I’ve heard about Bittersweet goodbyes before, but lately the ones I have had to say have been more bitter than sweet. Maybe I would feel different if all of my nieces and nephews were just a few hours away instead of 16 to 19. It sucks that my great nephews had not seen me in so long that I was like a stranger to them. It hurts even more not being sure how long it will be before I see them again and if they will still remember who I am. I know there are webcams and stuff, but nothing can replace getting to see them in person or give them a hug.
I also really hate that my best friend in this whole world is unable to just come over and hang out with me when we want to see each other. This is why as their van left, I cried and my husband offered me a hug.
Why must the time pass so fast? I wish I had more time with them. It always seems to go by too quickly. 
Short post today because I have been so busy. Tomorrow is Christmas Day and all my family is now here. My biggest wish for tomorrow is that everyone will have the christmas spirit and get along. Family is awesome but crowded spaces can bring out a mixture of personalities and from experience I have learned not every personality will mix well. The holidays can be both happy as well as stressful and tensions may get to a point where things escalate and explode after awhile. Yes, I am speaking from a personal situation that transpired today as well as past circumstances. It’s interesting how you can think your depression has gotten incredibly better and then you are put with people for long periods of time and lots of noise and constant chaos and then bam, it turns out things weren’t as under control as you think. Pair that with a bi-polar husband that most of your family doesn’t understand and things can get crazy.
But, this is not meant to be a depressing post and I don’t have regrets that my family is here. I am thrilled and I feel so blessed no matter what. My only wish is for me AND my husband to survive the holiday season without losing our minds and for everyone to just have a great time together, being happy and safe.
That is also my wish for you guys…although maybe not so much the losing your mind unless that applies.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
About 4-5 years ago, before I had even met my husband, I went through a tough period of time where I got into several bad relationships. Things were new and exciting for me at the time. I finally starting driving at 23, I had lost a lot of weight and I was in a singing group as well as acting in plays so my social network was larger than ever before. I could now go more places and do more things instead of asking for rides. I had my freedom at an older age than most people and I was finally feeling more confident. But not enough…..
I was more in shape than I had ever been. In Aerobics class, I did Wall Squats longer than girls 10 times smaller than me. But I still carried around 250 pounds on my body and nothing was making the number go down. There were times when I would forget the size and feel beautiful, though. I would look at myself in the mirror and feel pretty, but then there were times when people would make little remarks that made me remember I was still “fat”. The smaller girls who I felt were the perfect size who were constantly calling themselves fat and saying they looked like an elephant. When I would respond, “If you’re an elephant, then what am I? A Whale?”, they would say the obligatory, “No, you look good!” but what was I suppose to assume there? And of course I will never forget one of the guys making a comment at a friend’s birthday at the club…”I’m sure there are some guys here that like bigger girls.”
Basically, I was at odds with myself. So when I starting meeting a few guys here and there through Social Media who saw me and told me I was beautiful, I ate it up. I had begun to think there were no guys out there that loved bigger women and I started finding many that seemed to. But the guys I met were mostly losers. Somehow I convinced myself that they weren’t all that bad, though, because I loved the feeling that came with a man liking me or pretending enough where I fell for it. There was an obvious void in my heart that the guys were filling up, even as I had to have known I was being used.
One of the guys I was “seeing” was a real jerk. I remember one time as I was leaving his house, asking him for help down the stairs. There wasn’t a railing and since I fell and hurt myself a few years before, I was always super careful. He started to help me and then when I had about one step left, he pushed me. Not really hard, but he pushed me and laughed about it. I was able to safely get down the last step but I definitely was upset and called him a name. I don’t even think he apologized about it, and yet I still talked to him after that day. I would come by his work and get money from him to go buy him some lunch. Whenever he called, I was there….like a deluded puppy.
My best friend, also my niece who lives in Indiana, knew about the stuff that was going on with me. She HATED this guy as well as a bunch of the others I had talked to and she desperately wanted me to care more about myself and tell them off, but her words were sadly falling on deaf ears.
When she asked her mom(my oldest sister) about me coming to work at the preschool they worked at, I know most of the reasoning was to get me away from my life. I took the offer, making the jerk guy I was with mad, and left for Indiana for the rest of the summer with no set time to return. I had no vehicle at my disposal and was solely reliant on riding with my niece or my sister everywhere. I admit there was a part of me that was driven crazy by no longer being able to just get up and go like I was used to, but I knew it was good for me. I still talked to the jerk on the computer when I got a chance to, which wasn’t much, and a little bit on the phone…when he wasn’t busy.
I had a strong idea even before I left Texas that this guy….we’ll call him “Loser”…was cheating on me. I didn’t have proof, though, so I kept hanging on to the relationship that wasn’t good for me and was just bringing me down. Then, my niece and I came up with an idea. Loser didn’t know her, had never seen a picture of her and didn’t even know my niece’s name. So we went to the site where I met him and she made HER a profile using her name, but not friending me or leaving any obvious links to me. She then searched for him, sent him a request and starting chatting with him through the site. It didn’t take long before he started flirting with her and making plans to come visit her. We didn’t expose the plan yet, though. We kept it going for a few days until we got him to call her on the phone. She answered and he was flirting away with her, then SHE handed the phone to me. I then spoke into the phone and said, “Busted…********” Yep, a nice lovely curse word was said. His response? “Oh, shi*!” After I told him that the girl he was flirting with was my niece, he started uttering lies of how he knew all along. I didn’t fall for his crap. I was done with him and I let him know! Oh, and after I returned I found out he was dating another girl and supposedly engaged to her while seeing me and she had no idea! When she found out about this, she refused to believe it and called me a liar. I said, Oh well….she will find out…and I am sure she did!
I returned from Indiana wanting to change things in my life and I did have a short hiccup before I ended up meeting the man who is now my husband. I look back and wish that I had seen how much better I was than those guys and how I deserved so much better, but I learned from my mistakes and I am so happy at where I am at now!
No, this is NOT a post saying I’m getting a divorce or anything! I am still happily married and I plan to be until death DOES part us, so for friends and family who may have freaked out seeing the title, have no fear.
BUT this post is about Marriage and something I read considering it this morning. As I was browsing my Facebook news feed, I came across a post on a proposed ordinance in Mexico City, Mexico that would allow people to enter into Temporary Marriages. Yes, you read that right? “Temporary” as in the choice to be married “until death do us part” or as many years as you choose, with the minimum being 2 years. Before marriage, child custody and property is decided. The hopes of this ordinance is to reduce the numbers and cost of divorce.
My first thought was shock, honestly. I was born and raised with the belief that Marriage was this eternal vow and you just make it work. However, as I got older, I realized that there ARE some very valid reasons for divorce and I don’t judge people that end up in one. I have people very close to me that have been through them and having heard their situations, I can’t honestly say I would have chosen any different than they did. One thing I believe we all have in common, though, is that each one of us married with the intention of it being a “Forever” thing. None of us were blind to the idea that things can happen beyond your control and the future is unknown, but we each went into marriage with the idea that we loved this person, wanted to spend our lives with them, and we would be willing to work on our relationship should the need arise. Obviously, some of them ended up in heartbreak when the day came that they realized their hopes for a “Happily ever after” were shattered. I grieved along with them because I could tell they were so hurt and didn’t want that to happen. At the same time, I think most of them , should they re-marry, would choose to say “Until Death do us part” all over again. Why? Because I don’t think most people go into Marriage knowing OR wanting it to be a TEMPORARY commitment.
So, as you can tell, I am very torn about this proposal. I know this is just Mexico and it hasn’t been passed, but part of me hates the idea of something like this ever becoming a new trend. Maybe I am still old fashioned and traditional. Maybe I am living in a dream world where I still believe Marriage is a sacred thing, whether lasting or not, that to put it in terms of being “Temporary” is almost sacreligious?
Yes, I am aware that Marriage is an institution that hasn’t been around forever, but I kind of think I like it. I like the fact that two people are so much in love, maybe even drunk on it, that they agree to make this huge commitment of sharing their lives with one another. If I went back in time and had a choice to put a time period on my marriage, I wouldn’t take that option. If my husband had wanted that option, I would have refused to marry him. I would feel like it was a big slap in my face that someone chose to marry me, but it was only for 2 years or 5 years or whatever time. Then when the time ended, you can renew the marriage, but what would that really mean? Do you now have to do the whole dating and getting to know each other again period so that the other will agree to remarry you? What if one year in to a two year marriage, your spouse sees someone else they want to start seeing and is like, “Hold on, I got one more year and then I am free and clear with no messy divorce!”….Is it only me that would be offended by that? Am I the only one that would think your marriage now has become like a warranty on a product? Let’s just try it out for a couple years and if you’re not the same as when I married you, I will trade you in for a newer, better model?
I would prefer a couple live together for years and THEN make a decision to marry, then marry temporarily.
And now I will just say that I accept differing opinions on this. I realize to some people, this could be beneficial. I am simply stating my reasons for finding it rather atrocious and appalling. BUT, if you disagree with me, I am fine with that.
A few days ago, Daily Post showcased a prompt about writing a power sentence on every year of your life. When I read this, I admit I was thinking, “Cool idea, but very time consuming and I’m not sure my memory will be able to do so.” I know I may be only 27 but there are some years that start to flow into the next and things can get a bit fuzzy. Then as I was reading my subscribed blogs, I realized the prompt actually came from someone I follow!
After reading HER post on her life in 36 sentences, I felt almost compelled to now sit down and take the time to do this myself. I fought it at first but then when she questioned me about doing one and then told me if I did, she’d love to read it…Well, I gave in. It IS a prompt by a blog I LOVE and thoroughly enjoy and Heck, she even did it herself when she had just a few more sentences than me to come up with, so here goes. Not every year is exactly ONE sentence but I tried to shorten each yr. to the important stuff. Hope you enjoy…especially you, Stef!
1983- My oldest sister walked down the aisle with me still inside my mommy, but soon I would enter this world kicking and screaming.
1984-My recollections come from my mother’s stories, I started to walk and my first word was “Baby”. Apparently I LOVED babies.
1985-My one memory is near the end of ’85 when I became an Aunt and held my first niece.
1986-I loved to entertain the world through singing every chance I got and didn’t mind dancing while the mood struck me.
1987-My love for arts led to trouble when me and my accomplice(my niece) got caught coloring my brother’s bed sheets. My mom said I was trying to make them pretty 
1988- I was a flower girl for my middle sister’s wedding and my oldest sister was pregnant during it. I later became an Aunt for the 2nd time and I was thrilled!
1989-I went from half days at Kindergarten to full days in first grade. I also started wearing glasses and hating it.
1990-The start of chronic migraines but also the glory of being an Aunt again!
1991-Had my handwriting messed up due to a teacher who criticized it for being always either too big or too small, but also learned the President song so I could name all the Presidents. I still know it to this day!
1992- Saw my 4th niece being born and got to hold her. Met my favorite teacher ever who told me I was a great writer and encouraged me to write.
1993-Made the first REAL best friend I ever had and became an Aunt yet AGAIN. Finally started understanding what being an Aunt meant and was in love with it.
1994-The last FULL year I lived in the city I was born and raised in.
1995-One of the milestone years in my life. My middle sister had her 2nd little girl who was hospitalized as a newborn for a respiratory infection. On the way to the hospital, me and my mom would get into a car accident that totaled our vehicle, but we were both OK. Started packing to move and had to say goodbye to my best friend. Before we could finish, our house caught on fire and I lived only due to my intuition.
1996-Our new city was small compared to the big city I grew up in. I got bullied and felt lonelier than ever. Fell down the stairs of my house and ended up with a torn ligament. By the end of the year, I finally found a new friend.
1997-The first time I had ever gone to public school. Made one friend in the whole school and everyone else seemed to ignore me or bully me. Home life wasn’t always so great because of my brother’s need to drink and then fight with my parents. My friend’s brother became my first boyfriend and my first kiss.
1998-Bullying at school got worse so I started missing more and more school. I got contacts to replace my glasses and got accused of trying to “fit in”.
1999-Dumped again by my bf, this time on Valentine’s Day. A guy asking me out at school turned out to be a joke that the whole school found funny and on top of the bullying, I was missing too much school. I was finally taken out and did homeschooling.
2000-Family from Indiana moved in with us which led to me and my 2nd niece, Beckah becoming really close. Homeschooling didn’t work out and I enrolled in an alternative school to finish on time.
2001-Finished 2 1/2 years of school in 6 months time to graduate on Valentine’s Day, making the day much better for me than past events did. Sang “Wind Beneath my wings” at my graduation ceremony in May and went on my first and only Missions Trip to Wales,UK in July. After my return, I started college as a Music and English double major, then 9/11 hit and the world was forever changed.
2002-Dropped the English major and went full out for Music, learned college was way different from High School but couldn’t seem to overcome the shyness from then. Found enough courage to audition and make All State Choir but got sick the second day of the trip and had to miss the performance. Ended up riding a Greyhound Bus for my first time ever at 19 from San Antonio to Austin to meet my family.
2003-Had my first surgery-A Tonsillectomy. Took a stumble and ended up breaking my fibula and detaching my deltoid ligament on the SAME day and almost the same exact time as my new and first nephew came into the world.
2004- Went back to college after missing a semester due to my fall then got back with my ex from high school, which turned out to be a big mistake. Made a big decision about my life.
2005-Lost 75 pounds due to my decision to make some changes. Gained the confidence to try out for a singing/dancing group and made it. I also signed up for Acting class, fell in love with it and got cast in my first play, “Reefer Madness”. Also was cast in “Babes in Toyland” where I met someone who would become one of my best friends.
2006-Music Theory drove me insane and Performing was growing to be a strong passion of mine so I made the big decision to drop Theory and change my major to Theatre two courses shy of completing my Music Degree. Became Sound Designer for “Yellow Boat” in which I used my voice for the baby’s cry and was Assistant Stage Manager as well as performing in Babes in Toyland for the 2nd year in a row.
2007-Got cast as Aunt Abby in “Arsenic and Old Lace”, where I ended up performing while sick with a fever, but still had fun! Went through a difficult time with men and love and wanted change. This led to me working at a preschool in Indiana for a few months in the summer. Came back home and took a semester off from college and met an older guy I knew in high school who I became engaged to within a week, set the wedding for a month away and had it canceled within a week OF the wedding. Not even 2 months later, I would get a message on Myspace from a guy, meet him and start dating him with the plan to take things SLOWER. Took a month long temp job at JCPenney during the holidays. Oh yeah…and became a GREAT Aunt!
2008- Played Charley’s Aunt in the play “Charley’s Aunt”. Finally graduated with an Associate’s Degree in Theater and Minor in Music. On July 19th, 2008, my MySpace man took me on a surprise picnic where he proposed to me. I said yes.
2009-Worked for the U.S. Census Bureau with one of my best friend’s mother-in-law’s and ending up having so much fun and becoming friends with her. Married my husband in a castle on July 19th, 2009….and got banned from Motel 6. (If you haven’t read my post on this…it’s NOT what you think!) 
2010-Worked for the U.S. Census Bureau again, but this time under different people and full of tons of drama that wasn’t on stage! Ended up becoming mainly a stay at home housewife due to physical reasons. Started this blog but didn’t use it much.
2011-Started the Post-a-Day Challenge on here and reinvigorated my love for writing as well as making some great new friends. Celebrated my 2 year anniversary with my husband.
Today, me and my husband share our second wedding anniversary. It seems like we were just married yesterday, though! Where does the time go?
In honor of our anniversary, I wanted to go back to the day of our wedding and talk about it a bit as well as post some of my favorite pictures of the day. I’m not offended if you’re not interested in reading or seeing the pics but if you are, enjoy! I have just wanted to sit down and chronicle the day for my memory at some point and the time is now!
Date: July 19th, 2009
Location: Castle on the Lake in Jacksonville, Texas
Time: 3 in the afternoon
I did some things traditional and some things definitely not so traditional. I ordered my dress online without ever trying it on which apparently is a no-no, but I just KNEW it was the one at first glance. After receiving it in the mail and putting it on for the first time, I looked in the mirror and smiled so big. I felt beautiful, like a princess and I was getting married, one of my lifelong dreams!
I already had the colors picked out since I was a kid. My favorite color has always been purple so I wanted to just do different shades of purple. I envisioned purple dresses for my bridesmaids and maid of honor and I knew I wanted those little flower leis for the top of my flower girl’s heads. Everything had to be done on a budget, though and my bridesmaids didn’t have tons of money to spend. So I went shopping to find the bridesmaids dresses. The first one I found was for my husband’s sister. I bought it on sight without her trying it on. I just knew it would fit her and I was right. Another of my bridesmaid’s dresses came from a niece that had a dress they had bought for a friend’s quinceneara. I had a friend that was super tiny that could fit it and it was the exact style I had dreamed of. Only my maid of honor picked her own out and when she found it, she got me to look at it and agree on it. When I saw HER dress online, I was like, WOW. It was exactly what I had pictured her wearing. I was so excited….all the dresses were like puzzle pieces coming together and fitting perfectly. I know it’s not proper to have different fabrics on the bridesmaids but I think it came together very nicely. The first time I saw all the dresses together was at my wedding and it came together better than I could have dreamed. All different shades of purple, but all long gowns. They were all sleeveless, some with spaghetti straps,some with bigger straps and some strapless altogether. Each of them ended up having a inverted V shape in the bottom half where it opened up to a piece of fabric underneath.
The guys all wore suits they owned except for my hubby, who bought his. He looked so handsome!
The place we had the wedding had a package that included the cakes, both the bride’s and groom’s, as well as all the chairs, little gold birdcages for decorations, extra napkins, whatever drinks we wanted(we picked sodas cause my family wasn’t into alcohol). My cake was a 3 tier cake with purple roses and strawberry flavoring inside. At the top of the cake was a carriage with the groom outside helping his bride out. The groom’s cake was a U.T. cake because my husband was a fan of that team, NOT because he went there. It had a creme brulee? flavoring and chocolate covered strawberries on it. YUM!
I bought my bouquet online to save money and all the flowers were purchased from Hobby Lobby. I decided real flowers was something I could live without. I also bought my unity candle holders which were two horses and a carriage online, as well as a wedding castle guestbook. I actually bid for these on Ebay and got really good deals. Way cheaper than if I had paid full price. Because the wedding started at 3 and was over at 6, we opted to only serve cake. Again, we were on a budget. There was a special honeymoon suite we could have stayed overnight at the castle, but we used what that would have cost to pay for about 4 nights at the hotel in San Antonio. I don’t regret this decision at all.
Probably one of the most extravagant buys for my wedding that I purchased was a 3 column stand up picture frame. I saw it at Hobby Lobby and immediately knew I wanted it for my wedding so I saved up and bought it. We had me from childhood to then on one side, my hubby as a baby until then on the other and our engagement photos along with other couple photos we had taken in the middle. I just loved it. We also had a picture where people could sign around the outside. Not everyone must have noticed it because not everyone signed but we had some friends and family members that did and it now hangs on our living room wall.
I remember walking down the wooden steps to the aisle where my dad escorted me to meet my husband at the altar. I was crying, but they were tears of joy and I saw the same tears in my husband’s eyes. I remember the officiant(my brother-in-law) whispering that I looked beautiful and it made me smile. I remember all the thoughts rushing through my head as I saw myself surrounded by all the people I love. I remember our moms having issues with the lighter not lighting as they try to light their individual candles. I also remember being so worried beforehand that I might trip down the stairs or that our unity candle would blow out, but the worry was for nothing. I remember the penny in my silver flip flops(couldn’t wear my heels because my feet swelled up too big) coming off on the steps without being noticed and later finding it on the 5th step face up taped to the step. How it got untaped from my shoe face up, fell off and retaped itself to that step, I will never know. I remember my husband stumbling over his lines about the wedding ring and everybody letting out a much needed laugh to chase the tears away. I remember being fed the piece of cake by my new husband and my veil getting stuck in the picture behind me. I remember the sweet maid of honor speech my best friend gave and trying not to cry. I remember wishing the bouquet to land in her arms and it did. I remember my youngest great nephew all swallowed up in his little tux looking too precious for words and dreaming of the day when I will hold a “little one” of my own. I remember seeing my “pimped out” car and thinking, “Payback will come” to all my nieces that partook of the pimping out. And…I remember taking your hand in mine on that day, dear husband and looking into your eyes. I remember our first kiss as husband and wife and the way I felt repeating it in my head over and over that I was now a wife. I remember it all and for a moment, I almost want to relive it again….but only if I could fast forward past the long process of planning and stress. Just to relive the happy moments and not the sad, like seeing a best friend who was a bridesmaid crying at my wedding. Finding out from her that she had just found out HER husband was cheating on her. Hugging her tightly and crying with her on the biggest day of my life and not caring that maybe others would think it wrong for her to have told me then. I respect her so much for not wanting to burden me with her pain on “my” day but my best friends ARE me. I’m never more important than them, they are the ones who are there for me and help me up when I am down. I took the appropriate time for letting her know that I truly cared and went through the rest of the reception feeling heart broken for her and I will always remember that moment. I don’t regret taking time away from the day to do this and I will never be upset that she told me that day.
It was a good day and it had a sad turn, but I don’t regret that day for anything. If I could go back, knowing everything I know now about married life, would I choose to take a different path? No….my immediate response is no.
I love you, Chad and Happy Anniversary!
This slideshow requires JavaScript.
It’s not easy being married to someone with a silent disorder, especially when you have one yourself. I’ve had depression for years and my husband is bipolar. This sometimes can make my depression escalate even worse and can be a real struggle. One of the hardest parts is finding people you can talk to about what you’re going through that will actually understand and not judge my husband. Some people just could honestly care less, some people believe that bipolar isn’t real or that it can never actually be helped. Then there are those who if you confide in them, they will be horrified at what you go through and want to help you out…as in OUT of your marriage. Therefore, a lot of times, the spouse of a bipolar person leads a secretive life, wanting to hide their spouse’s episodes from others fearing that their spouse and them will be judged harshly by others.
I know because for the past two years I have tried to quiet my husband’s manic stages in fear of what others will think…the general public not so much as my friends and family. And I shouldn’t have to either….I’m coming to realize that more and more. My close friends and family that do not get it should educate themselves so that they can understand.
My husband was diagnosed with Bipolar II as an adult. I found out about him being Bipolar shortly after I started talking to him and I admit, at first, the idea scared me. It scared me because of the image that you see on TV of this disorder. When I told my mom, she was kind of taken aback and worried and then considered the idea of it being passed on to our kids if we were to get married. To be honest, the idea of him being bipolar would have completely scared me off if it hadn’t been for working at a preschool the summer before where a kid WAS Bipolar. This kid had other problems too, but it really made me see that there was more to it than what television shows you. So I gave him a chance and I found him so accepting of my sometimes “extreme” depression because of his being bipolar. It really made me happy to see someone in my life that could completely get me and understand when I would get really down and depressed. He didn’t expect me to just “put on a happy face” or “grow up and get over it” because he too had down times occasionally.
When he’s in between phases, he is the man I first met and fell in love with and to me, that’s the true Chad. It’s the one that he would be at all times if things had turned out differently for him.
The “ups” or high times in his moods are the hardest for me. He can be either extremely happy and giddy which is good but has its disadvantages or he can be really irritable at the point of lashing out at the ones he loves the most. When he is really happy, he can tend to come up with these great ideas in his head that are usually not so great at all. He can suddenly want to try some get rich quick scheme or want to go to the store and buy a bunch of stuff. For these reasons, I am the one in charge of the money……which is strange for me because I hate math and I’m not so good at it but I’m forced into that role so we can afford the things we need every month. I despise the “up” times for these reasons because you can’t talk a bipolar person out of anything during this time….you just have to try to make them want to wait until later and hope they return to normal by then. If not, you have to say no and then irritability shows…..when he shows this side just to me, it hurts and I can’t lie. It can be really hard to stop at that time and tell myself, “It’s not him talking, it’s the bipolar. Remember the real man…the one when he’s normal.” I don’t win this battle often, I usually lose and I know it tears him apart when he calms down to see how much he has hurt me. Even more so because it’s beyond his control. If I tell someone of this, they usually don’t get it…..most people would react with saying, “He is a grown-up, he CAN control it. Don’t put up with it!” So how do you tell them that they are so wrong…he really can’t control it. Well…you really can’t. You can refer them to sites and books to get information but they are going to either come to the realization on their own or they will always believe just the way they choose to.
I remember the first time my husband showed his manic side around my family. I was embarrassed……embarrassed for him because I was afraid of what they were thinking. Afraid they wouldn’t understand. I have had looks from people that tell me they don’t completely understand. My whole family knows he is bipolar but I don’t think they ALL really get it. When he gets into a mood and wants to go NOW or do something right NOW, I see the stares that tell me they probably think he is acting childish and he could control it if he wants to. What they don’t realize is I leave those situations and I cry….I cry because I feel like my own friends and family don’t understand my husband. I cry because they aren’t able to look past it all and see the man I love underneath it all. I want so badly for him to show his real side 100% of the time to them and it’s just not possible.
He takes his medicine all the time but what people don’t realize is that it can takes months or years to get the medications and dosage right where the stages are further apart. And even then, there are triggers such as moving, stress, and other BIG changes that can bring them on early.
When he gets into his “lows”, he will sleep A LOT and tell me he is depressed. He will not want to do anything that he usually loves. Although during those times, I don’t have to worry so much about hurtful things said to me…..it’s still hard because I love him so much and I hate to see him so sad. When I’m feeling depressed during the same time, it can be particularly hard because I have to fight my own depression in order to be there for him. To be the one who tells him “It’s going to be OK and I love you.” I have to be a sort of caregiver to my husband and sometimes it’s draining. I can feel so mentally exhausted that I just don’t feel like doing anything.
This is a hard post to write because I’m not sure how people will respond to this. I’m hoping writing this will be therapeutic for me, though. I feel like I am unburdening myself from something I have kept secret so long. I just want to take this weight off of my shoulders and drop it. I hope that people will learn to educate themselves about mental disorders more. People with mental disorders aren’t stupid and they are not psycho. It’s not their fault they were born with this. When a depressed or Bipolar person says I don’t feel well today…they may look perfectly fine to you physically, but inside they could be hurting worse than any physical ailment. Please remember this and try not to judge so harshly.
Welcome to another Five Question Friday!
This 5 Question Friday was brought to you by:
Oh, heartbreaks and your first love. It seems so long ago…and I suppose it really was, now that I consider it. I remember filling notebooks up with his name and little hearts as if it would magically seal us together forever. I remember how every song or every picture would somehow remind me of him in some way or the other. And I remember the heart ache from each time our relationship came apart. The very first time I ever felt heartbreak was on the morning of a day when most girls in a relationship get cards and roses and chocolates. They are all aglow with happiness and feel more in love than ever. I awoke that morning excited to have a boyfriend that I felt I was in love with. Then I was handed the phone by my mom. One of my friends was on the other line, she was at school and I was at the time, doing home school. She called to relay to me the message that my then boyfriend wanted to break up with me. My mind raced through feelings of “This must be a joke” to anger over being told about this by a friend as a mediator. Where was the boy I was in love with in all this? How come HE did not choose to tell me himself?
Apparently, he was in the background and confirmed the break up. I was in tears, heart broken and feeling, at the time, as if I was dying. I felt a pain unlike any physical pain I had ever felt before and was so lost and confused. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong to make him no longer want to be with me. I felt like my world was crumbling around me and like I had nothing anymore. At the moment, I couldn’t fathom how anyone could deal with so much heartbreak. Every song and picture led to more tears and my pillow became my best friend. All I could think about were ways that I could possibly get back with him and make everything alright again.
At some point, we made up and got back together. The first heartbreak wasn’t sewed up and gone, though. It still hurt and it would hurt again in the future. The relationship ended yet again on my 16th birthday when I showed up at the fair only to see him and find out we were not only done, but he had been seeing another girl who was also at the fair. If the quote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” could fit into any situation so well….it was at that moment. I wanted to literally strangle her and him both for playing with my heart.
I’m so glad to be done with teenage heartbreak. Me and him were on and off again like that for 2 1/2 years. Time wasted where my heart was all in and he was immature and not worth it. Years later, we would find our ways together yet again at the age of 21. He seemed to be different and my feelings had never changed, but only been hidden away. This time seemed better, it seemed right and I really thought I would marry him. But I was wrong again and the heartbreak came rushing back. You would think that was the end of everything, but of course, not quite. Shortly before my now husband entered my life, this other guy popped back up. There actually WAS a difference in him that time and I do believe he finally loved me, but for once, all the heartbreak had eradicated any real chance with him. Funny how someone can finally come around but when they do…sometimes it’s too late.
Things happen for a reason, I do believe. I have no desire to take revenge on the one who first broke my heart. We were both young back then and he was immature and I truly believe that over time, he came to regret what he did and wish he had done things differently. That, in a way, is revenge in itself. But I don’t want him to suffer, I do hope he finds happiness with someone else and is able to treat her right and not play with her heart like he did mine. I am happy and married to a wonderful man that I feel was brought into my life at the perfect time and I have no regrets that I am not with the other guy. I love who I have now and don’t want any other. I DID want revenge in the past, right after it all happened, but not anymore. I have grown up and grown a little wiser and wish no harm to befall him. Each heartbreak is a lesson learned. I haven’t talked to him in years and I would probably just say a simple hello and no more if I ever did see him. I don’t really have anything else to say. He already knows that I forgave him for the past; I turned HIM down the last time so the last heartbreak was to him. I’m not happy or sad about that. I think I went about it a lot better than he had in the past.
*This was in response to the daily prompt.
Topic #157:
Describe the first person who broke your heart. And if you could take revenge on them now, would you? Did you ever think about it? What would you say to them now if you met them on the street?
If you’re still reading and you’re wondering what the Mascara in the title is about…..I told my husband earlier, “Don’t borrow my mascara!”…to which he raised one eyebrow and gave me a “what the heck are you talking about?” look. I am pretty sure he thought I had literally lost my mind. But I hadn’t….I had just read a funny fortune that said that I was going to get pink eye when someone borrowed my mascara. Since I live with only my husband, I am in utter confusion as to who would possibly borrow my mascara. I don’t think a robber is going to break in and borrow it. For one thing, I need to replace it and get a newer one! They can just steal it…if that’s ALL they want! So….I came to the conclusion that the fortune MUST be pointing fingers at my husband. I never took him for the make-up wearing type but one never knows nowadays, do they? BUT after his confused look he gave me….Guess I don’t have to worry about HIM borrowing it? Hmmm…a case of wrong fortunes or is there a mystery mascara thief/borrower on the loose?
If you’re reading this before the first part, you may want to go back and read the first part of my Honeymoon gone wrong, also lovingly known as The week I got banned from Motel 6.
The rest of my Honeymoon may not seem as exciting as the first part but it was definitely interesting, to say the least. The first night in San Antonio, I laid in bed for hours unable to sleep as my sick husband snored his head off beside me. It wasn’t his snoring keeping me awake because snoring doesn’t really bother me. It also wasn’t a case of insomnia because I was incredibly tired and wanted sleep so bad. The problem was my body refused to LET me sleep. Every time I would get still enough to fall asleep, it seemed a minute later, my body would jerk and jump and wake me back up. I could feel my pulse racing and it was almost like restless leg syndrome, except all over, not just my legs. It scared me because I had never experienced it before but I also felt like it could be from stress. To say I had experienced a lot of stress in a short time was not an understatement. I eventually ended up calling my mom and telling her what was going on. I think she was kind of freaked out when I told her what was happening and was on the verge of making Chad take me to a hospital if it didn’t stop. After her advice of taking a warm shower to rest my nerves, I laid down and fell asleep quickly. Moms do sometimes know best, huh?
The next day was rather a lazy day…my hubby was still sick and I was having sinus headaches and losing my voice. In fact, that next day was ending up rather normal until I decided to take some Advil for my head. I had made the mistake of leaving the medicine in the car and it had melted and then stuck together. I broke apart a chunk of 3 Advil to take but couldn’t separate the 3 any further. No problem, I can swallow those giant “horse” pills easy so I figured there wouldn’t be an issue. But then they made it about halfway down my throat and…got stuck. I stood up and tried to straighten my neck and push the pills from outside my throat with my fingers to coax them down but they just were not having it. I could feel my air being blocked off and I couldn’t get myself to gulp or swallow anymore. My husband was across the room and noticed me struggling. Within a split second, he was doing the Heimlich Maneuver and out came the Advil. Afterwards, I started crying when I realized what just happened and I was just completely overcome with emotions. My new husband, not even 3 days in, had just literally saved my life!
I was very proud of him at that moment and I still AM when looking back on it. How many people can say they had a near death experience on their honeymoon and their new husband saved their life?
After that moment of our honeymoon, everything else paled in comparison. We obviously didn’t get to go to as many places as we would have liked due to money issues and we spent a lot more time being lazy than probably exploring San Antonio due to illness, but we had fun, nevertheless.
We also had our “Old married couple” moments too….there were a lot of little fights over directions and how we should spend the money, but looking back I am also proud that we made it through such difficult times as newlyweds. I see a lot of couples now that I don’t think would have made it through some of the things we have been through.
It was also a honeymoon full of being really sick and then feeling better, getting lost more than once and then finding our way back, both on the road and our way to each other. It was a crash course of budgeting for our new life together and a test to see whether we could do it or not. A near death experience that brought us closer to each other than before. Tied in to everything, a funny inside joke that tied our motel and hotel rooms together. At Days Inn, we had a toilet that never stopped running…but at least it flushed and we even gave the toilet a pet name and told it repeatedly to hush when it would start running. Hey, you got to laugh about something when things aren’t going perfect, huh?
The day before we headed back to the “real world”, we took a drive through “Devil’s Backbone”. While we were stopped at a small picnic area taking pictures and just admiring the view, this older couple stopped to do the same. They held each other’s hands as they crossed the road and went over close to us to take in the view. Noticing our car, they asked us if we were newlyweds, which we replied that we were indeed. They then offered us congratulations and I couldn’t help but smile as I saw how much in love this older couple still seemed to be. It was a great moment as our honeymoon was close to the finish. That scenic drive was my favorite part of our honeymoon. Other than using gas to drive it, it was 100% free! But just driving along with my new husband, chatting away and enjoying the view….it was such a quiet, special, private moment for both of us. One that I am sure we will both treasure as well.
As we headed home on the final day of our honeymoon, I was feeling better but ready to start our new life together. Our honeymoon definitely had some not so glamorous moments but it’s nice to be able to laugh about the bad parts now that they are in the past. The negative aspects have all become a thing to joke about and a funny story to tell people and hopefully even our kids someday. We spoke our vows of “For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, In sickness and in health” and shortly after, we got tested on how serious we truly took those vows. While I definitely didn’t enjoy the hard times in the least, I can be grateful looking back on them because it proved to me not only how much I loved my new husband and how seriously I took my vows but it also proved to me the same about him. Our honeymoon was this great big test of our relationship and it may have been rough sailing, but I think we ended up passing in the long run.
