As much as I don’t want to care what others think of me or what they say behind my back, I still do…just a little bit. I KNOW this is considered a fault and I realize that what others think shouldn’t matter because it’s about how you see yourself. Knowing all the right things you should do is not the same as magically pulling out a wand and suddenly being able to master it, though.
I have many older friends who have counseled me in how they lived their 20’s and 30’s always caring about what others thought of them and wasting time with that and they regretted it but once they hit around the 40 mark, they suddenly stopped caring so much. That’s a wonderful thing and I hope with every ounce of me that one day I will have that happen to me,too. But I’m 27, going on 28 and from what I am hearing, I’m in the stage that YOU once were at my age. I am stuck caring too much and worrying too much and having days where I don’t feel good enough. Last time I checked, all my friends my age and a little older were in my boat with me. They understand that and we are all trying to get to that moment of clarity where we could not only KNOW that what others think doesn’t really matter so much but that we can live like that. At the same time, my older and wiser friends want to save me from myself. They would love to bestow the gift of knowledge on me earlier and hope that I can take the step they took later in THEIR life on a fast track. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantees it will work that way.
And I’m fine with it, honestly. I’m not going to pretend to have my life all figured out yet when I have so much of it yet to live. I’m not going to pretend my life is all roses if it’s anything but. As much as I want to always sound chipper and always sound confident, I refuse to be dishonest. I’m young and I still have learning to do. My life is MY life and no two people can live it the same.
I wanted to start this post off by saying “I’m sorry I can’t be….” but then I told myself NO….I have nothing to be sorry for. I owe no one apologies for being ME. I’m not going to apologize for sometimes doing a post where I don’t feel like it’s the best in the world, because I’m being honest. Stephen King wrote “Carrie”, then threw it in the trash. He thought it was nothing but garbage and no one would ever want to read it. His wife found it and talked him into getting it published and we all know what happened next, don’t we?
Some times I do a post quick with little thinking involved and I feel like it’s not any good, but I post it anyways. Why? Because maybe I am missing something good that someone else may see. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Tabitha King found treasure in her husband’s trash. So maybe something I find not “good enough” may actually be better than what I first thought. Even the best writers struggle with feeling like they are not good enough at times. So I’m not going to apologize for admitting if I honestly don’t see the greatness in a post I post. Sometimes it may truly be mediocre or not any good at all….but if there’s 1 chance in a 100 that it could turn out to be good or great, I’m taking it. Life is nothing if not taking risks and I’ve spent too much of mine NOT doing so. I’m ready to dive in and let it all show, the good AND the bad, and let the critics(YOU) be the judge.
I want honest opinions and feed back, I’m not looking for sugarcoated candy here. If something I post IS no good, you don’t have to like it and you can tell me it’s not my best or give me suggestions on how to make it better. I don’t want people telling me “good job” and then really thinking, “Oh my gosh, that was horrible, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
I know it happens sometimes but I honestly want only truth.
And I’m not apologizing for doing posts that expose negative things in my life that I deal with, either. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies and for some, just thinking positively, can’t twist it to suddenly be that way. This isn’t a one size fits all world and I can’t snap my fingers and suddenly be Miss Sunshine.
I’m done apologizing for things I shouldn’t have to….No more Apologies, Just me.