I went to the doctor today for a checkup and to ask him some questions and I was faced once again with what I always know will come up: my weight. Even just short term tasks leave me in pain in my muscles and joints and basically, my body is telling me that it’s breaking down on me. That’s what my doctor heard in my words and I believe him. Anybody who is obese and knows it KNOWS their bodies are in bad shape. I’ve known it for years and in the past, I have even took huge steps to change things. If you read my blog last year, you might have even read about how I lost a ton of weight and then was stuck for a long period of time. I KNOW that this is the reason I lost hope and pretty much gave up. I have tried for a long time to find hope again because I know that I can’t possibly change my life if I don’t believe I can.

Today, my doctor told me to start a 1200 calorie a day diet with 3 small meals, NO snacking and only 30 mg of carbs per meal…..It didn’t seem TOO bad until I realized how much carbs are in everything, even drinks!  My doctor has told me to keep a food journal and come in every 2 weeks, for free, for a weigh in and he will look through my food journal and try to help me. Just a short five minute appointment and it’s MY choice whether to do so or not, but the offer is there if I want help. As drastic as it sounded to me, I found myself thinking, “Yea, I think I could try it” and then at lunch, I told my mom, “I’m going to try it, but I just don’t think it will work”. Her response? “That’s a defeatist attitude”. And she would be right….it’s all I have ever had since the time before I got stuck and could no longer lose weight. To be honest with myself, I tend to have a defeatist attitude with a lot of things in my life. I tell myself over and over again that certain good things are never going to happen and let’s face it, I can’t get disappointed if I didn’t believe it in the first place, right?

The problem with a defeatist attitude is you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s one thing to be realistic with myself, but quite another to be self deprecating and doubt myself. I almost think my attitude is some sort of protection from being hurt by failure.

So tomorrow is my anniversary and we have a gift card to Olive Garden that I am going to enjoy, but Friday I am starting this plan. I refuse to call it a diet, I’ve always hated that word and partly because it has the word “die” in it….maybe cause you feel you’re going to die doing it! It’s a new way of eating to live instead of living to eat….those were my doctor’s words. I am going to wholeheartedly try to stick with the plan and see what happens while fighting every day(or every minute) to not have a defeatist attitude. I am not lying when I say this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am committed through my blog to this challenge, yes, I’m going to go for it and call it a challenge….let’s see, Project Healthier Me or something of that sort! When I committed to blogging every day for a year, I was able to do it because I had committed publicly to it. I am sincerely hoping that by committing to eating healthier and really trying to lose weight through my blog, I will have the strength to do this too! I know I have many friends and family that can stick by me and I am soooo going to need the words of encouragement. Anyone who has tried to lose a lot of weight knows how hard it is and also, how lonely you can feel if no one is pushing you. So push me, people! I need help to stay committed!

And now, I am going to do something incredibly hard for me and let my weight be known…..AH! I have skinny friends who wouldn’t dare tell their weight, so this is hard but I really want to just let everything out there and get motivated to do this. As of my doctor’s appointment, I weigh 368 pounds….: ( Yes, I know..it’s bad. Almost 29, 5’5″ and just way too much weight. Putting that number out there may cause me to get some bad comments and even made fun of, but I sincerely hope my loyal readers will back me on wanting to change my life for the better and not just be hung up on the number. There isn’t any bad comment someone can say that isn’t anything I haven’t heard in my life or even thought about myself, believe me. If you can’t handle the truth, then you don’t have to read my blog. I only need people who are going to help me and not hurt me, because there’s already too much negativity in my life.

I will be blogging about my weight loss process at least once a week to keep myself going as well as probably doing other posts because I feel blogging is going to be a great outlet for me during this. I hope you guys will stick around and wish me good luck!