I think I am finally realizing that being busy is not something I can do for a long time and adequately function.  I know back when I was in college, I was luckily enough to have a mother that understood for me to go to college and make good grades, it was dependent upon me having free time in which to do homework, study, and honestly just to breathe.  She didn’t force me to have a job because she knew by doing so, my grades would suffer.  I had friends that worked crazy hours and took a full course of college and somehow they managed.  I was kind of envious, but I also wondered how they REALLY managed without having a nervous breakdown.  During the year, when I was the busiest was when I felt the most stressed and depressed.  I HAD to make time to be alone in my room and read or just do whatever I felt like doing or everything I did suffered. I can look back at the most difficult times in college when things weren’t going so great and pinpoint the main reasons being based on my life being TOO busy.  I can do it for a short time, but after too long, I start making silly mistakes, I get down and depressed and stop believing in myself, I cry for stupid reasons, and I just feel pulled in all directions.

The other day I sensed this feeling and knew that regardless of what others think, sometimes I HAVE  to be selfish and turn down offers to hang out because I just can’t do everything.  Maybe it’s because I am incredibly introverted or maybe it’s just a side effect of depression, but I know I just can’t do busy like some people can.  And I also can’t do spontaneity as well either.  If I decide to do something on the spur of the moment, fine…but if someone else asks me to drop everything and do something, it’s probably not going to happen.  Being spontaneous stresses me out. I’m a planner, not a risk taker. I suck at taking risks and I hate it as well.  Lately, my life has had less of what I consider “free time” and this past weekend, I felt this immensely.  I cried more than I have cried in a long time, and it was just all based on being depressed over stress.  The stress of having less time to myself, the stress of what I want most in my life not being fulfilled, monetary stress…just stress in general.  This is all stress that is on my mind most of the time, but when my life becomes too busy, I stop being able to handle it.  It’s like I forget….

Blogging daily can cause stress a bit when I feel like I don’t have the time, but honestly, my blog is also a therapy for the stress.  As much as I might not WANT to blog sometimes, doing so is a release for me.  Doing THIS post in particular helps.  It helps me get out what I have kept inside.  It helps me realize that I’m me, I’m not the same as anybody else, and I can’t be and do everything that everyone else does.  I just have to do me with no apology.  If I turn an invite down sometime, understand that it’s not based on the inviter, but simply on needing time to breathe.  For some people, hanging out with other people, going to the store, etc. can be reinvigorating. For me, it sucks all my energy and makes me feel incredibly exhausted.  Maybe I need more ME time to survive, but that’s me.  At the end of the day, I got to be me. 🙂