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{June 7, 2013} If wishes were nickels, then I would be rich!

No 5QF today…I am not exactly sure why, but when I went to get the questions from the blog I get them from, there was just a regular post with no explanation for why there wasn’t a 5 Question Friday, so…I guess I will post a regular post as well, eh?

Tonight, my youngest niece (that I had before I got married) graduates from high school and I am beyond proud of her. She’ll be graduating in Austin, while I live about 4 hours away and am unable to attend. It makes me sad that I won’t be there and wishing I WAS able to go is one of the wishes heavily on my mind right now. I can’t believe the little baby girl who I saw right after entering this world when I was 12 years old is now graduating high school and soon heading off for college. It’s so crazy and surreal, it seems like yesterday that she was a little girl.

Then, I have the second youngest niece who I mentioned a few weeks ago, who got married. I was 11 when she was born and now she is married and old enough to soon have kids of her own. I hope she waits just a bit(lol), but I know it’s a possibility. I wasn’t able to go to HER wedding because it was in Indiana and there wasn’t much notice due to her hubby being in the Marines and working with his schedule. I wish I could have gone to her wedding like she was there for mine, though.

Just a few weeks ago, I ALSO being a great aunt for the 5th time, (although 2 of my sweet baby great nephews are angels now). Another one of my nieces giving birth. I can remember HER when she was in diapers! And now she has her own baby in diapers. I wish I could have been there when her baby, Alexia, was born. I wish I could go to North Carolina now to see her and the baby.

I wish I could see my other niece/best friend who now lives in North Carolina as well. I wish I could see my oldest niece and my great nephews in Indiana. I wish I could see my nieces and nephew in Austin more. I wish, I wish, I wish. If wishes were of monetary value, maybe I would have enough money to make them all come true. At least I could make the wishes that were possible using money to fulfill.

Then there are the wishes that money can’t buy for you. I wish my weight loss would continue as fast as it started. I wish I didn’t have a thyroid problem. I wish my Nanny was doing better and my Mom didn’t have to worry so much about her. I wish I was a better housekeeper…lol…Although money could pay for a maid, I suppose! I wish I could be pregnant before all my nieces end up married and pregnant. There, I said it and the whole world knows. I know people tell me that I am still young and yadda, yadda, yadda, but it’s discouraging that the same little girls I watched crawl, take their first steps, and some I even changed their diapers, are all growing up and I feel stuck. I always thought I would be married and have a family before my nieces…or at least most of them, you know? I’m older so it just made sense to me. But it hasn’t happened and it isn’t for lack of trying. For years, people mention in teasing me having a baby and I laugh and go, “It will be awhile!”, but inside I am really saying, “Oh, I wish, I wish so much, I have been wishing that for so long!”

I never wanted people to know how much I wanted it because I felt like people would discourage it. When I got married at 25, more than one person said I should wait years before having a baby. I never intended to actually take their advice, but life took it regardless of my own intentions. All around me, people much younger than I am are having babies and I act all happy about it, but to be honest, there are times I cry and say, “I wish I could have what they have.” My husband knows. He has been around for many a tear shed. It’s really a struggle sometimes being happy for someone else when you really feel envious.

I HATE feeling that way. I feel like if people know this, they will dislike me for my feelings. It’s the truth, though. ~Sigh~ I guess this is where doing a wishes post gets me!

Here I am, vulnerable and exposed by my deep inner wishes. Now you know a secret I have kept locked away close to my heart. I only wish I had got it out sooner.

{May 16, 2013} “Don’t ever get Old”

I’ve never really written about this before but lately it has really gotten to me. Maybe before I was in denial or just didn’t want to see it but I see it now and I can’t unsee it. My Nanny has been wheelchair bound for years now but the past couple of years, she has gradually gotten worse and worse. A couple of years ago, my mom basically moved in with her to help take care of her because every time she was left alone, she would end up falling. When she falls, they have to send someone to help her up. Her limit of getting around was from her wheelchair to her chair and that’s about all. I knew her mobility and her memory had been getting worse. I remember last year when planning for my parents 50th anniversary and at Christmas too when my Mom would break down in tears and say she didn’t think Nanny would be around too much longer. I hate seeing someone cry but I especially hate it when it’s my Mom. If I dwell on it too much, I will cry too and that will just make HER cry more so I try not to think about it.

My Nanny made a comment before the 50th Wedding Anniversary of my parents that most parents don’t live long enough to see their daughter’s 50th and that is definitely true. My Nanny is 90 years old and that is an accomplishment, for sure. She said she wanted to make it to see the anniversary and then after that, she was ready to go….I’m sure you understand what she meant.

That was back in November. Since then, it has gotten harder for her to even move a step from chair to chair. Two Sundays ago, she fell in the bathroom while my parents were at church. Stubbornness runs in our family and she was trying to do something she shouldn’t have (getting something out of the closet), failed to turn her wheelchair off and it bumped into her, causing her to fall on her stomach. Luckily, my Uncle Wayne was coming in that day, got there early, heard her call for help and took the bathroom door off and helped her back in her chair. She had bruises on her head, was sore all over and possibly sprained a finger and her ankle. Since then, the even one step has been torture for her, as I have seen with my own eyes. My Mom tries to help her as much as she can but my Mom is 69, almost 70 herself and she is basically having to carry my Nanny’s weight a lot to help her in the chair. This past Monday and Tuesday I was over there and I could see the frustration on both of their faces as they argued with each other. My Mom gets frustrated because my Nanny won’t let do what she needs to do and she won’t let her help her the way SHE wants to help her. My Nanny gets upset because it’s so hard for her and she hates that Mom has to do so much. There’s been many a time when I have heard her say it would be easier on my Mom if she wasn’t around and that breaks my heart. I know it breaks Mom’s heart. On Tuesday, my Nanny said she thought she might have possibly cracked a rib or two during the fall and you could visibly tell she was in excruciating pain. She’s diabetic, her legs swell like crazy, she’s too old for surgery and she can hardly get around at all anymore. She’s been telling me “Don’t ever get old, Sharon” a LOT lately. What do I say to that?

My Mom seems to be at the end of her rope with what she can do. She has mentioned nursing homes a lot lately and I KNOW Nanny will absolutely hate it if that happens. My Mom would be there as much as possible though. Our family is NOT the type to put our family in a nursing home and abandon them. My Mom would end up living there if allowed, trust me. But in the back of your mind, we all know what nursing homes stand for. A last resort. The place you go to when all other solutions fail. My Nanny has adamantly stated in the past that she never wanted to go to a nursing home. I fear that if my Nanny permanently goes to one, this will mean she won’t be here much longer. She’s been saying for awhile now that she doesn’t expect to be around before each event comes. We all just try to ignore it and tell her she’ll probably live to 100. Deep inside, I and probably everyone else fears the truth. When someone starts saying they don’t expect to be around much longer, I think they have stopped having a reason to live. A lot of people go to nursing homes and then don’t last much once they enter those doors.

I don’t want to consider that my Nanny might not be here come next year. I don’t want to ever think about a world where my last grandparent is gone from this world. I don’t want to imagine that someday I will have my first child and he or she will never know their Nanny. BUT you can’t hide from the truth forever and it’s finally hitting me. As I write this post, the first tears form and flow from my eyes. I’ve NEVER thought this out the way I am doing now so I’ve never allowed myself to cry over it. I am now, though. I thought it was time I let my feelings out so I can really digest everything that’s happening around me. In the same week as I become a Great Aunt again, I have to also come to grips with the fact that I could possibly lose another family member in the not too distant future. It’s possible she WILL live to 100, but my head and my heart tells me that I need to be realistic. So I am…and it hurts…and I’m scared but I will get through because someone will have to be here for my Mom when the day comes.

{May 5, 2013} Spotlight Sunday for May 5th, 2013:People and a Book that makes me happy

Welcome to my Spotlight Sunday! Every Sunday I put someONE or someTHING I love IN the Spotlight!

Anyone is welcome to use the idea on their own blog and spotlight whoever or whatever THEY choose, but if you do, please use my lovely graphic that my friend made somewhere in your post to show that the idea came from here! And I would love it if you left the link in my comments, so I could go check out what YOU spotlighted!

I have to admit that I’m not feeling that great tonight and not up to coming up with a HUGE spotlight so instead, I have decided to just Spotlight the people in my life who make me happy with a short post here followed by my Day 5 of my Reading Challenge.

I think even just randomly, it’s always nice to tell the people you love the most how much you truly care. Not just in the moments when tragedy strikes but during the times when things seem to be going just fine, as well. So to all my family and friends, both near and far, I love you all dearly and you make me SO happy and grateful that you’re in my life. This goes to ALL my family, even the ones who I don’t always get along with! And this is for all my friends, whether I’ve known you most of my life or just for a year or so, and whether we’ve met outside of the world wide web or not. If you think of yourself as a friend to me, you’re one of the ones I’m thinking of and this post is for you!

Day 5- A book that makes you happy

Technically, I could put down pretty much ANY book that I have read, enjoyed and love because they have made me happy, but I suppose this is talking about those special books that you look back on with fond memories and just the thought of them makes you smile in remembrance. So for THAT, I actually had to take some time and think for a bit. After some thought, I decided to go with “Where the Sidewalk Ends” by Shel Silverstein which is a book of poems that I adored as a kid. I remember many sick days at home reading through this book and laughing, in spite of feeling unwell, especially at the poem,“Sick” where little Peggy Ann McKay comes up with all matter of sicknesses to get out of going to school. Just thinking of this book makes me very happy and I wish I knew where it was cause I wouldn’t mind rereading it right now!

*Since next week’s Spotlight falls on Mother’s Day, it won’t be a surprise that I’ll be spotlighting Moms!*

{April 6, 2013} Be Honest about the Duality of Marriage!

There’s something that’s been floating around in my head these past few days and it’s about couples that exemplify marriage in one way or the other. Whenever I think about friends and family and their marriages, it seems like a majority of them fit within two different extremes.

Of course, this is coming from the female side….but I’ve noticed that women either tell ALL the bad about their spouse, and seem to leave nothing out, to the point of TMI or they just emphasize the good and not really bring up the bad at all to the point where you think they must have the perfect marriage. Notice I said a majority, cause I’m sure someone will point out knowing people who fit neither of these. I just really think there’s not many people out there that show the middle of these two extremes.

I’m sure we all know women who bash about their men publicly all the time and are always talking about what their man did now. Then I’ll see the comments from others not giving advice as must as suggesting they leave their man. This has pretty much taught me that you probably don’t want to air ALL your grievances in marriage publicly, because it seems like a lot of people think the cure for ALL marital problems is automatically divorce. Not that I’m Anti-Divorce cause there are a lot of reasons why I think it’s needed, but I don’t think it’s needed in every situation.

Then there are the women who are always posting about the sweet things their man does and you NEVER see anything negative about their marriage posted. Some would say that’s a good thing because it should be kept private while at the same time, other women tend to either wrongly idolize that person’s marriage as perfect(when I can pretty much guarantee it’s NOT always) or they feel jealous and wonder why their husband’s not like that….which is kind of holding him up to a possibly false ideal? I mean, just cause someone posts only the good doesn’t mean there is never any bad, right?

The problem comes in when you look at the two extremes and wonder where’s the example out there that speaks the truth?

Unless you’re in an abusive relationship, I would like to truly believe that no marriage is either ALL bad or ALL good, but when you see people seeming to just point out one side or the other, you almost start to see YOUR marriage as kind of an oddball.

This is how I feel, honestly. Especially since I’m married to a Bipolar man and I suffer from Depression myself. I feel like a liar if I point out only good, because I openly blog about this and how will other women newly married to a bipolar spouse feel if I act like it’s all roses? Will they think that their husband doesn’t HAVE to have his mood swings at times? Will they think their spouse acts the way he does ONLY because of them and not because of their disorder? Will they falsely believe that someone who is Bipolar can seriously go through life as a perfect man when guys that AREN’T can’t? I feel like it’s being fake to pretend that being married to my husband isn’t hard at times. As it is, I feel like I don’t really have anyone in my exact position to talk to about things and feel like I’m not the only one in my position.

Then I read things talking about how a married couple should never yell at each other and I think that’s completely ludicrous! In that case, a lot of people should split up right?! Who doesn’t EVER yell at the other at least once in their marriage when arguing? And in the case of being Bipolar, it’s unrealistic. It’s like saying Bipolar people or Depressed people should never marry….Why? Don’t people with Mental Health Disorders deserve love too? Yes, yes, they do. Not everyone can handle living with someone that has one. I have definitely figured that out….I have been asked before how I can handle the outbursts. Well, it’s not easy but it helps to actually spend time LEARNING about Bipolar Disorder and how it works. You have to understand how it effects people and I think you figure out what love really is. I do not think a marriage with one or both people that suffered from a mental health disorder can ever work if both people aren’t truly in love. Not puppy love, but completely 100% unconditional love.

Which is why more people, not just people in my type of marriage, need to maybe be a little more honest. I’m not saying to let the other person’s every crime out in public, but be more honest about what marriage REALLY is like. The honesty of my marriage is that my husband can get mad about little things and yell about them, he can say things he doesn’t mean when he gets upset, he tells inanimate objects that he wants to kill them, he swears far more than I would like, he smokes as a stress reliever, and he can act like a 2 yr. old at times. I’m just being honest…..but the good side is he has never laid a hand on me, he always apologizes, he hardly ever truly means anything bad he says, others say he says ONLY says wonderful things about me to them, he puts up with my hatred of cooking and my overemotional side, he gives great teddy bear hugs and I have NEVER felt at one moment in my marriage that he would EVER really leave me. I have never felt more confident in a man’s love for me than I do with him.

The marriages out there where the couple supposedly fights…I’m not jealous of that. I actually feel bad because I think it’s not real. I think every couple needs to argue at times, in the healthiest way possible, but they need to. Pretending that everything is always perfect and never disagreeing is only going to end up bad, if you ask me.

My marriage with a Bipolar man in which we do have arguments but we still say “I love you” 100 times a day…..I really think MY marriage is something to want and cherish. Not that you should go out and look for someone with Bipolar Disorder or Depression, but I mean, as far as the example of really and truly loving the other person for who they are, 100%, the good and bad, happy and sad, getting through the hard stuff and you’re still standing strong, in love as much as ever. I think the fact that me and him have been married for almost 4 years and together for over 5 and haven’t killed each other is a great example of true, unconditional love.

So here’s to people who are more honest about their marriage!

{March 12, 2013} Finding the Past in Cleaning

I feel like today has been a very productive day. After living in our apartment for 3 years(how time flows!), our bedroom’s walk in closet hadn’t really been organized or cleaned since we moved in. It seemed like I had to wade through a huge mess of clothes and coat hangers to get to the very back and our “walk in” closet was more of a “wade in” the clothes closet! I had been considering doing something with for forever and today, I had the perfect opportunity. My mom is talking about doing a garage sale soon and due to my weight loss, I have clothes that swallow me plus I’ve had clothes in my closet that I just don’t really care for me anymore that I’ve been wanting to do something with as well. So it started with going through my side of the closet, pulling clothes I wanted to get rid of, and boxing them up. As I did this, I was able to slide my clothes further back and create more hanging space on my side of the closet. Then I emptied the underwear drawers, getting rid of any “delicate” pieces I could no longer wear(mainly bras) and got those re-organized. Lastly, I picked up all clothes from the floor, separated them as needed and found about a million coat hangers that had fallen to the floor! Geez! Now our closet IS a walk-in closet again!

While cleaning up, I found clothes that had fallen off hangers and hidden themselves under the rack. Clothes I forgot I had and was excited to see again. My husband was surprised to see an old shirt he had thought he lost and we found several clothing items of his that were way too small for him now that also went to the garage sale boxes. When all was said and done, I had 2 big boxes for the garage sale. It’s interesting how you always find things from the past when you clean, things that bring back memories, some good and some not so good.

Going along with the theme, I was shocked to see a friend request on FB today from someone from my past. Someone I thought I would never hear from again and I was honestly ok with that. Back when I was 16 years old and new to the Internet, I ended up in a chat room where I found a guy who lived in England. We talked and talked and when all was said and done, we had a long distance relationship for a couple of years. I was young, very naive and in love. When the chance to go on a Missions Trip to Wales, UK came up, I signed up to go NOT for the Missions aspect but because I thought I would have a chance to meet the guy I was so in love with. A few months before the trip, he dumped me and shattered my world. I remember feeling like he wasn’t really sorry for hurting me and I suffered a young girl’s heartbreak. It was too late to back out of the trip and not lose all the money, so I went and I don’t regret it one bit. I admit there was a few moments where I thought of him on the trip and it hurt knowing I wouldn’t be seeing him but I believe now it was all meant to be for me to go on that trip and I am so grateful for the experience.

I never expected to have a friend request almost 13 years later from him, though. According to his profile, he is married and it looks like he has some kids. I am happy for that but I admit curiosity to why he felt the need to reintroduce himself to me. If you’re curious, I haven’t accepted the request. In fact, I’m going to deny it. I plan to leave him a message asking WHY he felt the need to send me a friend request though and then I will let him know that the past is the past, I’m married too now and I don’t want to think on the past. Besides, befriending him now would be uncomfortable for my husband and it’s not worth it to do that. I don’t know if others would agree with my outlook but I feel like it’s right for me. Sometimes people don’t make it to your future because they are meant to stay in the past. Finding things in our closet I forgot about was a welcome sight but finding old loves…..not so welcome.

*If you haven’t read about my Missions Trip before and are interested, click for part 1, part 2, and part 3 and here for photos!.

{March 2, 2013} Date Day Posting

Posting this in the middle of my Date Day so this will be short and sweet. Today is my first official Date Day in months. Even though I spend all the time practically with my husband living together, it’s fun to go on special dates like you went on when you were just boyfriend and girlfriend, you know? My last date day was planned a couple weeks ago but I ended up sick so I was super excited for today.

Breakfast together, then off to the movies to see “Dark Skies” which surprisingly made me jump a few times. Must be something to do with the Alien theme? Honestly, I was raised on Monster movies and not many creepy alien ones so Aliens still seem to scare me, I guess. I thought the movie was pretty creepy and also good. You can find out my rating later when I post it on my 50 movies in 2013 page!

After the movies, we used a Chili’s Gift Card from Christmas to get some lunch and yes, I took a free day today so I ordered Pasta for the first time in a LONG time and I have plenty of leftovers. Then we came home and played some Scene It on the PS3…my husband beat me, of course!

The rest of our day was supposed to be playing board games and maybe watching shows on the DVR, BUT turns out tonight is an A.C. Singers concert(which is a singing/dancing group I was in about 7 years ago…has it been THAT long? wow!). I’ve missed the past couple years cause I always forget to check and they change the dates every year…..so I am excited to go tonight! We are taking my Mom with us, too, though, (my idea) cause she loves these concerts and I know she doesn’t get to do as much since she is living with my Nanny and taking care of her all the time.

So…off I go to get ready for the concert, then maybe me and the hubby will watch some DVR shows to end our Date Day off nice!

{February 23, 2013} Life isn’t a Fairy Tale

The first definition of a “Fairytale” is just what it sounds like, a story about fairies told to amuse children. The other definition given is an interesting but highly implausible story, often told as an excuse; as in when someone makes up a story to get out of something, for example. The very definition of the word tells you that it’s something fictional and not real yet from the time we are little girls we believe in a day where we can run off, get married and live like in a fairytale. The whole idea sounds lovely, but if you look at the examples from most fairy tales, are they really that ideal? Something horrible usually happens before the supposed happily ever after which seems to be the key thing we dream of. We all want our “Happily ever after”, never considering that this lovely ending in fairy tales could just be a clever way to say “The End” while making you feel all happy inside.

Now let me first clarify that this is NOT coming from a scorned woman who feels like she missed out on her fairy tale. I am happily married and I love my husband very much. I believe in the power of love and I believe that two people can stay in love throughout their marriage, go through the bad and come out better and grow old together. I simply disagree with the notion that life can be a great big fairy tale.

Let’s look at the elements OF a fairy tale. They always start with “Once upon a time”. Well, in that way, I guess we can agree. All our lives started once at some time or the other. Secondly, you always have a hero/heroine and a villain. Well, in real life, there are many villains all around you. Some people have more villains in their paths than others; some get conquered by a hero or heroine, even if just metaphorically speaking; others aren’t so lucky and lose out. Good doesn’t always win over evil in real life.

Third, we have magic. I believe a little in the supernatural and that we have a type of magic or power within ourselves, but I don’t believe people can turn an actual pumpkin into a carriage or that mice I encounter will talk to me and then sew me a dress. If there are mice that can do this and I am unaware, PLEASE let me know! Then…we have royalty usually in some way. We definitely still have kings, queens and princesses around as shown by the royal wedding, BUT the royalty of 2013 is very different from what it was when fairy tales were first told. In fact, WHEN they were first told, it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies then! A queen was more liable to get her head cut off than be happy with her king, who was probably bedding several mistresses right in front of her!

Next, fairy tales always have some kind of problem and solution. In this case, I can relate but real life seems to have never ending problems and the solution doesn’t come from magic. Real life is tough and while it’s nice to believe you can just be happy forever and never be sad, angry or hurt again, it’s not true. You DON’T get married and then everything be sunshine from then on. Things are going to happen, LIFE happens. You can’t avoid that fact.

Lastly, fairy tales always have some kind of lesson, with the main one usually that good conquers evil. Ah, fairy tales, how I envy that good always wins out in you! If only in real life good could always win. If only sickness would always lose, if people wouldn’t ever hurt you, and you wouldn’t have to face death. But life isn’t a fairy tale.

Having said what I don’t agree with, I will now say that I still appreciate fairy tales also for what they are. Fairy tales give people hope, which is something hard to always keep in this day and age. Hope is important to have regardless of the situation. It’s good to believe the best of mankind and hope that in the end, good WILL win out, even when it doesn’t.

Life ISN’T a fairy tale but it IS a story. A story that YOU fill out by every step you take, every word you say and everything you do each day. You have the power (or magic) to decide how you’re going to deal with what life throws you and what people will say when they read YOUR story. So while your life may not read as a fairy tale, you can still let your life read as a GOOD life well lived. A life of someone who tried to do what was right, who loved whole heartedly, and tried hard to make this world the type where good DOES win out in the end.

{February 8, 2013} Five Question Friday for February 1st,2013

Welcome!

As always, you may answer these questions in your own post or in the comments section!

This 5 Question Friday was brought to you by:

On to the questions!

1. What holiday do you wish did not exist? I don’t know…there’s not really any holidays that come to mind that I dislike

2. What is your favorite romance/love movie? ”The Notebook” I can’t help it, I just love that movie!

3. Do you make a big production out of celebrating Valentine’s Day? Nah, not really…just get my hubby a card and something else to go with it and he gets me a card and a present…sometimes we go out to eat, sometimes we stay home

4. What is something weird you did as a child? (or even now!) When I was little, I liked to hang around in the house in just my underwear….I have no idea why, I just did!

5. What makes you love your husband, really LOVE him, you know since Valentines is coming up? He knows how to cheer me up and he makes me laugh Oh and he gives the best bear hugs!

{February 7, 2013} Protected: The More Things Change, the More they Stay the Same

{September 6, 2012} I was Born to Love you

Twenty eight, almost twenty nine(omg!) years ago, I was born. I was born a baby girl, a daughter, a sister and an Aunt. Ok, so if you want to get all technical, I wasn’t really born an Aunt. I became an Aunt at the age of 2 years and about 2 months, though so I honestly can’t remember a time that I wasn’t one. I remember holding my first niece and being so excited cause I just LOVED babies. Getting to hold one was for me like YOU getting a brand new car or diamond ring. I thought it was the coolest thing ever and although, I can’t say I vividly remember my words, I can see in my mind being told this baby was my niece and me pointing and smiling while saying, “Niece! Niece!” This wasn’t one of my baby dolls or a picture. This was MY niece.

As the years have passed, I look at my role as an Aunt as the most awesome gift ever. I know people who are Mommies and they always say they never realized how strong love could be until they saw their baby for the first time. Well, I haven’t yet become a Mommy so I don’t have that experience to compare to. I can see and hear the love in a Mommy’s voice and the way she treats her child, though and I can honestly say, in my opinion, I feel my love for my nieces and nephews is the closest possible thing I know right now next to what I can only imagine being a mother to be.

And I know some mothers may fight me on my feelings and say I have no idea, and I can’t completely disagree because I DON’T have a child. Regardless, I DO know what love is. I have love for my parents and love for my siblings and love for my husband, all different in some ways, but all strong. I also have love for my nieces and nephews. I know it’s cliche to say “I would jump in front of a bullet for someone” and you could argue that no one really knows what they would do until put in that situation, but I WOULD jump in front of a bullet for ALL of my nieces and nephews. And I will fight anyone tooth and nail that wants to argue with me there.

I realize not all Aunt and Niece/nephew relationships are as strong as what I feel. No offense to anyone in my family reading this, but the aunts and uncles I have are great, but do I feel AS close to them as I would LOVE to believe my own nieces/nephews are to me? No, I don’t…that’s just me being honest. It may have a lot to do with a majority of my nieces being fairly close to my age and living close to me for a good part of their lives. I don’t doubt that has an influence on my feelings for them but the ones who are further away from my age, I love them JUST as much.

When I think of the WHY, I really attribute it to the simple fact that I have NEVER known what it’s like to NOT be an Aunt. (Forgive my double negative there! Bad grammar alert!)

I know what it’s like to NOT have a husband because I spent 25 years of my life as a single person. After being with my now husband for a while, my heart expanded and I fit a new love into my life. I know what it’s like to NOT have my own child, because I am motherless at the moment. When I have a child, I expect my heart to grow yet again to find room for another love. My heart has never had to grow much to find room for nieces and nephews, although many have come throughout my life. From the very first moment I can remember of my life, I WAS already an Aunt. My heart already had a section that was ready to be filled with all the additions that would come. It wasn’t something new to get used to, because I never knew a time when it wasn’t part of my life.

Let’s picture it another way. I was born with my Mom in my life and I’ve never experienced my life without her. (And my sympathies go out to those who have lost theirs, by the way) I know there’s a chance someday she will leave my life and I will experience immense heartbreak. Even thinking of this for a second just kills me inside.

Well, this is how I feel as an Aunt. I have never know my life without nieces and nephews and as each one gets added, that part of my heart just grows and grows. I have always felt like losing one of my nieces or nephews would tear me apart. It wasn’t long ago that I lost two of them, although it happened before I could even meet them. It hurt but the hurt was more then just a loss because now it was not only losing two great nephews BUT knowing that one of my nieces was going through a heartbreak that I can’t relate to her about yet. It was incredibly sad to know the niece I once saw in diapers was experiencing such tragedy and there wasn’t much I could do about it.

I never want to lose one of my nieces or nephews AGAIN and I never want them to go through heartbreak. When they are upset, I hurt for them. I get scared when I think of any of them not only going through hard times BUT the thought that one of them might decide to EVER cut me out of their life or not want anything to do with me. It literally makes me want to break down in tears. There was a time when I felt so close to them that I didn’t think it would ever be a problem but as an adult, I KNOW how people grow up and change and drift away from you. I have had many old friends just fade out of my life and I don’t want that to happen with them. Each niece and nephew are like a puzzle piece of my life and whenever one is missing, my life doesn’t make sense. The puzzle is incomplete….and I am left feeling like a piece of my heart has been misplaced.

I was born to be an Aunt and love all my nieces and nephews. To all of you guys: I hope you understand that to me, I’m not just an extended family member. I was put in your life to be there for you, to listen when you need it and to always care. I was born to love you.

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