She was only six when her life changed forever. Only six when something happened to steal her innocence and give her nightmares for years to come. From this age on, she would go through so much in her life and would wonder why she never seemed to get over this depression that controlled her life. In the back of her mind, she knows it’s all because of that time period in her life, but she has no idea how to overcome it and take control back.
Maybe it would be easier if she hadn’t gone so long without letting the people that need to know, know the secret. Maybe if she had been braver, stronger instead of weaker, she would be in a better position today. But it’s too late, the secret has gone on for too long and she doesn’t know how to finally come clean. One moment she was a little girl and the next, she was a grown but confused woman stuck in a little body. She was too young to even understand what had happened to her, but she knew it wasn’t right. She knew deep down inside that it was shameful and she found herself frightened to tell anyone the truth. This little innocent child now felt dirty and broken inside and hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. Should she tell her parents? Would they believe her? Was it her fault, did she do something wrong to deserve this fate?
For three long years, she was afraid of her next door neighbor, even though no one had even a clue of why. She refused to go over there but was lured by false promises and words. She tried to stay strong and fight against going over, but she didn’t know how to stand up for herself and tell everyone the reason why she feared it so much. She felt she had no control whatsoever of her life anymore and didn’t understand what her life had become. She started feeling depressed but had no idea why so she concentrated on music and eating to drown out the secret she held inside.
After the little girl turned 10, she was somehow able to get out of going over next door alone. Then she moved and didn’t have to fear anymore, but even getting away from your fear didn’t mean things wouldn’t be replaced with other things, like being bullied. When some of her family moved so close to her ex next door neighbor, she became overcome with extreme guilt. She now had young family members living close by and feared for what might happen to them. It was then, she spilled forth her secret to a couple other family members, one who would become her best friend. They would encourage her to tell someone but she could never seem to find the right time. Guilt stirred her from within, followed by shame and hatred for herself. Home life and bullies stacked on top of this and took the focus and thoughts away on to other things for awhile, but she kept coming back to the secret.
There was a period of time where she almost felt ready to speak out, and then life took a strange turn. Someone else close to her went through a similar circumstance but was very open and forth coming about it. She felt she could relate so much but yet, she couldn’t, because her truth was still a secret, whereas the other girl had come forth. Because of this, she withdrew into herself more and felt she couldn’t let anyone know right then for fear they would believe she was lying and looking for attention. To be thought of as a liar when it comes to something like this would be worse than just keeping it all inside her. So she tried to push it under the covers and forget. But try as she might, she would never forget and as the years flew by, she started to recognize behavior in herself that was strange and worrisome. It would be years before she started putting the puzzle pieces together and realize they all connected back to the time her innocence was lost.
But now she is a grown adult and her life has come to a standstill. She knows she has severe issues she needs to resolve but at the same time, she KNOWS the only way to do so is to let the secret be known. She’s afraid that it might be too late for it to do any good. Can she go back and mend all the pain the past has caused her? Can she actually let her parents know? And she is also still harboring resentment and anger for what happened to her and wondering why no one could see. She has guilt for not warning people and wonders if someone else is now living with a secret because of her. And it’s not fair that she should have to feel any of these emotions because of someone else…It’s not fair she should feel shameful or guilty at all. She was just a child, for heaven’s sake! It wasn’t her fault!
She wants to smash walls and scream at the top of her lungs how much she hates the one who did this to her. How much you ruined her life for your own pleasure! DAMN YOU! Everyday she remembers and wants to cry…Everyday she hopes you were stopped before you did it again, before you wrecked some one else’s life the way you wrecked hers!
She worries that her parents will hate her for not telling them sooner, that they will blame her or still not believe her. She worries even more that they will hate themselves for not seeing what was going on right in front of their eyes. She worries that the news will cause them heartsickness and sadness that she would love to spare them from forever. And she thinks it’s utterly unfair that she has to put her parents through any of those feelings because of a messed up married man who had a sick messed up mind.
She tells herself over and over that she WILL tell one of these days…but what happens if the moment she gets strong enough to tell is the moment it will be too late? If her parents die not knowing the truth, will she never be able to move on with her life? Will she never be able to rise above this depression?