First of all, Happy Friday the 13th! I know many people might shudder at that date but 13 is actually a lucky number! I DO believe bad things CAN happen that day but they can also happen anytime…it’s NOT just cause of the 13th.
Two nights ago, lightning struck within five feet of me…literally. I was indoors at the computer and it was raining outside. The sky was occasionally pretending to do the part of the sun by lighting up the world brightly, if only for a second. I didn’t hear much thunder and I was deeply involved in writing a post for this blog so I decided I would finish up and then log off the computer for the night. Then out of the blue…or black, cause it was night, a bolt of lightning slammed the ground right beside our den window. It made a long firecracker pop that caused me to jump and I glanced over as the window took on a bright red glow behind the blinds. I won’t pretend to know what the heebie jeebies really are but I think it’s a good assumption to say they were scared right out of me! I closed out my computer faster than the Energizer bunny and left the room. I know they say lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place but I wasn’t about to take the chance!
I did slowly sneak out onto the porch to take a very quick glance by the window…just to make sure the lightning didn’t cause a fire. Luckily, there were no visible signs of the lightning strike so I walked FAST back in the house, closed the porch door and went to the bedroom and the protection of the hubby.
There’s nothing like a lightning strike right beside you to get your adrenaline pumping, is there?
A few days ago I did a post about being honest with my feelings whether they are good or bad. It never ceases to amaze me how other things in life seem to align themselves with what I am experiencing or feeling at a point in my life. I’ve been reading daily….or as daily as I can since I AM a procrastinator…this book called ‘Women’s Book of Confidence“. I try to read a page or two a day, if possible, just as a little bit of extra inspiration. The same day as the lightning strike, I was surprised but happy to see that the next section was about Finding Freedom Through Honest Feelings.
The intro. starts off by saying how we often try to categorize our feelings between good, bad, acceptable, unacceptable, etc. Then it goes on to explain how trying to do so almost always fails. She gives this really great object lesson example of a tub(the type you bob for apples in) full of red and white Ping Pong balls. Pretend the red balls are bad and you need to push them to the bottom where you can’t see them. You can only do so with two hands, though. Well, of course, there’s just no way without holding down the white(good) ones too, right? She explains the only way she could figure it out was to cut a piece of wood the same size of the tub and push down ALL the balls. This is the same with feelings…you can’t push down all the bad ones without pushing down good ones too. The author actually equates doing so with becoming numb.
Did I become numb when I tried to hold back even some of my bad feelings? One of the definitions of numb is lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent. I would like to believe this definition doesn’t fit me in the slightest, but I have to say, it feels true to me. In fact, it fits my real life more than my blogging world. I’ve hidden sad feelings in my real world a lot throughout the years. I try to put on a brave face sometimes when I just really want to cry. I don’t see myself as being uncaring to others because of this but more so, just numb to myself. Numb to any hurt or pain….almost to the point that sometimes I feel as if I am lost in this neverending flashback cycle in my head. A cycle of ALL the past, good and bad…on repeat. I think it’s made me numb to aspects of the world I live in now. I go through daily routines but I don’t feel completely there all the time. I sometimes feel like a robot just doing things out of habit.
Not sure if any of that makes sense to anyone else but me. Mostly, I just really learned from what I read that I can’t leave out the negative things and only show the good. It’s not healthy. This doesn’t mean that I should go all Emo kid and throw pity parties. I still believe optimism is a good thing to strive for and I admire the ones who seem to have a talent for being so upbeat ALL the time. I think I need to find a middle ground within myself. Say the bad things I feel, if need be, but then try to find the positives in the negative. Try to find something to be thankful in every day, even if it seems small and trivial. I think that would be an optimistic take on a negative perspective and in turn, be realistic. That’s all I want to be. Especially for myself, be realistic but strive to look at things in a better, more healthy way.