Due to this lovely cold I have, I decided to do a Mirthful Monday dedicated to adding humor to the allergy and cold season we are in. Thus, I am naming this the Get Well Edition. May others find some get well humor when they are going through allergies, cold, flu, etc.!
Okay, ladies, which is worse—having a cold, or hearing your husband whine when he has one?
One more sneeze like that and it’ll take the Amazing Kreskin to find my contacts.
The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy. Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”
*****
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don’t press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
*****
If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two and keep away from children.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
An onion a day keeps everyone away.
Support bacteria.
They’re the only culture some people have.
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
For the Hillbilly
Artery: The study of fine paintings
Barium: What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section: A district in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Coma: A punctuation mark
Congenital: Friendly
Dilate: To live long
Fester: Quicker
G.I. Series: Baseball games between teams of soldiers
Hangnail: A coathook
Medical Staff: A doctor’s cane
Minor Operation: Coal digging
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate
Node: Was aware of
Organic: Musical
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Protein: In favor of young people
Secretion: Hiding anything
Serology: Study of English knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Tumor: An extra pair
Urine: Opposite of you’re out
Varicose veins: Veins which are very close together
*****
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don’t get sick you’re missing half the fun.
— Flip Wilson
The best six doctors anywhere
And no one can deny it
Are sunshine, water, rest, and air
Exercise and diet.
These six will gladly you attend
If only you are willing
Your mind they’ll ease
Your will they’ll mend
And charge you not a shilling.
— Nursery rhyme quoted by Wayne Fields
Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
— Ellie Katz
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax – tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.
— Pearl Williams
I get by with a little help from my friends.
– John Lennon
