Woke up this morning with an extreme case of vertigo and when I say extreme, I mean literally. I gripped the walls tightly as if they were a life line on the way to the bathroom. I felt like I was walking in a funhouse except without the “fun” part involved. Even just sitting and looking around the room, everything was spinning fast like a merry go round. I’m quite surprised this didn’t make me feel really nauseous, in fact. More than anything, it was just scary. My husband had already left to go do car repossessions with a friend for some money so I was all alone. I called him up immediately after making my way back from the bathroom to the bed and told him of my vertigo and he was nice enough to bring me a drink and some food at lunch time so I didn’t have to try to make me something and risk a fall. At 27, I shouldn’t be so fearful of falling but the reality of the matter is, when I fall, I risk the chance of breaking bones or being seriously hurt because of my weight. It’s a scary reality to face but it’s mine and I deal with it as best I can.
Because our computer is in a room across the apartment from the bedroom, I didn’t venture into the room until late, which is why I am now doing my daily blog so late. I would actually have missed a day for the first time if I had to but I finally got the vertigo calmed down enough where I could walk without feeling like I’m surfing on the ocean instead.
So here I am, late at night, doing my blog and something weighs heavily in the back of my mind. It wasn’t that long ago that I mentioned on my blog that I try to be more optimistic so that I don’t seem like a “negative nelly” or whatever that term is. Ever since then, I’ve struggled with that comment I made and wondered why….Why can’t I blog how I truly feel? Why MUST I pretend to be optimistic if I really feel nowhere near that on a particular day? Isn’t my blog called “TheREALSharon” and I made it originally to have a place to be 100% REAL. So why am I trying to put on a smile for people that may come along my blog if behind this smile they see, I’m secretly crying and hiding behind a mask. I never set out to change myself in anyway for people that read my blog so why am I allowing people to make me change myself? Not that anyone is actively forcing me to but almost like I want to BE the person that others want to read about instead of the person I really am.
Every single post I have done IS me, none of them have been fake. BUT some of my posts have omitted my feelings at the time so as not to make people feel like I am always pessimistic OR have a “woe is me” mentality.
What does it matter, though? Originally, the only people reading my blog were people in my real life that KNEW me so I didn’t have to pretend that I was UP if I was really DOWN that day. So WHY am I changing anything now that there are new people reading my blog?
Obviously, that little girl years ago that tried so hard to fit in but yet never seemed to be cool enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough….obviously she still lurks underneath and still wants to BE what everyone else wants. Well…..that’s not fair to pretend I’m something I’m not. Not fair to others and most of all, not fair to me. We all deserve to be ourselves, whoever WE are without trying to fit a one size fits all mold.
This post is to say to ALL my readers that I intend to let out the good and the BAD and if you don’t like my good AND my bad reality, then that’s OK. Maybe I won’t be as popular of a blogger as the people that are optimistic all the time but that’s fine. At the end of the day, I just want to be true to me. All of me, the positive AND the negative. Because that’s REAL.
That’s the REAL Sharon.