The title of this post is a line from the Papa Roach song, “Scars”. Every time I’ve heard that song, I feel like I can relate. I guess I inherited it from my mother because everyone tells her that she wears her heart on her sleeve. If someone cries around her, she feels the sorrow and cries herself. I am JUST like her in that way and it really does leave scars when you care so much about things.
When someone I deeply care about hurts me in any way, I don’t just temporarily feel hurt and move on. The pain sticks with me well beyond the point it should. I let things people do and say tear me completely apart and I over analyze and just become so depressed by it that I can’t focus on anything else. I try to just get over things and move on, but little grievances instead become like a bullet shot straight through my heart that I just can’t seem to fully heal. There’s things from my past that I still can’t get over. I have nightmares to this day about how people have used me and things people said to me that dug deep and it’s like they are on auto repeat in my head. It’s a tough thing to deal with wearing my heart on my sleeve and I dread how much my emotions could possibly increase one day when I get pregnant. If there’s such a thing as being any more emotional than I already am, then wow….It’s going to be hard to deal with me, I’m not going to lie!
There’s positives, though. I never use the words “I love you” unless I truly mean them. I’ve NEVER been able to use them flippantly. I take the words very seriously so if I tell someone that I love you, you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I mean it. And I might care too much for the people I love, but isn’t that better than not caring at all or not caring enough?
I guess another side of wearing my emotions close to me is that I’m very honest…too honest at times. If someone close to me hurts my feelings, I will let them know. I try to let them know in the most nicest way I can, but I let them know. Sometimes I worry by letting others know that they may think I am crazy for getting so worked up over something they might think isn’t as big of a deal as I do and then I second guess myself and wonder why I said what I said and didn’t just let it go. But from past experience, I have held things in before and not let people know that things bothered me, and what happened THEN was being so depressed from keeping it inside that the depression took over my life. When that happens, I cry in public randomly for no exact reason. I lash out in anger over something that I really DON’T care about because the truth is, I’m still hurting over something from a long time ago that would be crazy to bring up this late in the game. The things I love to do stop meaning as much to me and I spend my days in a deep sadness that leaves me feeling like I’m drowning.
So this is why I know speak up and let people know as nicely as I can…..they MAY think I am overobsessed with trivial matters or crazy but the alternative is so much worse for me. I care, I care too much, but I care and because I care, I HAVE to let people know when I think something isn’t fair, when something has hurt me deeply or just when I miss them so much that they are on my mind every second of every day. At this moment in my life, the people I love the most are growing up and going their separate ways and I am feeling a great loss. I know people have to move on but that doesn’t lessen what I feel when they do. I feel like some of the people I love are moving on without me and are leaving me behind and I find myself in tears over that loss. I can’t even imagine how I’m going to feel one day when I have kids and they move on. That thought is unbearable when just the idea of other family members not seeing me as often feels like my heart is breaking. Is that feeling normal? I don’t know……but it’s tearing me apart and I just wish I didn’t care so much.