Actually, I’m over this waiting game, but I guess I can’t really mean that since I’ll still be trying until I run out of time….. I have written about this topic before and if you’re already tired of hearing it, by all means, just walk away and ignore this post. I, unfortunately, can’t be tired of talking about it because it is something that is very real to me. Everyday, I am faced with reminders and it’s all I can do to not break down in tears or scream at the universe at how unfair I think it’s being to me. I’m not sorry for this post, because it’s completely real and honest.
You are probably wondering what this post is about. Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, it’s about NOT being able to get pregnant. As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with me or my husband, but I have been married for over 4 years and have not started a family yet. I don’t really care WHO thinks this is fine. All I care about is that I will be 30 next month and I am ready yesterday to start a family. While it has only been within the past couple of years that I strongly TRIED to start one, let’s just say that since the day I got married, I stopped trying NOT to get pregnant. Once I got married, I threw caution to the wind and said, “If it happens, it happens”….I turned 26 two months AFTER I got married so it’s not like I was too young to have a baby. In fact, to some people I was getting pretty old to have my first. I still was told by people to wait….and I went along with it, while inside, I honestly wanted to scream, “I am NOT 18 years old, I am 26 and if I WANT to start family, I will!” It didn’t help that most of the people cautioning me to wait had their first child WAY younger than I was at the time. I just didn’t want to hear it.
But now, I am almost 30 and my biological clock has been ticking overtime for awhile now. Seeing all these people around me having babies is driving me insane. It is really hard to be happy for people, especially ones WAY younger than me, that are having babies, when I am not having ANY luck in that area! When family drops hints about me having kids, I want to punch them. Sorry, family….but you have no idea how much it bothers me when you mention wanting to have grandkids or “When are you guys going to have a baby?” The answer: I would like it to have been yesterday, but it hasn’t happened yet…and the more you ask me, the more it upsets me! I don’t think anyONE but me and my husband know just how long I have been TRYING to have a baby. 😦 Trying…and failing.
I found out recently that my newly married, just turned 20 yr. old niece is pregnant…..I apologize to her if she reads this, but it honestly broke my heart to hear it. I want to say I am happy for her, but the unbearable sadness to hear that yet another one of my nieces is pregnant BEFORE me hurts…..And I am not sure she would understand my feelings here…..I am not sure anyone who isn’t almost 30 and been trying for years for a baby can really understand what I feel. I KNOW there are worse situations, people…I KNOW…but it doesn’t change how MY situation makes me feel right NOW in this moment.
I am tired of hearing about people in their early 20’s getting pregnant….I am tired of hearing about stupid celebrities getting pregnant……I am tired of having to be happy for others while acting and pretending that it doesn’t bother me at ALL. It does…and if you don’t get it, try to put yourself in my shoes. I have wanted to be a mommy ever since I can remember. At the same time, I have always known the responsibility that comes along with it, so I KNEW I didn’t want to be a teen Mom. I also really wanted to be married first. No hatred to those who weren’t…it’s just something I felt was important. So I waited even though those around me were getting married at a younger age and starting their families…and I was jealous. I put on a happy face, but I was jealous that they got to start a family while I was still looking for Mr. Right. When I finally found my Mr. Right, I was overjoyed. NOW it was MY turn to have the husband and now I could start my family. I could be a mommy…the most wonderful blessing in the world. I could share this overabundance of love within me with a precious baby who I would love more than life itself. I KNOW I am meant to be a mommy. I KNOW I will be a great one. I don’t believe God gave me this much love for babies without planning to give me one of my own.
But, I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of being disappointed every month when I get “my visitor”. If anyone was wondering why I have been SO severely depressed lately, it’s not just because I got my period….It’s BECAUSE I got my period instead of finding out I was pregnant. When I get my period, I cry ALL DAY. I hug my stuffed animals and cry over the fear that all I will have are my dog baby and my stuffed animals for the rest of my life. I ask for hugs from my husband and tell him I think I will never have a baby. Everyone else will be having babies and I will never even have one. Once upon a time, I wanted 10 kids….at this moment, I would thank God for just one. Just one precious baby, God, and I promise I will be the best Mommy in the world…just one….
Until then, I will look at the cute baby outfits in the store and dream of a day when I can buy them…not for other people’s babies, but for my own. I will see gossip mags telling of people being pregnant and roll my eyes in frustration. I will hear news of family members being pregnant and wish beyond anything that I will be the next to share happy news. I will smile at cute babies and wish I had my own. I will see pregnant women and sigh, wishing I could be pregnant and vowing that when I do, I will wear pregnant proudly and show off my baby bump with excitement! Bring on the pregnancy pains, bring on the labor pains! I want them all! I will gladly go on bed rest the whole time, if need be! I don’t care…..I just want my dream to come true!
I just bared my soul here, for everyone to see…..this is the MOST honest post I believe I have ever done, but it was something I NEEDED to vent for my sanity. I just ask for others to put themselves in my shoes before judging me harshly. Also, please realize that I don’t need, “it could be worse” statements. I KNOW that, but they do NOT help.