“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”
These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago. And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..
Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while. I will finally meet my great niece for the first time. Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner. At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death. It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now. I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right. BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad. She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died. Well…it’s kind of hard not to. We are human and we are here while she is gone. I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united. I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago. I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.
But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost. My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories. Is it selfish to cry over that thought? I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did. Is it natural to regret? I am relatively immature with death. I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me. I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between. My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember. People even said we looked alike.
My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony. How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life? I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be. So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax. I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances. If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back. It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them. My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad. She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her. Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her. At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins. Now she is getting to meet them before us. This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us. They are now extra protected with her there. Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love. At least, that’s what I would like to think.
My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting. I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will. I will because I think my Nanny would want that.