You know those little forwards you sometimes get from friends? Well, my mom is the queen of forwarding me things! Sometimes I want to shake my head at her(like when she sends the infamous Bill Gates will give you money! forward….and then I have to tell her it’s just spam. But sometimes she sends me some pretty funny stuff that brings a smile to my face. Today I have decided to share some of the funnies my Mom has sent me. I hope you get a good laugh or two from these! 🙂
Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
‘Without numbers?’ The Norwegian says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.
‘What’s this?’ the boss asks.
‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Norwegian.
‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’
The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’
The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’
‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question.
Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’
The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’
The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’
The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’
‘So, ven do I start?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together, it spells
The Cowboy and The Congressman
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote Mountainous pasture in
When suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you Give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegarQ. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeistsQ. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinentalQ. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
A. Premature deathQ. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cowQ. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..
A. A small lieQ. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. NearbyQ. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
A. The caesarean section is a district in RomeQ. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
A. When you are sick at the airport
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellasQ. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head