TheRealSharon's Blog

{August 31, 2013}   Yet another six word Saturday

It’s hard to always stay strong

“Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money, then you die”

These are lyrics to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve…a song that was popular well over a decade ago.  And it pops up in my head right now and fits so well…..

Tomorrow, I will see family members that I have not seen in a while.  I will finally meet my great niece for the first time.  Originally, I was not going to meet her until Christmas, but now I am getting to see her sooner.  At the same time, it’s hard to be too excited about it because the only reason I am getting to see them is cause of death.  It’s such a bittersweet feeling I am in right now.  I find myself angry at myself for smiling or laughing because it just doesn’t seem right.  BUT….at the same time, my Nanny wouldn’t want us to be sad.  She even had a poem picked out about not crying for her after she died.  Well…it’s kind of hard not to.  We are human and we are here while she is gone.  I believe I will see her again one day, but for now, we grieve lost loved ones because we are going to miss them until the time we are re-united.  I am sure my Nanny missed her husband who died almost 2 decades ago.  I am also sure she is with him now and they had a wondrous meeting in Heaven.

But, I’m human and I will grieve for what I have lost.  My future children will never know their great grandma except in stories.  Is it selfish to cry over that thought?  I know I should be grateful of the time I had her in my life, but now, I only look back and wish I had spent more than I did.  Is it natural to regret?  I am relatively immature with death.  I have had people I know die, but honestly, my Nanny is the first family member that has died that has really impacted me.  I lost my other 3 grandparents before I hit my teens, and the memories of them are very few and far between.  My Nanny has been the only grandparent I have had for as far back as I can remember.  People even said we looked alike.

My Mom told me the preacher who will be preaching at the funeral wanted each one of us to think of something we remember doing with my Nanny, so he could use it at the ceremony.  How can I possibly remember ONE thing to encompass her whole life?  I don’t see how any one could do justice at honoring her the way I think she should be.  So now I am here racking my brains…looking ahead to this Labor Day weekend, which is a holiday for so many and a time to relax.  I will be with family, but it will be under the worst of circumstances.  If I had to choose whether to see family members for a couple of days this weekend or have my Nanny back, I would just rather have her back.  It’s so hard to feel excited over seeing family but then feel guilty over the reasons WHY you are getting to see them.  My Nanny wanted to meet her new great-great-granddaughter SO bad.  She was SO excited for Christmas when she would get to see her.  Now, she will only be looking down from Heaven at her.  At the same time, neither her or any of us ever got to meet the twins.  Now she is getting to meet them before us.  This makes me feel better knowing she is with two of her great-great-grandsons in Heaven, playing with them, and giving them kisses for all of us.  They are now extra protected with her there.  Maybe God knew the twins needed a grandma’s love.  At least, that’s what I would like to think.

My weekend posts may be pretty short and not too interesting.  I’m going to have a lot of other things on my mind and it’s going to be hard to even find time to post, but I will.  I will because I think my Nanny would want that.

{August 29, 2013}   In no mood to write

Normally, writing helps.  I actually had a long post in my head to write about what I’m feeling, but at the moment, I do not feel like writing it.  The last thing I wanted to do was work today… I enjoy my job, but my mind was everyone else BUT on my work.  My heart is breaking right now for my Mom.  If you did not read my post last night, you probably are confused right now.  My Nanny (my Mom’s Mom) passed away yesterday afternoon.  It was pretty unexpected.  I mean, I think we all knew she wouldn’t live for many more years but no one expected her to leave yesterday.  😦

I have cried tears over it, and I am sure I will cry much, much more, but I think right now I just feel sadness for my Mom.  I can’t even imagine what she is feeling right now, because if I ever lost her, I think I would go insane.  Obviously, it’s a fact of life, but she was the only daughter of my Nanny.  She had a brother…but she was the only daughter and he was the only son.  My Mom was extremely close to her Mom as I am to mine.  I wish I could be there for her more right now….I wish I could do more….I just feel lost and down….and in no mood to write about this right now.  😦

To play along, just answer the following three (3) questions… • What are you currently reading? • What did you recently finish reading? • What do you think you’ll read next?

Last Wednesday, there was a birthday…this Wednesday, there was a death.  R.I.P. to my Nanny.  I love you so much, and I already miss you!

What are you currently reading? “Confessions of a sociopath:  A life hidden in plain sight” by M.E. Thomas

What did you recently finish reading?  “First Among Sequels”(Book 5 of the Thursday Next Series)

“Self inflicted wounds: Heartwarming tales of Epic Humiliation” by Aisha Tyler

What do you think you’ll read next?  “All our Thursdays are missing” (Book 6 of the Thursday Next Series)



{August 27, 2013}   One Minute Post Positive

OneMinuteWriterButton21. Read the daily writing prompt.
2. Push “Play” on the timer on the right side of the screen.
3. Spend 60 seconds or less writing a response to the daily prompt.

Today’s Writing Prompt: Good and Bad

Posted: 27 Aug 2013 03:00 AM PDT

Do you think people are basically good, or basically bad?   Good.  I think we are all born good and innocent and different things in life can cause us to go one way or the other.  I’m not really sure I believe strongly in either nature OR nurture because I think in both situations, people can still come out good or bad regardless of how they were brought up or exposed to.  I think there’s a lot to be said for the ways our individual brains work.  I’m not very good at putting together things scientifically, but I think some people just have certain chemicals in their brains that may or may not predispose them to become inherently evil rather than good….


{August 26, 2013}   Is no news good news?

I sure hope so!  I have absolutely no idea what my weight is today.  This morning, when I stepped on the scale, it did not move from zero.  Even if it was humanly possible to weigh exactly 0, I would never want to.  My guess is that my scale needs a change of batteries, but I did not have any around the house.  I DID pick up some later, but I don’t like weighing myself in the middle of the day.  So….my weight post has no NEW news today.  Until next week, who knows if that’s good or bad? 🙂

Actually, I’m over this waiting game, but I guess I can’t really mean that since I’ll still be trying until I run out of time…..  I have written about this topic before and if you’re already tired of hearing it, by all means, just walk away and ignore this post.  I, unfortunately, can’t be tired of talking about it because it is something that is very real to me.  Everyday, I am faced with reminders and it’s all I can do to not break down in tears or scream at the universe at how unfair I think it’s being to me.  I’m not sorry for this post, because it’s completely real and honest.

You are probably wondering what this post is about.  Well, if you haven’t already figured it out, it’s about NOT being able to get pregnant.  As far as I know, there is nothing wrong with me or my husband, but I have been married for over 4 years and have not started a family yet.  I don’t really care WHO thinks this is fine.  All I care about is that I will be 30 next month and I am ready yesterday to start a family.  While it has only been within the past couple of years that I strongly TRIED to start one, let’s just say that since the day I got married, I stopped trying NOT to get pregnant.  Once I got married, I threw caution to the wind and said, “If it happens, it happens”….I turned 26 two months AFTER I got married so it’s not like I was too young to have a baby. In fact, to some people I was getting pretty old to have my first.  I still was told by people to wait….and I went along with it, while inside, I honestly wanted to scream, “I am NOT 18 years old, I am 26 and if I WANT to start family, I will!”  It didn’t help that most of the people cautioning me to wait had their first child WAY younger than I was at the time.  I just didn’t want to hear it.

But now, I am almost 30 and my biological clock has been ticking overtime for awhile now.  Seeing all these people around me having babies is driving me insane.  It is really hard to be happy for people, especially ones WAY younger than me, that are having babies, when I am not having ANY luck in that area!  When family drops hints about me having kids, I want to punch them.  Sorry, family….but you have no idea how much it bothers me when you mention wanting to have grandkids or “When are you guys going to have a baby?”  The answer: I would like it to have been yesterday, but it hasn’t happened yet…and the more you ask me, the more it upsets me!  I don’t think anyONE but me and my husband know just how long I have been TRYING to have a baby.  😦  Trying…and failing.

I found out recently that my newly married, just turned 20 yr. old niece is pregnant…..I apologize to her if she reads this, but it honestly broke my heart to hear it.  I want to say I am happy for her, but the unbearable sadness to hear that yet another one of my nieces is pregnant BEFORE me hurts…..And I am not sure she would understand my feelings here…..I am not sure anyone who isn’t almost 30 and been trying for years for a baby can really understand what I feel.  I KNOW there are worse situations, people…I KNOW…but it doesn’t change how MY situation makes me feel right NOW in this moment.

I am tired of hearing about people in their early 20’s getting pregnant….I am tired of hearing about stupid celebrities getting pregnant……I am tired of having to be happy for others while acting and pretending that it doesn’t bother me at ALL.  It does…and if you don’t get it, try to put yourself in my shoes.  I have wanted to be a mommy ever since I can remember.  At the same time, I have always known the responsibility that comes along with it, so I KNEW I didn’t want to be a teen Mom.  I also really wanted to be married first.  No hatred to those who weren’t…it’s just something I felt was important.  So I waited even though those around me were getting married at a younger age and starting their families…and I was jealous.  I put on a happy face, but I was jealous that they got to start a family while I was still looking for Mr. Right.  When I finally found my Mr. Right, I was overjoyed.  NOW it was MY turn to have the husband and now I could start my family.  I could be a mommy…the most wonderful blessing in the world.  I could share this overabundance of love within me with a precious baby who I would love more than life itself.  I KNOW I am meant to be a mommy.  I KNOW I will be a great one.  I don’t believe God gave me this much love for babies without planning to give me one of my own.

But, I’m tired of waiting.  I’m tired of being disappointed every month when I get “my visitor”.  If anyone was wondering why I have been SO severely depressed lately, it’s not just because I got my period….It’s BECAUSE I got my period instead of finding out I was pregnant.  When I get my period, I cry ALL DAY.  I hug my stuffed animals and cry over the fear that all I will have are my dog baby and my stuffed animals for the rest of my life.  I ask for hugs from my husband and tell him I think I will never have a baby.  Everyone else will be having babies and I will never even have one.  Once upon a time, I wanted 10 kids….at this moment, I would thank God for just one.  Just one precious baby, God, and I promise I will be the best Mommy in the world…just one….

Until then, I will look at the cute baby outfits in the store and dream of a day when I can buy them…not for other people’s babies, but for my own.  I will see gossip mags telling of people being pregnant and roll my eyes in frustration.  I will hear news of family members being pregnant and wish beyond anything that I will be the next to share happy news.  I will smile at cute babies and wish I had my own.  I will see pregnant women and sigh, wishing I could be pregnant and vowing that when I do, I will wear pregnant proudly and show off my baby bump with excitement! Bring on the pregnancy pains, bring on the labor pains! I want them all! I will gladly go on bed rest the whole time, if need be! I don’t care…..I just want my dream to come true!

I just bared my soul here, for everyone to see…..this is the MOST honest post I believe I have ever done, but it was something I NEEDED to vent for my sanity.  I just ask for others to put themselves in my shoes before judging me harshly.  Also, please realize that I don’t need, “it could be worse” statements.  I KNOW that, but they do NOT help.

{August 24, 2013}   Another Six Word Saturday

Caught up in a good book. 🙂

{August 23, 2013}   Movie Night with the Husband :)

I STILL haven’t figured out what my weekly Friday theme is going to be….and I haven’t had any advice either. 😦

Regardless, it has been an extremely LONG week, so I and my husband are going to watch some movies.  Speaking of movies…I seriously need to add movies to my “50 movie list”, which I am pretty sure I have already passed.  I made a 10 minute run to the library today to grab the 1 book that is next in the series I am reading and ended up leaving with 5 books, 2 of them 7 day books…just in 10 minutes! -.- Even in a hurry, I cannot leave the library with just 1 book!  ~sighs~

I promise I have an actual POST in my head to do.  I just don’t feel like posting it tonight, and I have been too busy to post it the last few days.  😦  Tomorrow, I have a serious but personal post that has been stewing in my head for awhile I am planning to post.  Unless life gets in the way, I will…..

But for now, I am off to spend time with the grumpy ogre….I mean, my husband. 🙂 I love you, Chad! 😉

{August 22, 2013}   One Minute Post

OneMinuteWriterButton21. Read the daily writing prompt.
2. Push “Play” on the timer on the right side of the screen.
3. Spend 60 seconds or less writing a response to the daily prompt.

Today’s Writing Prompt: Hats

Posted: 22 Aug 2013 03:30 AM PDT

Hats. Some are interesting; some are not so much.
My husband has several hats…most of them are for teams he likes.  I’ve never been much for hats, mainly because I don’t like the way I look in hats.  When I think of hats, I think of metaphorical hats we put on in different circumstances, though.  Almost like different masks we wear……


et cetera
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