Well, me and my hubby went to a friend’s house today for a fish fry. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet my friend’s newest little one, Aidan, who is 2 months old. He was so cute!
I enjoyed holding him, too. It was the first time I had held a baby that small in awhile. The last time was probably when his older sister was an infant and she is now close to 2. It felt like I had been holding a baby all my life, though. Which is not too far from the truth. I’ve been an aunt since I was 2 and held my first baby (that I can remember at 2 yrs. and 2 months). That baby was my first niece Krystal. We have pictures and there’s this big, humongous smile on my face cause I was so excited about holding a baby. I don’t think I even understand that I was an aunt until many years later but I knew what a baby was. I was obsessed with them.
I’m not making that up, either. Ask my mom! She told me that my first word was “baby” and I was so obsessed with them, she got a photo album and filled it with pictures of babies from magazines for me. I would sit there for hours and look at the babies. When other small children would carry their dolls around and throw them down when they were done or kind of be rough with them, I was like a little mommy. I would hold them just like an adult would and I would sing to my baby dolls, kiss their foreheads and gently lay them down. I guess I’m just a baby person…..I’ve always loved them and I’ve always known, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to be a mommy one day.
At the same time, I was around babies and children enough to know that it wouldn’t be the best to have one too young. My mom was a kindergarten teacher and then a daycare teacher and at church, she would volunteer in the nursery and I would help out as much as I was allowed. Some of my nieces also lived with us for years on and off, so I learned the “not so fun” parts of having a baby. I guess that was why in high school when I took Parenting Class, I was the ONLY one in my class that did a paper instead of taking home the crying baby. It was one of those dolls that cried like a baby and you would have to get up and turn the key and hold it. All the other girls were all excited and I said straight out, “No thank you!” I loved babies but I was NOT about to be kept up late taking care of a doll and having to carry it around all the time. So I did this like 5 page paper that was an option. I think the teacher had to come up with it on the spot cause she always offered an alternative but I don’t believe anyone had ever taken it.
I’m 27 now and a lot of my friends MY age already have at least one kid, if not more. I don’t have any yet. It’s not that I don’t want any because I really, really do. Every time a friend asks me when I’m going to have a baby, I’ll play it off and be like, ” Some day” but secretly, I want to scream, “I would love to say I am having one now!” Things don’t always work out like in fairy tales, though. Part of me is afraid to get pregnant because of my weight. I don’t even know if I would be able to anyways. Another part of me doesn’t care and if I ended up pregnant tomorrow, I would be happy and deal with it. It’s safe to say my biological clock has been running for a few years now. And the other day I read in a magazine about how having a baby between 25-30 is the best time and then after that, the odds go down extremely. It scares me to think it might take me too long to get where I need to be, weight wise, to have a baby. Not to mention, what if I am never able to get enough off to have one?
It leaves me depressed. In fact, THIS is a huge issue that keeps me from wanting to go anywhere or do anything which is kind of counter productive. I just get so down about what I CAN’T do because of my weight and then when I tell myself that that should be motivation, it doesn’t work. Nothing seems to motivate me anymore. Sad, but true. I’ve just gotten so tired of failing in the past, that I have gone numb. The will is not there any more.
Tonight, my friend Allison commented that it looked natural when I was holding the baby. Well….it feels natural to me. It always has, to an extent. I mean, there’s a little nervousness there because it’s someone else’s baby and I don’t want them to be afraid that I could drop them or something. Other than that, holding a baby has just always felt right to me. It’s felt like what I was meant to do. I feel this strong maternal urge inside me that tells me that THIS is my true purpose in life. I know that I am meant to be a mother some day. I KNOW that I have that maternal instinct inside me, but when will I get the chance to embrace it?
I know that this is a very personal post and you’re probably wondering why I would share this with the world. Well…why not? This is the REAL me. Why should I hide who I am? I hide myself in real life too often as it is.