She was only six when her life changed forever. Only six when something happened to steal her innocence and give her nightmares for years to come. From this age on, she would go through so much in her life and would wonder why she never seemed to get over this depression that controlled her life. In the back of her mind, she knows it’s all because of that time period in her life, but she has no idea how to overcome it and take control back.

Maybe it would be easier if she hadn’t gone so long without letting the people that need to know, know the secret. Maybe if she had been braver, stronger instead of weaker, she would be in a better position today. But it’s too late, the secret has gone on for too long and she doesn’t know how to finally come clean. One moment she was a little girl and the next, she was a grown but confused woman stuck in a little body. She was too young to even understand what had happened to her, but she knew it wasn’t right. She knew deep down inside that it was shameful and she found herself frightened to tell anyone the truth. This little innocent child now felt dirty and broken inside and hadn’t the faintest idea what to do. Should she tell her parents? Would they believe her? Was it her fault, did she do something wrong to deserve this fate?

For three long years, she was afraid of her next door neighbor, even though no one had even a clue of why. She refused to go over there but was lured by false promises and words. She tried to stay strong and fight against going over, but she didn’t know how to stand up for herself and tell everyone the reason why she feared it so much. She felt she had no control whatsoever of her life anymore and didn’t understand what her life had become. She started feeling depressed but had no idea why so she concentrated on music and eating to drown out the secret she held inside.

After the little girl turned 10, she was somehow able to get out of going over next door alone. Then she moved and didn’t have to fear anymore, but even getting away from your fear didn’t mean things wouldn’t be replaced with other things, like being bullied. When some of her family moved so close to her ex next door neighbor, she became overcome with extreme guilt. She now had young family members living close by and feared for what might happen to them. It was then, she spilled forth her secret to a couple other family members, one who would become her best friend. They would encourage her to tell someone but she could never seem to find the right time. Guilt stirred her from within, followed by shame and hatred for herself. Home life and bullies stacked on top of this and took the focus and thoughts away on to other things for awhile, but she kept coming back to the secret.

There was a period of time where she almost felt ready to speak out, and then life took a strange turn. Someone else close to her went through a similar circumstance but was very open and forth coming about it. She felt she could relate so much but yet, she couldn’t, because her truth was still a secret, whereas the other girl had come forth. Because of this, she withdrew into herself more and felt she couldn’t let anyone know right then for fear they would believe she was lying and looking for attention. To be thought of as a liar when it comes to something like this would be worse than just keeping it all inside her. So she tried to push it under the covers and forget. But try as she might, she would never forget and as the years flew by, she started to recognize behavior in herself that was strange and worrisome. It would be years before she started putting the puzzle pieces together and realize they all connected back to the time her innocence was lost.

But now she is a grown adult and her life has come to a standstill. She knows she has severe issues she needs to resolve but at the same time, she KNOWS the only way to do so is to let the secret be known. She’s afraid that it might be too late for it to do any good. Can she go back and mend all the pain the past has caused her? Can she actually let her parents know? And she is also still harboring resentment and anger for what happened to her and wondering why no one could see. She has guilt for not warning people and wonders if someone else is now living with a secret because of her. And it’s not fair that she should have to feel any of these emotions because of someone else…It’s not fair she should feel shameful or guilty at all. She was just a child, for heaven’s sake! It wasn’t her fault!

She wants to smash walls and scream at the top of her lungs how much she hates the one who did this to her. How much you ruined her life for your own pleasure! DAMN YOU! Everyday she remembers and wants to cry…Everyday she hopes you were stopped before you did it again, before you wrecked some one else’s life the way you wrecked hers!

She worries that her parents will hate her for not telling them sooner, that they will blame her or still not believe her. She worries even more that they will hate themselves for not seeing what was going on right in front of their eyes. She worries that the news will cause them heartsickness and sadness that she would love to spare them from forever. And she thinks it’s utterly unfair that she has to put her parents through any of those feelings because of a messed up married man who had a sick messed up mind.

She tells herself over and over that she WILL tell one of these days…but what happens if the moment she gets strong enough to tell is the moment it will be too late? If her parents die not knowing the truth, will she never be able to move on with her life? Will she never be able to rise above this depression?


  1. I command you for speaking out loud about your ordeal and I wish more people did. I have not. I was sexually molested by my step father as a child and nobody did anything to help me. You chose depression to protect yourself, I chose anger and contempt. I think everyone will handle this type of situation differently but has to deal with it straight in the face at some point. As long as you keep this shameful and hurt part of your life inside, your depression won’t go away. I hope your counselor can give you great advice to let it out. I wouldn’t be angry with your family but I’d definitely write an angry letter to that bastard, and then burn it away. The past is the past and you can’t change it. But it’s up to you to decide your future and you shouldn’t let this jerk continue to control you by stopping you from living your life as you deserve it. I doubt he’s got any bad thoughts about this, so why should you? I really hope you can move on and find yourself along the way. Good luck. I’m very proud of you for letting it out and starting the healing process.


    1. I originally did this in third person to kind of hide behind a story rather to say upfront that it was real…but people seemed to have figured out that it was true. This was the first time I ever wrote about this and after writing it, it felt like some of this weight on my shoulder was lifted off. About an hour ago, I talked to my mom about this for the first time and I felt a huge weight come off me that I didn’t even realize was so deep on me. I think I have known for a couple years now that this issue was the major cause of my depression in my life but unless someone has gone through the same thing, like you did, they don’t realize just how hard it is to tell. Every time I see a girl or woman speak out so soon after, I want to give them a big hug and tell them they are so powerful and strong for doing that. I only wish I could turn back time and have spoke out sooner, but I can’t rewind. It feels good to be finally free of this secret and now I need to find a counselor somewhere that I can talk about it more with that will help me be able to overcome it completely. I’ve taken some huge steps these past 2 days…I feel ready to take some more and take back control of my life. I’m so saddened that you had to go through something like this as well, but I also have hope from knowing you through your blogs and seeing what an amazing woman, wife and mother AND writer you are. It gives me inspiration that I can also get over this and become whatever I want to be. I can be more than just a victim…


      1. Our experiences have similarities and differences. I was “lucky” enough to be touched inappropriately many, many times but never raped. My mother knew about it and never did a thing about it. As I grew older she even blamed for letting it happen. So much for protecting her child! You were a hurt and silent child. I was a hurt and angry child. I have very few childhood memories today because my brain deleted most of them permanently, since there was so little happy to remember. I was stolen my innocence and with no one to protect me, I protected myself with a hard shell and anger. I’ve never revisited this issue with my mother as an adult and she’s never apologized about it. At this point, I don’t want to discuss it with her but I want to make sure something like that NEVER happens to my own kids.

        The only advice I can give you that I think will be helpful is to STOP looking at yourself as a victim and start looking at yourself as a survivor. Because that’s what you and I are. Survivors. We survived evil. We survived being robbed of our childhood. I can’t redo my past and I definitely don’t want to relive it. But my present is right in front of me and my future is unwritten. I’ll never let the bastard ruin my whole life like he ruined my childhood. It’s time to let the jerk set you free and start making your own life, as you deserve it.


  2. I’m sorry that you went through this Sharon, but I admire you for being so brave to share your story. I hope that you will find the peace that you deserve!


    1. It took many, many years for me to be able to and even when I wrote this, I had to continually talk myself out of deleting it before the post showed up. I appreciate your kind words…since I posted this, I was able to share it with my mom and I feel such a heavy weight off my shoulders because of this. My mom was so supportive, just like I always knew she would be, but yet I was still so scared. I am so thankful that I was blessed with such a great mom!


  3. You are incredibly brave. My hope and prayer is that this would be used with others to give them courage to tell in order to receive comfort. What a poignant story and so glad you have a mom who loves and cares.


  4. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

    I’ve had the email notification for this post saved since it was published. Every time I started to read, I felt like I wasn’t in the right state of mind for it.

    I can’t possibly understand what you’ve been through/what you’re going through, but I applaud you for sharing this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.

    You are *so* much more than a victim, Sharon! In the past year that we’ve been reading and commenting on each other’s blogs, I may not have gotten to know all of you, but I know you well enough to say that you are a strong, inspiring, intelligent, thoughtful, and kind woman. I am incredibly grateful that our lives have connected.

    Some people may come forward earlier . . . everyone deals in their own ways. Yours is no less valid. You came forward when *you* were ready. I’m happy to hear you mom was so wonderful and I hope that talking to her and that writing/sharing this has helped and is helping you to heal.


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