About 4-5 years ago, before I had even met my husband, I went through a tough period of time where I got into several bad relationships. Things were new and exciting for me at the time. I finally starting driving at 23, I had lost a lot of weight and I was in a singing group as well as acting in plays so my social network was larger than ever before. I could now go more places and do more things instead of asking for rides. I had my freedom at an older age than most people and I was finally feeling more confident. But not enough…..
I was more in shape than I had ever been. In Aerobics class, I did Wall Squats longer than girls 10 times smaller than me. But I still carried around 250 pounds on my body and nothing was making the number go down. There were times when I would forget the size and feel beautiful, though. I would look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty, but then there were times when people would make little remarks that made me remember I was still “fat”. The smaller girls who I felt were the perfect size who were constantly calling themselves fat and saying they looked like an elephant. When I would respond, “If you’re an elephant, then what am I? A Whale?”, they would say the obligatory, “No, you look good!” but what was I suppose to assume there? And of course I will never forget one of the guys making a comment at a friend’s birthday at the club…”I’m sure there are some guys here that like bigger girls.”
Basically, I was at odds with myself. So when I starting meeting a few guys here and there through Social Media who saw me and told me I was beautiful, I ate it up. I had begun to think there were no guys out there that loved bigger women and I started finding many that seemed to. But the guys I met were mostly losers. Somehow I convinced myself that they weren’t all that bad, though, because I loved the feeling that came with a man liking me or pretending enough where I fell for it. There was an obvious void in my heart that the guys were filling up, even as I had to have known I was being used.
One of the guys I was “seeing” was a real jerk. I remember one time as I was leaving his house, asking him for help down the stairs. There wasn’t a railing and since I fell and hurt myself a few years before, I was always super careful. He started to help me and then when I had about one step left, he pushed me. Not really hard, but he pushed me and laughed about it. I was able to safely get down the last step but I definitely was upset and called him a name. I don’t even think he apologized about it, and yet I still talked to him after that day. I would come by his work and get money from him to go buy him some lunch. Whenever he called, I was there….like a deluded puppy.
My best friend, also my niece who lives in Indiana, knew about the stuff that was going on with me. She HATED this guy as well as a bunch of the others I had talked to and she desperately wanted me to care more about myself and tell them off, but her words were sadly falling on deaf ears.
When she asked her mom(my oldest sister) about me coming to work at the preschool they worked at, I know most of the reasoning was to get me away from my life. I took the offer, making the jerk guy I was with mad, and left for Indiana for the rest of the summer with no set time to return. I had no vehicle at my disposal and was solely reliant on riding with my niece or my sister everywhere. I admit there was a part of me that was driven crazy by no longer being able to just get up and go like I was used to, but I knew it was good for me. I still talked to the jerk on the computer when I got a chance to, which wasn’t much, and a little bit on the phone…when he wasn’t busy.
I had a strong idea even before I left Texas that this guy….we’ll call him “Loser”…was cheating on me. I didn’t have proof, though, so I kept hanging on to the relationship that wasn’t good for me and was just bringing me down. Then, my niece and I came up with an idea. Loser didn’t know her, had never seen a picture of her and didn’t even know my niece’s name. So we went to the site where I met him and she made HER a profile using her name, but not friending me or leaving any obvious links to me. She then searched for him, sent him a request and starting chatting with him through the site. It didn’t take long before he started flirting with her and making plans to come visit her. We didn’t expose the plan yet, though. We kept it going for a few days until we got him to call her on the phone. She answered and he was flirting away with her, then SHE handed the phone to me. I then spoke into the phone and said, “Busted…********” Yep, a nice lovely curse word was said. His response? “Oh, shi*!” After I told him that the girl he was flirting with was my niece, he started uttering lies of how he knew all along. I didn’t fall for his crap. I was done with him and I let him know! Oh, and after I returned I found out he was dating another girl and supposedly engaged to her while seeing me and she had no idea! When she found out about this, she refused to believe it and called me a liar. I said, Oh well….she will find out…and I am sure she did!
I returned from Indiana wanting to change things in my life and I did have a short hiccup before I ended up meeting the man who is now my husband. I look back and wish that I had seen how much better I was than those guys and how I deserved so much better, but I learned from my mistakes and I am so happy at where I am at now!