgery, laying in the hospital bed, and feeling intense pain all through my foot. It felt like my skin was being stretched, torn, ripped apart and sewn back together inside the cast. Next to me was a Morphine drip with a button I could push for relief. It would only work once every 15 minutes, but it seemed like forever as I was stabbing that button every few seconds. You would think sleep would help, but even when the nurses weren’t in and out and I finally drifting off, I would still awake and jump out on the bed scared to death. Every time I fell asleep, I dreamed of stairs. I dreamed of walking down stairs and falling and as I fell, I would jump awake. My mom was there and she would ask me what was wrong and I told her that I was having nightmares of falling down stairs over and over and then I would awake to the intense shooting pain of it all….over and over again. The nightmares eventually went away but my fear of falling down stairs, ANY stairs, never did.

They gave me physical therapy but there was never any mental or emotional therapy for the trauma. Every time I get scared when I see a bunch of steps with no railings, people look at me like I’m crazy because I will just avoid them or ask for someone’s hand to help. It’s like a mental block when I stand before the steps and realize there’s nothing to hold on to. All of a sudden, my whole body just completely freezes and I start to step, but then back away. My mind says I can’t do it; it tells me I am no longer able to. If steps HAVE a railing, I can walk up them and barely hold on or just keep my hand right above so people don’t GET why I can’t just do it without. Well, it’s just having a railing there…it’s like a reassurance that there’s something there if I NEED it. I can physically walk up or down them if I COULD get my mind to obey but I have to have faith that I lost. What if I start to fall again? Will I be able to catch myself or stop myself? Without something or someone there to help, I risk reliving the pain all over again. I have a fear of falling down stairs. To others, it’s as silly as a fear of clowns, but to those who have THAT fear, it’s for real and no joke.

I started out this post to just tell about how blogging for me as a therapeutic release. Sometimes I just post things that aren’t that hard to talk about, but sometimes I delve in deep and discuss things that are hard for me. My depression, the sexual abuse I went through for three years as a kid, my struggle with my weight, the bullying I went through in school,my fear of falling down stairs, etc. These are all HARD things for me to talk about and honestly, I can’t afford to go talk them all through with a professional. Over time, these things either keep getting held inside where they pull me back into a depressed life of sleeping and eating and never living the house again OR I talk about them and they get a little easier each day. A lot of these topics are very hard for me to talk about out loud. Especially the sexual abuse…when I talk about it, I want to cry. But when I blog about them, it feels cathartic. It feels like I am releasing all the inner demons and throwing them out of my mind and into the universe. Little by little, my blogging becomes a means of therapy for me. Very cheap therapy that I won’t spend the rest of my life paying off!

I know I’m not the only one that blogs as a form of therapy. It’s obvious that I’m not the first to realize how good it is for you to write out your feelings and struggles; People have been doing it forever in diaries, right? The only difference in blogging versus writing is that there’s a wider audience. I think the audience thing has made it take longer for me to expose SOME of my struggles through blogging instead of just writing, but I feel like by talking about and speaking out on the HARD stuff, maybe, just maybe I will be able to reach the hearts of someone else who has been through what I have been through. Maybe by hearing my stories, they will find a kindred spirit in me. Maybe they will start speaking out, too and stop being afraid. Maybe they will realize they’re not alone. If I can help ONE person in this world that has gone or IS going through what I HAVE, I think that would be the best therapy of all. It would be the ultimate reward for spilling my heart out on typed page. 🙂

{February 9, 2013}   Betrayed by your own Body

I try really hard not to do so many negative posts and be more positive but over the past couple weeks, my body has been betraying me. I knew all the years of being overweight would eventually hurt my body and since both my Mom and her Mom have had knee replacements, I knew I had THAT to worry about in my future. At 29 though, I never imagined one of my knees would be trying to escape on me!

It started with standing up from a chair a couple weeks ago and my whole right leg from the knee down feeling stiff and sore. What had I done? The only thing I recently HAD done was walk around for a bit at the grocery store and everything. Since my legs tend to get that way after walking for more than an hour or standing for more than an hour straight, I figured it was just that and it would eventually cease. But then, a couple days later, when all I did was walk into Walmart, my knee popped back. Imagine a Barbie doll with their flexible legs that you can take and bend so that the knee is facing behind you instead of forward. Yea…it felt like that followed by a stabbing pain that made me bend down and grab my knee. All together, it did that about 5 different times that day and I didn’t walk much at all. The feeling and the pain bothered me, but I really hoped it was just a rare occurence. Not so….

It’s been over a week and even when my knee doesn’t try to change direction on me, I feel like my leg is trying to just stop working. I get these needle like stabs behind my knee, above my knee, and all around it at just random times. When I’m sitting, my knee will pop and sting….when I’m sleeping and I move it? Likewise. I really hoped it would go away but so far it hasn’t and other than my weight(which I have been successfully losing), I don’t know what could be the cause of it. As much as I was wishing it would cease on its own, everyday it’s looking more and more like I will have to ask my doctor what’s wrong. It’s scares me to wonder what it could be….

It’s bad enough I have a rod in my right ankle that throbs and aches every time it’s going to rain. Now it seems the rest of my leg is going to betray me as well! UGH!

People can be aggravating! For me, I always seem to realize just HOW much so when I am attempting to make any change in my own life. I’m sure you know the types of people I’m referring to…The Naysayers, The Controllers, The Know-it-Alls,The Tempters,etc. I’m sure I could come up with a long list!

If you’ve read my blog since I started consistently blogging in 2011, you may have noticed I’ve changed quite a bit and I’m STILL changing, hopefully for the better. I’ve had an issue with depression since my late teens(at least that’s when it was diagnosed) and since almost a year ago, I have been implementing changes towards becoming a more positive minded person who doesn’t negative thinking hold me back. I made a little bit of progress at first, but it wasn’t really until I decided to do a lifestyle change that I really felt changed.

I don’t think losing weight in and of itself has helped the depression as much as just eating healthier has. I believe that a lot of what we eat DOES affect your mood and even before I started losing, I could tell that I just felt happier. My biggest issue now is STAYING that way is others, though.

How? Let me explain! First of all, I am NOT on a diet. If you would like to call a different way of eating a diet, you MAY, but I have discovered that telling myself that I am dieting doesn’t work. It’s a mind thing. The word “Diet” just feels temporary which makes the act of losing weight on a diet temporary and then you have this Yo-yo thing where you’re going back and forth and I’m just plain sick of that. So, 6 months ago, I embarked on a plan for a lifestyle change, whereby I would look at food differently for not just a short term, but forever. Yes, my doctor put me on a “diet” plan with rules but I go by his plan as a lifestyle for me, not as a diet. Whether or not you think it’s the same thing is up to you. The only thing that matters to me is how I view things and everyone is different. 6 months in, I consider myself not on a diet, not on a plan, but I like to say the way you eat is now my lifestyle. “Are you on a diet, Sharon?” “No, I just live a healthier lifestyle than I did 6 months ago!”

It works for me….but everyone else doesn’t always understand my way of thinking and they tend to say things that aggravate me. Isn’t that what people do? First, I have the Naysayers. The people who indirectly hint that things will go awry eventually. The ones who want to make sure I know that it IS a diet whether I choose to call it that or not. Thankfully, I don’t have too many of THOSE in my life. People like that I try to get rid of because they’re no good for me.

Controllers…..I definitely have those! Harder to dispose of cause I have some in my family. These are the ones who I hear in the background asking if I’m allowed to eat something on my plate. The ones who ask if certain things are on my “diet”…ugh, THAT word again! Controllers is what I call this type because whether they are directly controlling or not, they still make me second guess everything I’m doing and feel like I have to explain every single bite I eat! I have ate healthier for 6 months and I have lost a total of 65 pounds. I am serious about how I eat now and I don’t need others telling me what or not to eat…unless you’re my doctor, butt out! I have been eating this way long enough now that I know what is good and what is NOT for me, and whether others like it or not, I also refuse to let ANY food be considered BAD food and I have decided to not tell myself that I can’t have any type of food, I just simply ask myself if I really want it or not. Yes, I’m also reading a book that gives this advice, but I think it also makes perfect sense! Whenever you tell yourself that something is completely OFF limits, you crave it more because you think you can’t have it! For example, I have never been a big sweets eater and usually only like chocolate on certain “days” of the month LOL…when I told myself I could ONLY eat it then, I started craving it all the time! What the heck? But since I have allowed myself to eat a little bit of Dark Chocolate if I REALLY want it, I don’t crave it as much. Another little mind trick….So when people ask me, “Can you eat that?” “Yes, I can eat anything I want, but I don’t WANT that because it’s not healthy and not worth it to me!”

The Know-it-alls? I’m pretty much over them…..The ones who have been there, done that and try to tell me how I need to do things for the best outcome and their way is the best. Like I said earlier, everyone is different. I have found a good way that works for me and if your way works for you, fine….Let me do it my way, you do it yours!

Last, but not least, The Tempters! Those evil sneaky people who try to talk you into eating something you don’t really want or need…..~coughs~ My hubby!

I admit I HAVE given in some when he has tempted me, but I refuse to call it cheating….It’s NOT a diet, so I’m not cheating on a healthier lifestyle! I just decided to eat a little something every once in awhile that didn’t really fit my lifestyle…..kind of like when a girly girl who likes to stay home and read decides to go camping for a couple days? I had a taste of another lifestyle. Back when I was younger and DID go camping, what was the outcome? I realized how much I really disliked it and went back to my old lifestyle. Well, after having a bit of a taste of something unhealthy, I tend to feel a mood change, not of guilt, but that this unhealthy food is NOT making me feel as great as the healthy stuff did. So I then decide it’s back to the old lifestyle…which is now the new….

Everybody needs to try other things every once in awhile to remind them of this, right? I KNOW I will always eat a little unhealthy every once in awhile, but THIS time, I feel more assured than ever that I will return to eating healthy because for once, I have changed the way my mind thinks and views food and I’m slowly but surely getting to that place where I learn to use food to make me full in my stomach and NOT to feel happy or to just have something to do. I’m learning to give food the proper place in my life. I’m learning this on my own and I’d kindly appreciate the ones in my life to cheer me on, encourage me, and be by my side instead of putting me down, tempting me, or trying to control me.

Time for my weekly weight loss results!

AND I’m either at the same weight as last week OR I lost 3 more pounds. Why am I so unsure? WELL…my scale has usually been saying I am 3 more pounds than what the doctor’s scale is so on the weeks I am not weighing in THERE, that’s how I figure the weight loss. Last week, the doctor’s scale said the SAME exact thing as my scale, so…I’m at a loss. I’m honestly fine with either results, although 3 more pounds down IS exciting. Even being at the same weight is still better than weight gained, right?

I guess the MAIN reason I am fine with either result is because of my new measurements. Since last month, I am down 7 1/2 more inches! woohoo! After seeing those numbers, I can look at myself in the mirror and seem to see a difference, too! So if you remember how many inches I lost last month, that’s 14 1/2 inches lost TOTAL since about 2 weeks after I started when I began measuring myself. Over a foot total I’ve lost throughout my body! Very exciting and for some reason, that makes me happier than even the 31 pound loss! Is that crazy? I don’t know, but it makes me want to jump up and down right now!

Sorry for my exclamation happy self today. I have 19 more pounds to go and 2 1/2 months before Christmas…Do you think I will make it? I sure will be trying and I hope so! See you all next week for more results and have a nice rest of the day!!!!!!! 🙂

After a HUGE 7 pound drop last week which was a GREAT Birthday gift, this week I am down 1 pound. A small number, but exciting none the less. I’m good with 1 or 2 pound losses when a bigger number could be 2-3 weeks away again, right? I can be a sneaky modern Tortoise who creeps along until the Hare falls asleep and then I fast track myself ahead 100 meters so when he wakes up, he remains cocky and sure of himself, unaware that I am ahead of him. I like that analogy. 🙂

This weekend, I will be doing my 2nd measurements since the starting ones and I am super excited to see how many more inches I have lost. I really think this is key for me because I have trouble visually seeing a change in my own body other than if clothes fit different, you know? In fact, I think anyone who has spent a majority of their life overweight tends to NOT see themselves as skinnier than before UNTIL they gain a lot and look back in time. I remember getting down from 320 to 250 years ago and I felt different, but I still felt humongous. Everyone would tell me I looked so good, but I just couldn’t see it. Fast track to gaining a bunch of weight back and I look back and say, “Wow! I really WAS smaller then!” Funny how our eyes can be blind to see what everyone else sees.

For some reason, the number on the scale doesn’t make me realize this. Maybe it’s because of how much I do weigh. I STILL see a big number so I can’t see that I might be smaller in certain places of my body. BUT when I see the inches I have actually lost, I realize, “Hey! I might not be seeing this, but people ARE telling me the truth cause I can see for myself in numbers that I HAVE lost some inches.”

So, here’s to seeing a lot of inches magically vanished like our car keys every time my husband sets them down somewhere! Next Monday I will let you know the news on that front and the pounds side of things! Until then, if you see Mr. Hare, tell him to just quit right now, because I am winning the race and he is going down! 🙂

{September 17, 2012}   Another week gone and holding…..

Not exactly sure on my weight today honestly due to totally forgetting the day, eating my breakfast and THEN weighing, but I am pretty sure it’s probably the same as last week. 😦

Yea, it’s kind of a bummer but I spent most of my weekend helping out a friend with a garage sale to raise some much needed money to help save her house and I KNOW I got more exercise than I have had in the past few weeks. Due to this constant dizziness, I have cut back on my Zumba and Just Dance workouts. My doctor told me not to do a lot right now, anyways, so it’s safe to say my body is exhausted from the exercise it DID get this weekend. And when I say exercise, I mean what MY own body considers that, but I’m sure a lot of people might not have a problem doing, ya know? I did move boxes and run around a good bit for ME though so it’s possible I gained some muscle, who knows?

I’m proud of myself for sticking with my diet, though. I was offered Kolaches, Hot dogs, Chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, pound cake, AND soda this weekend and I turned it all down. Granted that none of these, except for maybe the kolaches and chocolate chip cookies were that HARD to turn down, but hey, I did and it would have been easy to just say, “A little bit won’t hurt.” And in fact, a little bit might NOT have, but I remember in the past when I told myself this and I gave in. Once I gave in once, it was easier to give in again and again. So I think it’s just better to say no.

So it’s a rainy day today, it’s making me feel tired, my back is killing me when I bend down, I have a sunburned neck and possible hives or sun rash on my arm like I did around this time last year. But I’m just telling you this…not saying it to complain. This past Thursday, Friday and Saturday were amazing. Wasn’t all easy but so worth it. I met some great people, laughed a lot, held back tears a lot and saw more giving and caring people than I have probably seen in my whole life. It truly renews my hope for humankind and the future and I feel so blessed to have got to be there to see it all. My friend will be able to keep her home and I got a blessing myself in seeing people come together and give of themselves to help someone else.

Because of this, I am calm and absolutely happy with the week even IF I saw no loss in weight. I got enough gifts this week without needing the weight loss. 🙂

No good news to tell you here….My scale registered a gain instead of a loss but it’s not because I did anything wrong. It’s because I’m a female and this is NOT the right time for weighing…yea, I’m putting it out there. I am bloated and feeling like crap. 😦 I’m not going to put the negative change on my weight loss charts because I don’t feel it would be beneficial. For now, this week is just NOT a good one and hopefully next week when I’m feeling better and go to my doctor again, I will see GOOD results and I will post them for you.

Later this week, I will be doing my second monthly measurements…..I was planning to do this Wednesday but in light of recent events, it might be more like Friday or Saturday. So next week, I will let you know what my doctor’s scale says AND how much inches I have lost since August 5th when I started taking them! 🙂

Now, as for the slow cooker giveaway I posted last week. I am hoping to announce the winner before this day is over. I sent an e-mail to the woman in charge of it last night, right at midnight and I am just waiting for her response with the winner. So sorry that it’s taking so long. This was my first giveaway I have ever done and I had no idea how everything was going to work out. Just know if you entered and are waiting to hear, I will let you know as soon as I can. Just be patient with me, please! 🙂

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and to ask him some questions and I was faced once again with what I always know will come up: my weight. Even just short term tasks leave me in pain in my muscles and joints and basically, my body is telling me that it’s breaking down on me. That’s what my doctor heard in my words and I believe him. Anybody who is obese and knows it KNOWS their bodies are in bad shape. I’ve known it for years and in the past, I have even took huge steps to change things. If you read my blog last year, you might have even read about how I lost a ton of weight and then was stuck for a long period of time. I KNOW that this is the reason I lost hope and pretty much gave up. I have tried for a long time to find hope again because I know that I can’t possibly change my life if I don’t believe I can.

Today, my doctor told me to start a 1200 calorie a day diet with 3 small meals, NO snacking and only 30 mg of carbs per meal…..It didn’t seem TOO bad until I realized how much carbs are in everything, even drinks!  My doctor has told me to keep a food journal and come in every 2 weeks, for free, for a weigh in and he will look through my food journal and try to help me. Just a short five minute appointment and it’s MY choice whether to do so or not, but the offer is there if I want help. As drastic as it sounded to me, I found myself thinking, “Yea, I think I could try it” and then at lunch, I told my mom, “I’m going to try it, but I just don’t think it will work”. Her response? “That’s a defeatist attitude”. And she would be right….it’s all I have ever had since the time before I got stuck and could no longer lose weight. To be honest with myself, I tend to have a defeatist attitude with a lot of things in my life. I tell myself over and over again that certain good things are never going to happen and let’s face it, I can’t get disappointed if I didn’t believe it in the first place, right?

The problem with a defeatist attitude is you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s one thing to be realistic with myself, but quite another to be self deprecating and doubt myself. I almost think my attitude is some sort of protection from being hurt by failure.

So tomorrow is my anniversary and we have a gift card to Olive Garden that I am going to enjoy, but Friday I am starting this plan. I refuse to call it a diet, I’ve always hated that word and partly because it has the word “die” in it….maybe cause you feel you’re going to die doing it! It’s a new way of eating to live instead of living to eat….those were my doctor’s words. I am going to wholeheartedly try to stick with the plan and see what happens while fighting every day(or every minute) to not have a defeatist attitude. I am not lying when I say this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am committed through my blog to this challenge, yes, I’m going to go for it and call it a challenge….let’s see, Project Healthier Me or something of that sort! When I committed to blogging every day for a year, I was able to do it because I had committed publicly to it. I am sincerely hoping that by committing to eating healthier and really trying to lose weight through my blog, I will have the strength to do this too! I know I have many friends and family that can stick by me and I am soooo going to need the words of encouragement. Anyone who has tried to lose a lot of weight knows how hard it is and also, how lonely you can feel if no one is pushing you. So push me, people! I need help to stay committed!

And now, I am going to do something incredibly hard for me and let my weight be known…..AH! I have skinny friends who wouldn’t dare tell their weight, so this is hard but I really want to just let everything out there and get motivated to do this. As of my doctor’s appointment, I weigh 368 pounds….: ( Yes, I’s bad. Almost 29, 5’5″ and just way too much weight. Putting that number out there may cause me to get some bad comments and even made fun of, but I sincerely hope my loyal readers will back me on wanting to change my life for the better and not just be hung up on the number. There isn’t any bad comment someone can say that isn’t anything I haven’t heard in my life or even thought about myself, believe me. If you can’t handle the truth, then you don’t have to read my blog. I only need people who are going to help me and not hurt me, because there’s already too much negativity in my life.

I will be blogging about my weight loss process at least once a week to keep myself going as well as probably doing other posts because I feel blogging is going to be a great outlet for me during this. I hope you guys will stick around and wish me good luck!

et cetera
Everything Mommyhood

Travel | Family | Deals | Beauty | Food | Life

Worldwide EndoMarch

The Global Endometriosis Uprising

Waiting for Baby Bird Ministries

infertility, miscarriage and pregnancy loss

Worth the trouble

“He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it.” ~from Good Omens

Under Reconstruction

Hope isn't an emotion, but a daily choice.

Thought Catalog

Thought Catalog is a digital youth culture magazine dedicated to your stories and ideas.

The Ideal Me by 24

Smile! You’re at the best site ever

Becoming Cliche

My Journey to Becoming My Mother

My Trousers Rolled

"I grow old...I grow old...I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled..." -- T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock

More Cabaret

Class, Sass, and a Lot of Ass

Book Lovers Buffet

Load Up - You Won't Gain a Pound!


Ideas about English, Drama and ICT in the classroom, as well as some broader musings

readful things blog

The search for meaning, one page at a time

101 Books

Reading my way through Time Magazine's 100 Greatest Novels since 1923 (plus Ulysses)

Body Rebooted

On the road to optimal health!