I didn’t know what else to title this since I have a lot of different things on my mind. And they all vary from one thing to the other, so they literally include everything BUT the kitchen sink.
First of all, my 20 yr. old niece got married today. I knew she was planning to today but when I saw the announcement on Facebook that she was married, I cried. They were happy tears though mixed with a little bit of sadness that I couldn’t be there to see her get married. I would have loved to be there. Sure, I know she is having a big ceremony in December and I hope to God, I get to be there, but there’s a part of me that longed to be there for the small Justice of the Peace ceremony. Last time I saw her was at my wedding. She was one of my bridesmaids and she was my single niece. The next time I see her, it will be as a married woman. It’s very surreal. There’s also a part of me that aches for her because I know that soon she will be having to face being married and not having him there for a time. As a married woman myself now, I can’t imagine what that is going to be like.
For most of my life before I was married, I slept in a bed alone. Not an uncommon thing, of course. Although at times in my 20’s, I would dream of having someone to cuddle beside me and be there to protect me, sleeping alone was the norm. It didn’t bother me. Now, if my husband isn’t beside me at night, I find it hard to sleep. It just doesn’t feel right. I feel lonely, vulnerable and unprotected. I can’t remember what it felt like to NOT have him there all the time. So my heart aches for my niece because I don’t think I could do it. But maybe that’s why God didn’t put me with someone in the Marines, Army, Navy, etc. Maybe he KNEW I wouldn’t be able to handle it. So God must also believe she can. And from what I know of my niece, she IS strong. All of my nieces are. Stronger than me, for sure. I feel so weak sometimes and dependent on everybody else. But they’re not. They’re better women than me.
Also on my mind is earlier today. My husband woke up early for an interview. I stayed asleep. When he got back, he decided to pester me and try to wake me up. I hate being told to wake up. I get very ornery and angry when I am told to wake up. He wouldn’t quit pestering me so I yelled at him and called him names. I said very hurtful, mean things that I didn’t mean. I guess it was just my way of getting him to leave me alone so I could steal a few more winks. But it was wrong of me and now I feel horrible about it. I hate how when you get angry, you say things you don’t mean. I hate how this part of me comes out that people rarely see. It’s not who I want to be, it’s not who I really am. So I am saying publicly on my blog, I’m sorry to my husband. I am sorry for saying mean things to you today. I’m sorry for hurting you and making you feel less of a person. I’m sorry and I love you.
I believe somewhere I have said this before and others have too, but whoever said “I love you means never having to say,”I’m sorry” obviously didn’t really know what love is about. I love you means saying you’re sorry when you do something wrong that justifies apologizing. Just cause you love someone dearly doesn’t mean you’re never going to hurt them. We tend to hurt the ones we love the most.
I had other things in my mind but they just don’t seem to fit in this post along with what has already been said. So I guess I will end this post by saying again how much I love you, Chad (my husband) and also saying congratulations to the new Mrs. and Mr. Chaffins! 🙂 I wish you the best of luck again in your future and may your marriage be truly blessed by God! Much love and happiness to you!
And if there’s anyone close to you who you have hurt lately, take the time to tell them you’re sorry and let them know how you feel. Don’t wait because you never know when it may be too late.