TheRealSharon's Blog

{July 16, 2013}   No good at being busy

I think I am finally realizing that being busy is not something I can do for a long time and adequately function.  I know back when I was in college, I was luckily enough to have a mother that understood for me to go to college and make good grades, it was dependent upon me having free time in which to do homework, study, and honestly just to breathe.  She didn’t force me to have a job because she knew by doing so, my grades would suffer.  I had friends that worked crazy hours and took a full course of college and somehow they managed.  I was kind of envious, but I also wondered how they REALLY managed without having a nervous breakdown.  During the year, when I was the busiest was when I felt the most stressed and depressed.  I HAD to make time to be alone in my room and read or just do whatever I felt like doing or everything I did suffered. I can look back at the most difficult times in college when things weren’t going so great and pinpoint the main reasons being based on my life being TOO busy.  I can do it for a short time, but after too long, I start making silly mistakes, I get down and depressed and stop believing in myself, I cry for stupid reasons, and I just feel pulled in all directions.

The other day I sensed this feeling and knew that regardless of what others think, sometimes I HAVE  to be selfish and turn down offers to hang out because I just can’t do everything.  Maybe it’s because I am incredibly introverted or maybe it’s just a side effect of depression, but I know I just can’t do busy like some people can.  And I also can’t do spontaneity as well either.  If I decide to do something on the spur of the moment, fine…but if someone else asks me to drop everything and do something, it’s probably not going to happen.  Being spontaneous stresses me out. I’m a planner, not a risk taker. I suck at taking risks and I hate it as well.  Lately, my life has had less of what I consider “free time” and this past weekend, I felt this immensely.  I cried more than I have cried in a long time, and it was just all based on being depressed over stress.  The stress of having less time to myself, the stress of what I want most in my life not being fulfilled, monetary stress…just stress in general.  This is all stress that is on my mind most of the time, but when my life becomes too busy, I stop being able to handle it.  It’s like I forget….

Blogging daily can cause stress a bit when I feel like I don’t have the time, but honestly, my blog is also a therapy for the stress.  As much as I might not WANT to blog sometimes, doing so is a release for me.  Doing THIS post in particular helps.  It helps me get out what I have kept inside.  It helps me realize that I’m me, I’m not the same as anybody else, and I can’t be and do everything that everyone else does.  I just have to do me with no apology.  If I turn an invite down sometime, understand that it’s not based on the inviter, but simply on needing time to breathe.  For some people, hanging out with other people, going to the store, etc. can be reinvigorating. For me, it sucks all my energy and makes me feel incredibly exhausted.  Maybe I need more ME time to survive, but that’s me.  At the end of the day, I got to be me. 🙂

Woke up this morning with an extreme case of vertigo and when I say extreme, I mean literally. I gripped the walls tightly as if they were a life line on the way to the bathroom. I felt like I was walking in a funhouse except without the “fun” part involved. Even just sitting and looking around the room, everything was spinning fast like a merry go round. I’m quite surprised this didn’t make me feel really nauseous, in fact. More than anything, it was just scary. My husband had already left to go do car repossessions with a friend for some money so I was all alone. I called him up immediately after making my way back from the bathroom to the bed and told him of my vertigo and he was nice enough to bring me a drink and some food at lunch time so I didn’t have to try to make me something and risk a fall. At 27, I shouldn’t be so fearful of falling but the reality of the matter is, when I fall, I risk the chance of breaking bones or being seriously hurt because of my weight. It’s a scary reality to face but it’s mine and I deal with it as best I can.

Because our computer is in a room across the apartment from the bedroom, I didn’t venture into the room until late, which is why I am now doing my daily blog so late. I would actually have missed a day for the first time if I had to but I finally got the vertigo calmed down enough where I could walk without feeling like I’m surfing on the ocean instead.

So here I am, late at night, doing my blog and something weighs heavily in the back of my mind. It wasn’t that long ago that I mentioned on my blog that I try to be more optimistic so that I don’t seem like a “negative nelly” or whatever that term is. Ever since then, I’ve struggled with that comment I made and wondered why….Why can’t I blog how I truly feel? Why MUST I pretend to be optimistic if I really feel nowhere near that on a particular day? Isn’t my blog called “TheREALSharon” and I made it originally to have a place to be 100% REAL. So why am I trying to put on a smile for people that may come along my blog if behind this smile they see, I’m secretly crying and hiding behind a mask. I never set out to change myself in anyway for people that read my blog so why am I allowing people to make me change myself? Not that anyone is actively forcing me to but almost like I want to BE the person that others want to read about instead of the person I really am.

Every single post I have done IS me, none of them have been fake. BUT some of my posts have omitted my feelings at the time so as not to make people feel like I am always pessimistic OR have a “woe is me” mentality.

What does it matter, though? Originally, the only people reading my blog were people in my real life that KNEW me so I didn’t have to pretend that I was UP if I was really DOWN that day. So WHY am I changing anything now that there are new people reading my blog?

Obviously, that little girl years ago that tried so hard to fit in but yet never seemed to be cool enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough….obviously she still lurks underneath and still wants to BE what everyone else wants. Well…..that’s not fair to pretend I’m something I’m not. Not fair to others and most of all, not fair to me. We all deserve to be ourselves, whoever WE are without trying to fit a one size fits all mold.

This post is to say to ALL my readers that I intend to let out the good and the BAD and if you don’t like my good AND my bad reality, then that’s OK. Maybe I won’t be as popular of a blogger as the people that are optimistic all the time but that’s fine. At the end of the day, I just want to be true to me. All of me, the positive AND the negative. Because that’s REAL.

That’s the REAL Sharon.

Today’s Daily Prompt reminded me of “Seriously Funny Kids”, which is a TV show on Lifetime sort of reminiscent of Bill Cosby’s old “Kids say the Darnedest Things”. On the show, they have this section of the show called, ‘What is IT and what is IT for?” where they have an older item that kids are unfamiliar with and ask them what it is and what it’s for. I find it very amusing and hilarious the ideas the kids come up with to describe such things as an abacus or a floppy disk.

Well…today Word Press got the idea to ask everyone what their blogs were for. I must say that hearing, or rather reading, this question made me feel like a little kid on “Seriously Funny Kids”. To answer this question is very puzzling and difficult for me. At first, I was standoffish when I read it and wanted to plead the fifth. But then, I decided I WILL answer your question, Word Press! I’m afraid my answer will NOT be particularly politically correct and there may be a lot of boos and naysayers, but I will give you my answer. And as my mom was always fond of saying, “You can like it or lump it!”

Side note here: What exactly does it mean to lump it? Somehow I always felt as a child that this saying was akin to saying “Because I said so!” Do you REALLY have an option here? Since I STILL don’t understand what lumping it means (must be a word though since spell checker isn’t popping up!), I guess my only other option still is to LIKE it….~sighs~

Now back to the q/a! What is my blog for????

It’s for everyone and at the same time, no one at all in particular. It’s called The Real Sharon because it’s a place where I am 100% real. It’s a place where I unload my burdens on to a virtual paper, a place where I spill my heart out for those who care to see, a place where I share my life with others. It’s a place to connect with other human beings that maybe have a lot in common with me or maybe have very little or nothing at all. But I’m here sharing my life with others like a wide open book….this may mean stories of marriage, stories of day to day boring life, sharing my philosophy and outlook on things with others, or just sharing laughs.

How could I possibly make my blog focused on just one aspect of ME when I am so much more? I could have done my blog on just marriage or being a newlywed, being in my 20’s, a procrastinator, a plus size woman…there are so many things I could have chosen. To pick just one thing to blog about day after day seems rather tedious and dull, though. I don’t like to be stuck having to write about the same thing all the time. Isn’t blogging supposed to give you a sort of freedom? And what freedom can be found by not being able to ever go outside the box that you originally created for yourself?

We, as humans, are constantly evolving, constantly changing. I am not the same ME I was 3 years ago and I don’t expect to be the same 3 years from now. Does it make sense to make a blog and then constantly delete and remake one because your focus of what you want to write has changed along with yourself? To me, this makes as much sense as driving blind. I don’t know where I will be in the future so I choose not to focus my blog on any one particular thing. Instead my focus is on MY life in general. My life right now along with what made me ME in the first place. And in the future, it will still be focused on wherever my life has taken me at that point.

My blog is to entertain, inspire, make you laugh, make you cry, it’s everything rolled up into one because that’s what I am. That’s what I believe we all are. And I try to do my blog as if I am talking to you in person almost, sort of a conversationalist take on things. I admire people who are very descriptive in their blogs and wish I was better at that, but I believe I am better suited for a “diary” format. Some of my favorite books are ones where I feel like the character is speaking to me directly; like I am inside their head or sneaking a peak into their diary. Not sure if that’s why I feel better suited to writing in this same way or vice versa, but it might also have to do with my strong urge to be heard that I talked about yesterday.

So I hope you like my personal diary, conversationalist journey of a blog I have and if you don’t, that’s OK, too!

(I looked up the definition of lump in terms of “lumping it”….I believe I was right….it seems to basically be “Like it or deal with it!” Now I know for sure I never had an option!

et cetera
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