TheRealSharon's Blog

{May 26, 2014}   I’m an Anxious Mess

This is my first post in over 8 months.  Throughout those 8 months, I have wanted to return to my blog so bad but something always stops me.   Even typing this out right now, I am full of anxiety and fighting to continue.  I’ve known that I suffer from depression since I was a teen.  I’ve known that I suffer from anxiety for about a couple of months now.  Clinically diagnosed?  Not yet.  But I know that I do.

There are many reasons that I have strayed from blogging.  Anxiety is a big catalyst behind it.  When I was last blogging, I was going through a weight loss journey and conquering it but also at the edges of slipping off the ledge.  After my Nanny died,  I was sad, and I gave in to whatever took my mind off that.  In other words, I stopped counting calories and carbs.  At first, I stuck with just drinking water and had a soda here and there and ate smaller portions but didn’t care what kind of food….then 1 or 2 sodas a day…you can probably see where this is going.  I lost my weight loss battle….I gained a lot of the weight I lost back….and with that weight gained, it was easier and easier to stay away from my blog.  I had so many people that were so proud of me for losing the weight.  I promised myself and so many others it would last this time.  Blogging again as the truthful me would expose that I failed…that I am a big failure.  😦

A couple of months ago, I was doing my transcriptioning and working from home, and I found myself having trouble breathing.  One moment I was calm and concentrating, the next moment I felt like there was a lion in the room chasing me….my heart was racing, my hands were shaking, my thoughts were racing, I was having trouble breathing, I felt “panicky”, and I posted on FB that I could use a Xanax.  It was probably taken as a joke, but it was not a joke.  I felt incredibly out of control and like I was going to die.  But I was just sitting and doing my work…there was nothing specifically that targeted it.  Everyday, it was happening, though.  I looked up anxiety and asked others about it, and I realized I was struggling with anxiety.  I looked up over-the-counter remedies for anxiety.  I was told to talk to my doctor.  The only problem was that just made me more anxious.  Talk to my doctor?  The last time I went to the doctor I was a lot skinnier.  He was so proud of me.  If I see him, he will be disappointed.  What if he gives up on me like my last doctor seemed to?  I just can’t bear the thought.  Talking to my doctor about my anxiety was causing my anxiety to be worse.  I looked for store remedies and was told I would have to consult a doctor because of my hypothyroidism.  Taking stuff without a doctor’s okay could work against me.  So I decided I would have to deal somehow, but I still procrastinated.  Somehow in my head I reasoned maybe I could pull off a miracle and change myself…lose a lot before I worked on fixing it.. Just deal…

In the meantime, I saw a friend was using this stuff called “Plexus Slim” and it seemed to be working, so I decided I would try a 3 day sample.  On the first day, I felt so calm all day and so able to concentrate.  The 2nd day, I spilled my glass of Plexus, so I took the 3rd and last day.  Again, it had the calming effect, and I took a leap of faith and ordered the month supply because I didn’t want to return to that feeling of anxiety and those awful panic attacks.  The few days without it while I waited for the 30-day supply were so hard.  I was back to that anxious mess, and I did not like it one bit.  Even if the Plexus never worked for weight loss, if it would just continue to get rid of my anxiety, I needed it.  It became a drug to survive.  An all-natural drug, but a drug in itself.

I  was able to function, all of a sudden, in stressful situations without freaking out like I normally do and thinking about every possible “bad” thing that could happen.  Not just normal bad things, but crazy things that were far from the realm of possibility.  Now that I was calmer, I read more about anxiety and learned this is what anxiety is all about.   Wait a minute….I’ve been like that practically all my life.  I have come to realize that things I always assumed were JUST my depression were symptoms of anxiety.  My Depression has been hiding my anxiety from me.  The only reason I finally realized it was when the panic attacks starting becoming strong enough to scare me.  What to know what my anxious mind is like?  This is my mind the last time I went to the movies because I didn’t take my Plexus until late…I drive to the mall.  Park in a handicapped parking space for my Mom.  I get out of the car and wonder what everyone around me is thinking of me.  I wonder if they are judging me for parking in a handicapped spot even though it was for my Mom.  I cross the parking lot and imagine the person stopping so I can cross keeps going and runs over me instead.  I imagine myself tripping and falling and flashing everyone because I have a dress on and being totally humiliated then I wonder how I will get up off the hard concrete because it’s hard for me to get up when I fall.  I walk into the mall and see people looking my way, and in my mind, they ALL are staring at me, judging me.  Every step I take, I imagine myself stumbling and falling.  I pay for my ticket and imagine my card not going through even though I know I can afford them.  I order the popcorn and wonder if people are thinking that I shouldn’t eat that.  Again, I walk and worry of falling.  I thrill when I walk into an empty theater and can walk to whichever seat I choose without eyes on me.  I don’t have my usual fear of not fitting in the seat because the mall movies have lifting arms.  I sit down with one arm down to hold my drink and a million thoughts race through my head.  People begin to enter the theater, and my anxiety builds.  Now every move I make will feel as if it is being watched and judged.  If I take a bite of food, someone is going to be thinking I am a fat pig.

I will stop there but this is pretty much what my mind is like on a constant basis.  Plexus dulls it a bit so it’s not at the forefront, but it is still there regardless unfortunately, just more bearable.  The other day my doctor’s office called for my annual blood work, which meant I have to go in for an office visit.  Tomorrow morning, for that matter.  And since I don’t like to eat or drink anything before I weigh, I will be going there with nothing for my anxiety.  I am a mess right now and more worried about what my doctor is going to say then I actually am about what I should care about.  Do I care that I have gained weight back? heck yes, I do….I hate it.  It just feeds this circle of anxiety and depression.  I get depressed then I get anxious about everything which makes me depressed about the anxiety.  I know I need to take the opportunity to tell him about the anxiety but will I have the strength to?  I just feel like I have let everyone down.  I should care more that I have let myself down but honestly, my anxiety makes me care more that I have let others down.  And perfectly normal people just don’t get it.  They say to just not care….well, okay, that’s easy for you to say, but you’re not me.  You don’t know what this feels like.  You don’t know how miserable it is inside me.  My brain is my enemy.  😦

And I am tired of it…I wish there was a magic cure.

Now you know where I’ve been….if there’s anyone still around to even read this.  I think I lost a lot of followers after 8 months incommunicado.  If you’re still there, I am sorry I let you down.  I wanted to be like the other girls who start weight loss pages and blogs.  I wanted to be an inspiration, not a failure.

I miss my blog, though, and if there’s anyone still around who still wants to hear from me, I plan to return to blogging again.  Not everyday, but I want to get back into it.  There are too many thoughts inside my head that have been held in too long that I desperately need to let out.

et cetera
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