TheRealSharon's Blog











“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”

These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago.  And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..

Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while.  I will finally meet my great niece for the first time.  Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner.  At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death.  It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now.  I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right.  BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad.  She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died.  Well…it’s kind of hard not to.  We are human and we are here while she is gone.  I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united.  I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago.  I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.

But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost.  My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories.  Is it selfish to cry over that thought?  I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did.  Is it natural to regret?  I am relatively immature with death.  I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me.  I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between.  My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember.  People even said we looked alike.

My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony.  How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life?  I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be.  So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax.  I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances.  If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back.  It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them.  My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad.  She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her.  Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her.  At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins.  Now she is getting to meet them before us.  This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us.  They are now extra protected with her there.  Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love.  At least, that’s what I would like to think.

My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting.  I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will.  I will because I think my Nanny would want that.



{August 29, 2013}   In no mood to write

Normally, writing helps.  I actually had a long post in my head to write about what I’m feeling, but at the moment, I do not feel like writing it.  The last thing I wanted to do was work today… I enjoy my job, but my mind was everyone else BUT on my work.  My heart is breaking right now for my Mom.  If you did not read my post last night, you probably are confused right now.  My Nanny (my Mom’s Mom) passed away yesterday afternoon.  It was pretty unexpected.  I mean, I think we all knew she wouldn’t live for many more years but no one expected her to leave yesterday.  😦

I have cried tears over it, and I am sure I will cry much, much more, but I think right now I just feel sadness for my Mom.  I can’t even imagine what she is feeling right now, because if I ever lost her, I think I would go insane.  Obviously, it’s a fact of life, but she was the only daughter of my Nanny.  She had a brother…but she was the only daughter and he was the only son.  My Mom was extremely close to her Mom as I am to mine.  I wish I could be there for her more right now….I wish I could do more….I just feel lost and down….and in no mood to write about this right now.  😦



There are times in your life when you just don’t know the right thing to say or do. Times when you hear devastating news and your body and mind goes into shock first when you think you should be feeling grief. Eventually, days later, the grief comes and overwhelms you and you find yourself constantly thinking about things and wondering if what you did say and do was the best thing. I know this feeling very well at the moment because it’s what I’ve been going through. I’ve been thinking and going back and forth about writing about the situation but it’s just one of those moments that you’re not sure. Is it the right thing for everyone for me to talk about it? Is it insensitive or honoring the loss of two lives?

I have come to the decision to write about how I feel since writing always helps me but I want to write about what has happened recently in my family in a way that will honor those who are affected the most and not hurt them. All I can do is try my best here and hope that my words can only help and not hinder.

I don’t even think I had yet mentioned on my blog about my most recently married niece having twins, but she was to have them in October. Sadly, due to unforeseen circumstances, she went into labor early and they didn’t live long after being delivered. When I heard the news, I was in shock. I didn’t think she was having any problems and I wasn’t expecting this at all. Then I felt this incredible amount of sadness for her and her husband, but the tears on the inside were locked away behind the shock. I went back and forth in my head, wondering what I should do. Should I call or would that not be the best? I finally went with a short text where I told her I was sorry and I loved her, I was there for her and she could call me if she needed me. But after sending it, I felt an emptiness inside that there should be more for me to do. But I didn’t know what to do. It’s not something you prepare for…..And I kept thinking that if I didn’t know what to say or do, then how bad must she be feeling? I can’t imagine because I haven’t been through that experience firsthand. I have had a best friend lose a child while we were friends but never a niece lose one, much less two. Not to mention losing two great nephews I had never got to see, never got to kiss or hold. If it hurts to lose two great nephews, then the pain of losing two sons has to be unimaginable.

I almost feel useless because I don’t have magic powers to take away the grief and I can’t actually be with them right now to try to give comfort. I lay awake wondering if my niece knows how much I truly do love her and the babies she lost and how much I wish I could be there for her. I hope she really, truly knows that cause the thought of her thinking I might not care breaks my heart in pieces. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by since I heard the news that I haven’t had her in my mind and in my prayers and I have asked my closest friends to do the same. I can only hope that my family that IS with her right now is helping her some and that she is able to make it through.

The other day, I lay in my bed and said their names out loud and up towards Heaven. I told them I loved them very much and I can’t wait until I get to see them one day. I told them that I know they are looking after their parents and I blew kisses up to them. I told them they are loved much more than they could ever imagine. I also told them that as sad as I am that I won’t get to see them on Earth, I am glad that when my Nanny and my parents and other family members leave this world, they will get to see them for the first time and give them all their love. I can almost see two beautiful baby boy angels dancing in Heaven with their ancestors and smiling down at us.

To Lydia and Dru, I love you guys so much and I always will. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you will see your babies again one day and I truly believe you are meant to be a mommy, Lydia. I know you will be blessed with many more babies. I just want you to know that I’m only a phone call away.

To Wyatt Lee and Nikolai Lane, my two great nephews who I miss even though I never met you. I love you so much! Rest in peace.



{February 21, 2011}   Sorrow hits the best of us

This post started out as something else but took a completely different turn…..

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

May Angels comfort and watch over you

I read some sad news today. One of my 2nd or 3rd cousins, I believe, on my dad’s side, lost her newborn baby boy today. : (    I think the last time I saw the girl was probably back when my dad’s mom passed away, so I wasn’t very close to her, but it’s still sad. She’s around my age…maybe a little younger and this is the 3rd son she has had to bury. I feel for her and her immediate family. I really do. It just seems to be more than any one person should have to go through.

I don’t even have kids yet and it seems to be something that would be too hard to bear. I hope this is something I will never have to know the pain of personally. I feel selfish saying that because I am close to a couple of people that DO know this pain. They are some of the most incredible, strongest women I know. One is older than me and the other just a bit younger, but I look up to both of them and admire them dearly for the strength they have shown.

One experienced the pain well before I even knew she existed, the other one it happened to when I was in her life as a best friend. Me and my mom used to watch her baby girl and she loved my mom so much. I think she started to see my mom as a second mom, in fact. I still remember the phone call saying there had been an accident. I remember telling my mom with tears running down my face. I remember being so scared and worried for my best friend. Nothing else mattered at that moment other than her. I know my hair wasn’t brushed. Not sure if my clothes matched; all I cared about was seeing about my friend. My best friend was going to make it but her baby girl was in bad shape. She eventually went to heaven right after her 2nd birthday. She wasn’t even my child and it broke my heart in a million pieces. My heart ached for my friend and it ached for the little girl that I considered an adopted niece. It was so hard going to the funeral. I didn’t want to cry a lot because I didn’t want to upset her worse. I had to try to be strong for her. She was the mother, this was her child, I have no right to be so sad when SHE is going through much, much more than me. So I built up the strength, tried to squash back the tears and I went. Then came time to see my friend and sorrow is a hard thing for me. I struggle with knowing what to say. Giving hugs and saying the right words has always be incredibly hard for me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care and that I don’t genuinely feel for people. It’s just something I struggle with. I had never had to look into a best friend’s eyes and tell her I was sorry for her losing her baby girl. A best friend that was like a little sister I never had, but who would I be if I didn’t say anything? Everyone knew how close we were. What would they think? I HAD to build up the courage and say something. So I did. I gave her a hug and told her I was so sorry and I held back the tears. I wanted to turn away and get out of the building so I could go hide and cry. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. But SHE was the strong one. SHE was the brave one. She looked at me with a smile on her face and said,”Don’t worry, She’s with the angels in heaven now.” Suffice it to say, the tears came. There was a flood gate behind my eyes that wanted to unload right there and turn the room into a river, but I couldn’t let it. So I nodded my head, tried to smile back with the tears starting to flow and slowly walked away. The flood released after I left her side but she didn’t see. When I think back to that time, I still can’t believe how strong she was. I can’t believe to this day, how strong she still is.

And that was one child….my cousin has now lost 3. I just can’t even begin to fathom her pain and I hope to God, that she will be comforted by him and his angels right now. If you’re reading this blog, please pray for that with me.

It’s so curious:  one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.  ~Colette

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.  ~Author Unknown



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